Waaaay too friggin' much going on in my life right now.....Trying to figure out how I'm gonna go back to school, keep working, keep up my meetings, find time for my sponsor, BB study, take care of the house stuff, yada, yada, yada.......
My son finally called, wanting money. I had to remind myself that "NO" is a complete sentence.
Tonight my sponsor and I were making plans so I needed to look at my calendar. I had marked this week off, John and I were to ride to Milwaukee, I guess he went on with friends. Made me really sad. I was doing ok, trying to work through the grief, now it feels as fresh as it did the day I said "good-bye." I want this to end. I want to feel nothing for him at all. It hurts soo much. I miss him terribly. I know I am better off and that I am going to be OK, with time, but it's hard to imagine at this moment that I will ever feel better.
I have been spending more time at meetings and hanging out more with other AA's. That does help, but then I come to an empty house & around 10pm I look at the phone and think, it would be time for John to call.......
I have shared my ES&H here, not trying to convince anyone that AA is the only way, or that my way is the right way, just sharing what I have gone through and what helped me and I feel as though it was taken wrong. This is an AA site and I am an AA member, so, obviously, that would be where my ES&H comes from. I know I can be a bit of a hardass at times, but I've seen this disease kill those I love (and even some I barely knew). This is not a game, to me. This is life and death and I take it very seriously. So, if you take offense at what I share, well, take what you need and leave the rest.
My physical pain has returned 3 fold the last few weeks. I have been diagnosed with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome. Ever heard of such? I hadn't. Of course as always the treatment is painkillers, muscle relaxers and/or antidepressants. My answer to that "NO! Thank you." I have been seeing a sports medicine doctor who sent me to a neuromuscular massage therapist, it has helped some and I pray with time it will continue to get better.
The insurance company for the guy that nailed me & my poor little Beamer 4 months ago refuses to even return my phone calls, so I have contacted an attorney. But wondering if I should even go there as it means more stress and who knows how long this can be drawn out.
Just waaaayyyy too much on my plate right now. I'm trying, trying, trying, to be still and let go and let God. It's not coming easy.
My sponsor is on her own trip at the moment and the last 2 times I've spoken to her I've wondered just who the hell is sponsoring who
I suppose most of this is just a raw nerve. Too much at once.
The good news, I haven't considered a drink at all.
I thought I'd get it out, and maybe that will help.........
Thanks for letting me share.
Love you, all.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
easy does it. I try and work on just one thing at a time. I've got a lot of balls up in the air right now, different then yours for sure, but a lot of them. If I stop and think about all of it at one time I will easily overwhelm myself and want to run away and hide or just not get out of bed. But I'm more afraid of what will happen if I do nothing and everything falls apart so I just pace myself and "do the next right thing". One day at a time, one solution at a time
Thanks for sharing all your stuff with us, Doll. Sounds like alot of emotion going on for you & that's easily going to build & wind you up but from what you're saying, you're doing really well & keeping level headed despite how you're feeling. You stuck to your resolution with your son & have helped not to rescue him from himself which he will learn quicker from & you know that. Well done for having the courage to keep the bigger picture in view there & you have done it with love.
The pain with your Ex will pass as you say & it will take time & learning to live without again. There being an ache & space where he was before but your Higher Power will be healing this as we speak & you'll grow strong & independent again, free to love again sometime when you're ready ~ God's delays being not denials :) It's always hard for the first few months & what a wonderful support we have to soften us through it. I'm thankful I never truly have to feel alone in this Fellowship.
I've not been able to keep up with every post of late so I haven't seen where you may have caused any affront or else. I do know you can be strong in your opinions over time but like you say you are sharing from your own experience & exactly what is true for you & it is up to others whether they identify with that or not.. Taking what we like or can handle for this moment & leaving the rest while more is revealed. I always try to say just how it is for me & not speak for anybody else. None of us is perfect so I try to remember to place principles before personalities & Live and Let Live.. So many phases of development ;) I can't speak for having to take any medication as my health is good & I'm fortunate not to have to worry about that.. Yet! I am sorry you have to deal with an enduring illness on a daily basis. Bless you, Jen x
You're dealing with all your stuff & picking up the phone or calling upon other agencies who can help with practical advice. I've not been around long enough to guess at what to do when the dynamic with your Sponsor changes to becoming more '2way'. I recently took a new sponsor who I feel more friendlike with & less motherly which was good for me as I felt I could express myself with in more of my assets but obviously she still has the edge & the knowledge of the program to continue to challenge & teach me the practicing so that I can keep growing. She's even more BB orientated & also in the Counselling field so we've more in common that way but if I felt the relationship was no longer stretching me in the ways I need I would look again for someone new.
A gentlemen in the fellowship I met in Spain last year told me not only to stick with the winners but to keep moving on up through sponsorship learning as much as I could from individuals who had really good sobriety as I went. So, I will do this cuz it's this I'll ultimately pass on too. Equally, I'm sure it's good to be able to share back & to with your sponsor, showing your progress but it depends on what you truly prefer to gain from the relationship? (a penny's worth)
I'm glad you're rallying on through & sharing all your frustration here to lighten the load. I feel your Higher Power is strong with you & guiding you daily with one day's troubles at a time. I know it's just enough for you to handle. Thanks for sharing with everyone here, Doll. I hope you carry on cuz you've got loads to offer too. Well done in staying sober another day 1Day@aTime. Thanks for being here, Daniella x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 22:58, 2008-08-27
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
As always doll, thank you for sharing right from the heart! Your ES and Hope has done me a world of good. You have shown me that we do indeed need to reach out to others and share wholeheartedly, just where we are. You are handling life with absolute grace and are to be commended! Great job and "this to will pass!!"
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Acceptance(AKA Page 449, Page 417 or acceptence) Acceptance was an idea in a personal story introduced in the 3rd edition and stories are not included here. It was not part of the original book. See page 449 in the 3rd edition or page 417 in the 4th edition.
It says in part:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situationsome fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in Gods world by mistake.
Take care Doll, Things will get better. A break up is very hard to take. I am sorry you are going through that. Rosie
thanks for your share, i can really relate to how you are feeling, hang in there, sending plenty of ((Hugs)) you are doing at good job and dealing with many things. as Dean says, it's good to break it down, one at a time, helps me too.
It's such deep painful feeling ending a relationship, it wasn't long ago that I struggled with this. When you talked about him going without you, what it felt like, it reminded me of being in my apartment and it was so quiet, I thought the four walls were closing in on me, it really felt awful. But it was SO worth it, sticking it out, calling a friend for support and staying sober and facing it all. And the best thing is, that, as time passed the pain got less intense and I have made new friends in AA. I am so happy to have chosen soberity.
I am real proud of you for saying NO to your son, that takes alot of guts and determination, it's a gift to him, even though it was probably hard for you to do.
Keep sharing, I love your shares, and, as I understand it, we are all here for each other, say what you need to say and get it out, I am willing to listen.
Sorry Rosie, but I disagree. This time it's not about acceptance......This is about grieving the loss of a relationship and believing that time will heal my broken heart.... I refuse to accept the UNacceptable, as the guy that hit me was so busy talking on his cell phone he never even asked if I was OK. It was an accident, but it has added to & intensified my existing physical illness, & it's UNacceptable that my kid calls only for money, So, I think the 'easy does it' is the key. To not get overwhelmed and deal with things as they come. Doing the next right thing always works out. BTW: That's one of my FAVORITE stories in the BB, read it about 100 times over the last few years.
Thank you all, so much for the support and for just letting this old drunk VENT! A problem shared is a problem halved.
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll, Yes and as in grieving acceptance is part of the process so you may not be ready for that part. Very understandable. I feel for me that after all the pain and stages of grieving that the acceptance part is such a relief. Being able to forgive is for us not the parties who hurt us.
And sometimes things are just not forgiveable or at least feels that way at times. I felt that way with my ex but I am coming through that as well. It is a relief to get there.
As far as your son....no that is not acceptable and it sounds like you are making boundary lines for him. It is good for you as well as him to do so. Many good things will happen for you both in that. And yes it is hard to do for sure with our children.
I did not know you had got hit or about the accident. That is no fun.
I hope you feel better today. Easy does it is a good way to go and yes take each thing as it comes. Much easier for sure. Have a nice day. Rosie
After giving it a great deal of thought (ugggh!) I accept that you are correct, Rosie.....I have realized I am ANGRY. I feel betrayed, used and unloved by everyone that has 'contributed'. I know anger is not for me, that I have to work through it. I know it will pass......Thanks for the ES&H. Especially the HOPE!
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll, I know when I am hurting I get angry and sick of things and in the midst can't accept things as being just as they should be for the moment.
And to realize we do have the power to change the way we react. Much easier said than done though. I know when I do not drink and I utilize the principles of AA that I feel it is like a miracle that I feel different about what others have "done" to me.
Being able to look at those things is so much better when I can feel at peace about them.
