What I wanted to write was $&^#%$.....anyhow, first day. I had a few last night. I get around a month and boom. I felt fine...again, drank like a normal person. EVen though I had a few beers, my anxiety kicked in today. My psychiatrist told me I most likely have alcohol induced anxiety. So this is the second time I have charted that I have noticed I have an anxiety reaction. I haven't been working the program...as a matter of fact, I have been focusing on going back to work. I had a great therapy seession the other day. I thought I was going strong. I also notice, during my PMS I will just drink. I wanted to feel different for some reason...like I was bored. I didn't get any of the high I wanted....what a waiste. I am not going to beat myself up like I have in the past. I jsut have to get on the horse again and work it. So I got real with my husband. I told him about how I am feeling. I asked him if he would support me and meetings. He said ok. I just came out with it. we discussed how no one needs to know etc. We actually had a heart to heart. Even though he drinks, I believe he sees that I am crying out in a way. He actually likes me not drinking anyway. He and I will be discussing this further and I will focus on my true feelings. This is one of my major character defects and have been working on it in ACA. A good friend of mine who has been sober for about 20 years, said, it took her a few times to really get it!
Hi Surfergirl, I'm glad that you didn't continue to drink and surprised that it wasn't any worse for you. When I was relapsing it seemed to get progresively worse each time I'd get a month or two and go back out. I had to lose quite a bit (marriage, job, assets, pride, self esteem, friends...) before I got the gifts of desparation and willingness. You're probably getting tired of hearing this but my marriage didn't survive my sobriety. I say this because I feel that losing your marriage, over your drinking, isn't even on your radar screen Yet! It seems somewhat casual now but you never know when this disease will decide to progress for the worse. And It doesn't take to many drunking incidents for a spouse to say "you know what, I've had enough and so have the kids...". I can't count how many times I've heard this story and it almost never ends well because people have such a hard time taking recovery seriously while they are in a relationship. It takes extra hard work and I'm in awe when I see people doing it (getting sober while in a marriage) because I couldn't do so it justs seems near impossible to me. I'm a math person. If only 1 in 20, who want to get sober in this program makes it, then probably only 1 in 200 is a married person. Please don't prove me right, again
Well, I truly love my husband. I feel that at this point, he is willing to work with me. Whatever that means. We are going to be attending counseling. Of course this will be brought up. I feel it can work, but true communication needs to be out by me. We aren't there, but we have made headway. We are looking and working out a calendar for meetings. Like I said, things are not progressing for the worst...things have only been better. I am not perfect, and don't expect to be. All I can do is keep working on improving. I am in no way ready to throw in the towel on anything. ACA has been huge for me and reminds me to look at my behaviors...even in slips. He (hubby) is being supportive and he sees the anxiety or the resluts afterward and has expressed his support at this time. Furthermore, since I have made mega amounts of improvements in so many other areas, I am working my ACA group, and behaviors are diminishing rapidly. I understand your forwardness and factual response (which helps), but somehow, the tone behind it seems a bit negative. And I ask myself, why would it seem like that too me. It came to mind-I responded this way because my father would give me that kind of answer. No empathy...lacking positive reinforcement and almost like a "good luck-there's no hope though." I am sorry for all of your losses, but at this time, I feel I am only gaining...even with some slips. I grew up with rigidity and perfectionism. Sometimes, we are just human.
I have seen alcoholics succeed where there was a co-dependant involved, but only when the co-dependant was as totally committed to the program as the alcoholic.
You and your husband will learn together in counselling what a co-dependant will do to TRULY support the recovery of their partner, and what they may do (even subconciously) to sabotage them. Once you both understand as much about Co-D behaviour as you do about A behaviour, then he (and YOU) will also know if (and when) he is supporting or sabotaging.
As you each learn and grow through this, you will understand if someone in your AA or Alanon group warns either of you about the 'land mines' each of you may lay in each other's path, it is because they hope each of you will be able to spot them before stepping on one.
I wish you both blessings and good luck through this new learning experience together. (You will find Co-D's are quite often as resistant to change as A's!)
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 08:04, 2008-08-31
I am working my ACA group, and behaviors are diminishing rapidly. I understand your forwardness and factual response (which helps), but somehow, the tone behind it seems a bit negative. And I ask myself, why would it seem like that too me. It came to mind-I responded this way because my father would give me that kind of answer. No empathy...lacking positive reinforcement and almost like a "good luck-there's no hope though." I am sorry for all of your losses, but at this time, I feel I am only gaining...even with some slips. I grew up with rigidity and perfectionism. Sometimes, we are just human.
-- Edited by surfergirl at 21:33, 2008-08-30
"no empathy"?- I said in the beginning of my post that I was glad for you and that It wasn't worse. Being a people pleasing type codependent, I'd love to tell you what you would like to hear, but instead I shared my experience. I don't know what you'd like me to say. You went to the horse track (a place that you previously used to drink) and the next night you drank. Do you think that that was just a coincidence? Your disease is a lot smarter ("cunning, baffling, and powerful") than you might think.
I'm not saying that you can't get sober and enjoy your marriage, I'm just saying that in my experience a person will have to work extra hard at it to keep the focus on themselves (instead of the spouse and kids...). I think that you're doing a heck of job, especially since you came in to AA through the back door (Acoa) and I've been a member of that group since the '80's as well, but I didn't begin going to those meetings until I had about 6 months sober (most sponsors in AA would probably recommend a year of sobriety before working in another program). That is because working on Acoa issues (which i believe are the core issues that most of us AAs have) causes a lot pain and is a trigger to drink. AA basically tells us to "no big deal everything" (don't think to much) and get some sobriety under our belt before we push our own buttons going after our core issues. That's why steps 4,5,6,7,8,9 aren't 1,2,3... so that we can get a handle our powerlessness, insanity, and asking for help.
Obviously no one is going to recommend that you stop doing the Acoa work(at this point). I'm only suggesting that you consider working harder on your sobriety (and maybe putting it first). Without it, getting to the core issues in Acoa (or marriage issues) imho, isn't really going to be possible. Apologies if you think that my message is direct I'm trying to help you succeed.
Sometimes it takes what it takes, as many times as it takes it. I would often envy others who came into the rooms and had a higher bottom than I did. I don't think I envied those who had a lower bottom. In our groups here we call what is happening to you, "continued research". Not that we did it on purpose, but it's what it seemed like what we were doing.
When someone picks up after abstaining, it always worries me until they come back because I have seen far too many deaths from all sorts of things while drinking/drugging or both. So, I am soooo glad you made it back.
Welcome back and Keep coming back!
Love & Hugs, Stephanie
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Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you. ~ GOD *****
Sometimes it takes what it takes, as many times as it takes it. I would often envy others who came into the rooms and had a higher bottom than I did. I don't think I envied those who had a lower bottom. In our groups here we call what is happening to you, "continued research". Not that we did it on purpose, but it's what it seemed like what we were doing.
Returned here, YES! That hits it on the head.
St Pete, thank you for your apology. Also, I am not looking for specific words. I slipped! Thats it. I am aware of the path I am on. The path has been manicured alot since 15 years ago. So for me, my progression continues to be positive. As a periodic drinker, who can abstain for periods of time....it can be tricky. It fools me into...oh I am fine. So now, I have recognized a pattern. Also, beer is not giving me the high it once did. I I just decided to test it to see if it would-that is why I stopped and was ok with it. Then I tune into the consequence. Even just a couple of drinks (like a normal person) for me cause me to have anxiety. Since this is what I am in therapy for (anxiety) I am trying to abstain from any substance that triggers anxiety (people are subtances -right?:). I even fell off the wagon with caffeine for two days. Not much, but enough to make me feel like CRap-I actually felt worse with the caffeine. I love my ACA and will not put it on hold. It has made a difference in my life....more than anything. Anyway, no worries...I am PMS anyway...so I should abstain from emailing until that passes! heehee.
Thank you Phil and Sick of Being of sick for your input too. Since I have many friends who are recovered, and many who are married, it has only brought their marriages together. Even if the other continues to drink. It is my issue and I have to work it. I have my husbands support. I wasn't truly honest with him on this decision either. There will more to come. Thanks to all of you.
gday flipper from adelaide, im peter. and im also glad that the booze didnt work for you as ive never heard of a successfull life led on it whether the person is an alcoholic or a regular drinker. there are four stages in the alcoholics life and once the first 2 stages of the disease have gone through there completion times ,the booze starts to turn on them ,so hence as you described WHAT A WASTE you said as you didnt get that exciting glow that all drinkers love to feel. i can give you a promise though and a promse that will forfill you, after a period of time you will enjoy being straight day in and day out you wont have to feel as though your a sick case glued to AA for ever, as you will be able to pass the message on to other sufferers, cheers peter.
"A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from others".
I hope you find out why you slipped. As it is never as cut and dry as stated. (Pete made a good point about the Horse Track, I'd investigate that further, if I were you).....Looking back on all of mine, I have found the 'whys'. I believe if I had not and chalked it up to 'that's it' I'd still be slipping......Glad you made it back and thanks for sharing. I love the reminder of where I never desire to be again.
Keep on keeping on
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Surfergirl, The anxiety is the worse thing also for me when I drink. It is horrifying to wake in panic and carry the anxiety. When I drank this past week after 15 days sober I was stricken real bad with it after drinking and then just not at peace with anything.
I see the difference when I stop drinking and so much at peace when I do not.
For me it is a choice of either wanting to feel good or feel the panic and look like crap.
Also it is hard to hear others have a strong attitude not to drink and as much as it kind of puts me in a defense mode the words of those people stick with me and helps me to hear.
Doll had written from her heart with fear and said how she saw how it affected people she knows and herself. (Something to that affect). And it has been ringing in my ears and helps me. But when I read the post after initially getting sober again this past week I was a bit overwhelmed feeling like I slipped and it is okay somehow because it was a process for me.
But I do see how others who have strong sobriety only want for us what they have achieved.
Yesterday I went to my nephews wedding and they had sparkling cider instead of champagne and no one was drinking alcohol. And as we were cleaning up and all my sister had a beer in her hand. My brother who is sober 22 yrs lovingly walked over and said that someday she would not need that.
She looked a bit mad but was good about it with him. I am glad I witnessed that because I see how he feels. I had no desire to drink at all and thanked God all day to enjoy the beautiful weather and such a wonderful day filled with love with my family.
People places and things can trigger big time and a race track is always connected with booze. I never went to those but I always associate the two.
You sound good surfergirl. I feel you and your husband will get to where you need to be and he may also stop drinking and you both will have another great level added to your relationship.
Just wanted to offer my own experience on intimate relationships and sobriety. My other half and I met in the Program almost 19 years ago. We've lived together for 18 years. He relapsed after we had been together for about a year, and then got sober again a few months later. His relapse was difficult for both of us, since we were pointing at each other as the source of blame (in fact, "the blame" rests squarely on the disease of alcoholism). Anyway, we both remained sober for the next 15 years or so, and then (as I've shared in a separate post), I relapsed just before 18 years sober. During my two year relapse he basically let me "do my thing", let me continue to think I was successfully hiding my drinking, and continued to go to his meetings, sponsor his guys, and work his Program, without drinking or using.
Finally, I surrendered again two years ago, came back to A.A. and got sober. Within my first month back, I told my sponsor that I wanted to end the relationship, since clearly my relapse was his fault anyway. She told me to not do anything for at least a year, and to focus on my own recovery. Fortunately, I followed her direction, we stayed together, and I began the journey again with my sponsor through the 12 Steps. Amazingly, it seems as I have gotten better, the relationship has gotten better. It is by no means perfect, since he and I are both human beings, with character defects (I could give you a laundry list of his as well as mine). For me, I think the key is the willingness of both people to continue to grow spiritually, and to practice the same principles in the relationship that we learn in A.A.: patience, tolerance and love.
Please keep coming back, and try to focus on your own recovery.
I feel with partners that we tend to drink and blame the partner but the reality is we have choices. Even in the relationship I was in with a clear abuser and sex addict.
I made good choices in the worst of it until right at the end and I allowed my dis-ease to run the show for me. I do not blame my ex for my drinking. It was hell and that is how I chose to cope.
I feel that people run on different levels in a relationship and addictions are deal breakers and abuse. But if the partners are willing to admit their downfalls in those areas there is hope.
A new plateau can be reached if both parties work together. When one is on striving to reach a different plateau that can be a catalyst for the other to grow. It may be bumpy with the change but if they both want the relationship they will make it.
I am happy to hear of your staying together.
Surfergirl, you are doing well and I can see that you really want sobriety. It will all work out. God bless you both Rosie
It is by no means perfect, since he and I are both human beings, with character defects (I could give you a laundry list of his as well as mine). For me, I think the key is the willingness of both people to continue to grow spiritually, and to practice the same principles in the relationship that we learn in A.A.: patience, tolerance and love.