just wondering, we have a situation at our meeting. one of our members has been bringing her 3 year daughter to the meeting. the first time this happened she said it would be a one time thing, well that was 4 months ago. It really hasn't been a problem because the child has always been very quiet and very well behaved. But over the last few meetings the child has gotten more and more restless and noisy, clearly she doesn't want to be there. It's obvious to all of us that this situation is not appropriate. We know the mother really wants to come to the meetings.
Any suggestions on how to bring this up in a diplomatic way? Deb
I think that you might consider living with it. I used to bring my 2-4 yo to meetings and have seen it done many times. Most people just bear with it in the interest of sobriety for all. You didn't give very much information about the mother (length of sobriety), but on my NA message board, one of the girls has volunteered to baby sit for the mom (in her F2F meetings), who is newer, so that she can do the meeting. She recalls an experience when she was a single mom bringing her child to meetings and she felt bad about it and went back out for 8 more years. She said that she didn't want this newcomer to have to go thru that. If it's not your home group, you could always look for some new meetings to go to in that time slot. It's always good to find new meetings and hear new people.
Hi Findingfreedom, I know that it is hard to think of children at meetings but I commend this Mom on going and staying sober.
I hate to feel like an outcast due to my situation with AA and with the rape and the sponsor hurting me here in my town and that is what has made me not want to go to meetings because people look down on me due to that happening.
And I get looked down on for it otherwise. But I want to be sober and will keep on trucking. Just as I assume this woman is. God bless her.
It has hurt me in many ways for the help I need. And if this woman feels she is being put down or looked down upon by the very people who say to go to any lengths to get sober and yet are having a problem with a little 3 yr old girl who you say is quiet and yes she may be not want to be there but it is only an hour.
And it is helping her Mom to be sober and a better Mom. So I hope that the AA principles and the open arms extend to this Mom and her child. Nothing has to be perfect for that to happen.
God bless you and I know you will be better for it if you overlook this. Rosie
We have "opened" and "closed" meetings. It is totally acceptable to bring kids to the open but people make it a point to say it is closed, offer other meeting choices and thats it. Just food for thought...
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Thanks to all for the responses on this issue. i would love to get some more comments. Here's a little more information on how this issue came to my attention.
when i walked into my meeting last night, there were two people in the room, the meeting hadn't started yet, it was just the 3 of us in a quiet room. then, they both started sharing with me that "they" were wondering what to do about the child, the child was distracting them and they noticed the child was distracting other people, etc. As they were talking the mother and child came in so the topic was dropped and the meeting began. the little girl was shifting and whispering and her mom was struggling to calm her, after 10 minutes the mother and child suddenly departed.
My position is that I actually have not been distracted to the point of being uncomfortable. i am willing to put up with it, because the mother only has 6 months and she is doing real well and likes coming to the meetings.
after the meeting the 2 people started talking with me about it again and I thought ok, let me ask my good friends on MIP for their ES& H on this issue, because this island is so small, that we only have one place for meetings and I have no other group here to ask. Having off-island input is so helpful, because in small communities it's easy lose the big picture.
This morning the Mother called me and we were sharing on other topics,then, she told me that she left the meeting last night because she could sense that "so and so" was getting uptight about her daughter.
I don't want to be in a triangle.
enough, please any help here would be so welcome, .
the comments you share will help me when i go to the meeting tonight, thanks..........Deb
As long as the child isn't running around the room screaming, I think that she has a perfect right to be there. The people that are upset by her presence should learn some tolerance. But none of that is going to help the situation. Could a few of you take turns babysitting?
I don't have any ESH to share around this, the only thing I have seen was a dog in our last meeting...but no children unless in offered daycare.
So I will throw my opinion out...hope that is OK.
As a mother I personally wouldn't have a problem having well-behaved children at a meeting. I also understand that some people would be uncomfortable with it - so maybe a middle ground is having folks chip in a $1 and have the "group" get the child a coloring book and some crayons. They could stay in the meeting supply box and be a "part of" - and something everyone has a little vested interest in. And have the child sit off from the group - in it's own little space coloring. It would be less distracting and I think child and group would probably be more comfortable.
Do the others in the group interact with the child, specifically the ones that are upset? Perhaps they could be the ones to give the child a reward (within Mom's boundaries) - such as a cookie or similar when the meeting is over for behaving well. Buy a pack of hard candies with the coloring book and keep them in the box. Again, vested interest. Not much - hand over a $1 and give a candy or such and say thank you.
It sounds as though the child is doing just fine - but the interaction of others in the group may be helpful. And it doesn't sound as though it is the mother who needs the "diplomatic" discussion - but perhaps other less tolerant members of the meeting. In my short time I have seen some pretty impressive things people in AA do to help those that are suffering. Sounds like this is not asking that much.
Just my opinion. Hope it helps.
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
I don't have any problems having children at the meetings. If we see that the child is acting up and the mother is getting frustrated, we take turns taking care of them. I've been known to take a grumpy child outside, just so the mother could catch a meeting.
I came into the rooms after my children were all grown and I had a hard time sitting in one spot for so long!
I'd rather have the children and parents at a meeting, then not at one.
We have quite a few who bring their children. The older ones will stay outside on the porch and the little ones will bring crayons/coloring books, etc to keep them occupied. A lot of times if there's an older one there they will even 'babysit' the little ones...... I think it's important for us to keep in mind that mother is there for the same reason I am and what right do I have to deprive her just b/c she must bring her toddler..... Tell those folks to suck it up! LOL or find another meeting.
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
went to meeting last night and nothing was mentioned, only one of the complainers were there and they said nothing, so i didn't bring it up, and the mother wasn't there.
Jen, I agree, they should have tolerance, you mentioned going to other meetings, that's the problem, there are no other meetings, we live on a small island and this is it.
i feel much more confident that this will all work out now that you have all shared with me. next meeting is monday night. i'm sure the topic will be brought up again and i'll post here to let everyone know how we resolved this peacefully and with tolerance, at least that will be my approach.
This could be a sticky situation, on the one hand it could be preventing someone else in the group from sharing from sharing in fears of saying something inappropriate.On the other hand, perhaps if this person does not bring there daughter to meetings they will not be able to go.
Perhaps open meeting could be the answer to everyones problem, I know in my area members often bring their children, (of all ages) to open meeting, the caveat to this of course is that they are expected to be some what quiet.
Regardless, this needs to be handled some what gingerly so as no one develops a resentment over an issue with a plethora of amicable solutions.
