I was raised in an alcoholic home. My father is a recovering alcoholic. My mother drank alongside and since quit. They are divorced. My brother and I have drank excessively on and off throughout the years and have suffered consequences as a result. Both sisters are alcoholics, one recovering and one not.
I choose not to drink now because I am recovering from an ugly two year divorce, ending almost 20 years of marraige to an alcoholic. I also drank alongside until 8 years ago. I quit then and tried like hell to get her to do the same. She denied alcoholism and continues to do so.
During the last year of my divorce I met a wonderful healthy woman. I left her after 8 months and do not know why - fear of commitment, fear of normalcy, lots of possible reasons - none of which had anything to do with her. I ended up dating a partying biker girl and soon realized the impact that drugs and alcohol had on her life. I was able to get her to see this and she quit the drugs. She denies alcoholism but concedes, religiously, that drinking is not good for her soul. Raised in the church, it was her faith in God and her upbringing that I was able to tap into to get her to realize this. She quit drinking over the holidays and enjoyed her first sober new years with me. Then she began, occassional drink, drinking to excess on pool nights, stopping off at the bar on the way to see me, going to the bar when she was upset. I ended this relationship a week ago.
I have studied the concepts and feel the impact of dependency and co-dependency in my life. I have always been paranoid about becoming an alcoholic like my father. I still, however, chose to drink in my life.
I have all the control issues and pain associated with the addiction and suffer the parallel addiction of co-dependency. I am chosing not to drink now because I want to feel all my feelings, good and bad, to hopefully understand them better and make better choices for my life. I am also scared that I am in denial about myself. Am I holding on to the ability to continue drinking if I chose?
My drinking has always been social. Although I was spoon fed many years during my marraige, I often chose to pour it out when she was not looking, milk it so as not to require another and otherwise electing not to get drunk. After all, I was the responsible one - codependency at its finest.
This being said, when off on my own with friends I would have quite a few and enjoy the buzz. I chose to drink alongside this woman last summer, electing to take days off work to party late at night, having fun to bury the pain of the divorce and the pain I gave my prior girlfriend.
All kinds of problems in the relationship ensued following the divorce and I spoke about the impact of drugs and alcohol upon her life and made it clear that I was not going to be with someone who was chemically dependent. She promised that drugs and alcohol would never come between us. Guess what? I hate the words never and always - they make us all liars.
I feel hurt. I am, however, concerned that I too have a problem that I am not addressing. I have been through three assessments in the last five years - one voluntarily and sought by myself in counseling before the divorce and two during the divorce proceedings as ordered by the court. I was honest in the assessment. I have been seeing the same counselor for the past 8 years and have been honest I believe.
The confusion setting in now is because I love this woman but realize that I can't have her problem in my life. First, in denial, she will not recover and I am only going to continue to hurt us both down the road. Second, if she were to admit and enter recovery, would her dependency prevent my recovery from codependency? Or is this all bullshit and I am afraid that she will admit, enter recovery, putting me in the position where I can't have the opportunity to drink or possibly even be forced to admit that I have a problem? Confusion.
I've prayed often on these issues and my feelings led me to end the relationship. I have been compelled, as before, to return to her and try again. Each time in the past we have split, the result is she recognizes or admits one more step in the right direction. I hate that it takes this extreme pain to force recognition. Maybe its not real. This time I told her that I could not see her nor talk to her ever again. She has tried repeated to reach me, leaving me messages. She claimed that she would never have another drink if she could remain by my side, BUT she thought there would always be something else. Maybe. BUT. BUT. BUT. Heard that word way too much. I am done trying to control. I am resisting temptation to try again. I can't save the world. I obviously can't save my women.
I hope other AA'ers respond here to you. I'm in Alanon, and gee, one of the last things, the very last things, my spouse will admit is that "alcohol" is the problem. : ) Just my experience with this disease and my loved one. And I've been through 3 rounds of this in 27 yrs. I think you could benefit from AA, Alanon and ACOA. Keep Coming Back!
Denial can mean many things to me: Lack of awareness, resistance, sweeping something under the rug....etc. whatever coping mechanism I am using.
You have a lot going on. When things get heavy and we start feeling confused, we remind ourselves that confusion is just a space in time prior to a decision.
When we need help locating the decision or making the decision, or being true to our decision, we have the steps. I was shown very early on that the answer is usually found in the question.
I'm going to try walking with you through the steps, by running back what you have already said. Feel free to add to this if you want to, because this is supposed to be our journey not mine. Maybe this may help - but am sorry it doesn't come with a gaurantee.
1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable
I was raised in an alcoholic home. My father is a recovering alcoholic. My mother drank alongside and since quit. They are divorced. My brother and I have drank excessively on and off throughout the years and have suffered consequences as a result. Both sisters are alcoholics, one recovering and one not. I choose not to drink now because I am recovering from an ugly two year divorce, ending almost 20 years of marraige to an alcoholic. I also drank alongside until 8 years ago. I quit then and tried like hell to get her to do the same. She denied alcoholism and continues to do so.
2) Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
She denies alcoholism but concedes, religiously, that drinking is not good for her soul. Raised in the church, it was her faith in God and her upbringing that I was able to tap into to get her to realize this.
3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand him
I've prayed often on these issues and my feelings led me to end the relationship. I have been compelled, as before, to return to her and try again.
I spoke about the impact of drugs and alcohol upon her life and made it clear that I was not going to be with someone who was chemically dependent.
4) Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
I have been through three assessments in the last five years - one voluntarily and sought by myself in counseling before the divorce and two during the divorce proceedings as ordered by the court. I was honest in the assessment. I have been seeing the same counselor for the past 8 years and have been honest I believe.
5) Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
I feel hurt...control issues....pain...co-dependency... fear of commitment, fear of normalcy, lots of possible reasons - none of which had anything to do with her....I am done trying to control. I am resisting temptation to try again.
6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
BUT. Am I also not able to save myself? BUT. BUT. BUT. Heard that word way too much
7) Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings
I am choosing not to drink now because I want to feel all my feelings, good and bad, to hopefully understand them better and make better choices for my life. I am also scared...I have drank excessively on and off throughout the years and have suffered consequences as a result....My drinking has always been social.... I often chose to pour it out when she was not looking, milk it so as not to require another and otherwise electing not to get drunk. After all, I was the responsible one - codependency at its finest.
*You may want to act on the first three words of this step.
8) Made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all
9)Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Then she began... stopping off at the bar on the way to see me, going to the bar when she was upset. The confusion setting in now is because I love this woman but realize that I can't have her problem in my life. First, in denial, she will not recover and I am only going to continue to hurt us both down the road. Second, if she were to admit and enter recovery, would her dependency prevent my recovery from codependency?
*This step cannot be taken lightly and it is not an easy step. Co-dependants often want to rush over and fix things, because doing so meets their needs - this step reminds us to use thoughtful and selfless consideration.
*The next few steps, my new friend - you take without me. I hope this proves to be helpful, if not - Everything is going to be okay. Keep sharing and you will find your load halves itself each time you do. I wish you peace.
10) Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry it out.
12) Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practise these principles in all our affairs
I can only add this,,,, your quote, "The confusion setting in now is because I love this woman but realize that I can't have her problem in my life. First, in denial, she will not recover and I am only going to continue to hurt us both down the road. Second, if she were to admit and enter recovery, would her dependency prevent my recovery from codependency? Or is this all bullshit and I am afraid that she will admit, enter recovery, putting me in the position where I can't have the opportunity to drink or possibly even be forced to admit that I have a problem? Confusion." I think the key phrase is the last one... the if she enters recovery you would feel in the position where you couldn't drink and be forced to admit that you haave a problem... the focus would change from the women's problems to your own. But,,, look,,,, that might not be so bad,,, being in recovery is a good thing,,, even if it is you that is in recovery. And all the 12 Step programs,, AA, ACA, and alanon would tell you to focus on your own recovery and self-improvement as the solution to codependency tendencies.
Hey,,, and welcome to the board!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Just my experience with this disease and my loved one. And I've been through 3 rounds of this in 27 yrs. I think you could benefit from AA, Alanon and ACOA. Keep Coming Back!