Hi All, I got to day 15 and had been feeling like a new person until I got up yesterday morning and just felt like crap. I was feeling just totally out of place. I had been doing all the right things thinking and feeling wise.
But I had not gone to AA meetings or reached out to anyone in person to stop the feelings that developed yesterday or at least have a way to divert those and not drink.
I have a huge problem with AA here and with meetings far and few between makes it very hard to have my pick and during the day is the worst part for me. The meetings at between 6:30 and 8:00 pm and if I make it to that time I am not wanting to drink anyway.
I get very ill trying to go to these meetings here due to the way people are and after the meeting I went to a guy made some sexual remarks as I was leaving the church.
When I went to the next meeting I got very ill all the way there. I got there and no one was there so I felt relieved and left.
I got sober by joining an intensive alcohol abuse program for 8 months and an alcohol counseling place that I went to 2 times a week and I saw another addiction counselor for 4 yrs one to twice and week.
I have to set those all back up and hope my medical insurance will pay for it again.
I understand how you all feel about AA. It does work. I went to AA in Florida for a couple of years and I had strong sobriety and many wonderful meetings with no BS.
Here I had a sponsor who told all my business and who make cruel remarks when I fired her and I would attend meetings.
Also a man I trusted and who my sponsor told me was okay to talk to came to my home with a six pack of beer on a day that I was having a hard time and had spoke to him on the phone. I did not know he was coming over and especially with a six pack.
I drank but he did not. I ended up in a blackout and he raped me. I told my sponsor and she told everyone and had already told a lot of my business. I calle him and he said "some of us are sicker than others." I called the police but the man had left to live in Hawaii within the week.
This was about 15 yrs ago but since then I have had a hard time to go to AA. But they did have open meetings and I still tried to attend them but now those meetings have been closed down. There has been many closed due to the drugs and smoking cigarettes on the grounds. No one wants to rent out to the AA people due to that.
Yes there are good people but far and few between. So I am in a fix as to have the help I need with AA. I live in the boonedocks. I understand to do what it takes to get to meetings and I had called people here and asked for rides to car pool but they do not go down that far.
I cannot afford the gas it would take to drive 45 minutes each way to get to them. That would end up being a self defeating situation for me.
I went to do errands and felt very antsy and just not well. I had gotten a call from the people I had helped and they talked at great length about the financial stuff and I felt like I was being kind of conned toward giving out money that I do not have.
And a few other people called and it just got to be too much. I was so spent on Monday night that I did not take a shower and just fell into bed. I had nightmares all night and got up feeling very lonely and sick at heart.
During my errands I ran into someone who drinks and they came over to talk and we ended up going to the golf course next door and I drank.
I got up this morning and they had brought over beer and tequilla that I took out and put in the big dumpster across the way. Now I am feeling down and usually I will drink again because I do not have a hangover and back in the mood of thinking it will help me to do my housework and mowing the lawn.
But I know it will only make matters worse all the way round. I need to snap out of the stinky thinking about the booze.
I ended up missing my ex again and know that is not good for me at all. It seems all the toxic junk comes back into play and looks good to me when I drink. Crazy!
So back to day 1 again. I have read here again today and it has helped me a lot as always. Rosie
Hi Rosie, im really sorry you are having a bad time and have had a relapse.
I dont know what to say exactly so im just going to say what im thinking and what my sponsor would say and hope thats ok.
Meetings, meetings, meetings not excuses, excuses excuses, your sobriety needs to come first, without meetings we are destined to fail.
As you know I have followed your progress every day and watched you grow and be able to go and visit family which is lovely but could you have not got to a meeting with the gas you spent those days. I understand its lovely to see your family but im sure they would rather have a sober you whom they see less of due to other financial necessities than a drunk you. Werent you talking about buying a new outfit for a wedding, would that money not be best spent on gas to get you to a meeting.
Not all meetings are alike honey and I am really very suprised at how many problems you have had.
I was worried about you with the high that you were on because I knew from getting sober the first time that the high doesnt last long and normal life kicks in and its hard. When I came back this time there was no high for me to start with just a great big black gaping hole that I slowly climbed my way out of and started learning to live life on lifes terms. I have up days and down days but I know this too shall pass.
Take care honey and please keep on letting us know you are ok.
Hi Rosie, So sorry to hear of your relapse but its not the end of the world. You pick up and dust off and start again. I have to say, I love the honesty that was spoken in KLT's post. We will go to any lengths to get sober and you just need to adjust yourself to these things. It is a matter of life and death for us!!! I'll keep you in my prayers girl! You have so much to offer all of us on here and I pray for your continued sobriety!!! One day at a time!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi KLT and Lani, Thank you for the support. My Mom lives about 8 minutes away and the meeting on Sunday was at 8 pm. I got more out of visiting with her and my sister and her husband and also my Step Dad then a meeting.
My Mom and sister are totally sober and have so much to offer. I feel safe with them. I totally do not feel safe going to the meetings here. My Step Dad drove their car also. It is hard to walk out and see people talking about smoking pot and exchanging the names of the pills they take.
I am not getting a new outfit after all because I cannot afford it. I just got my tax bill and insurance bill for my home and insurance for my car.
I understand the black hole and I had been in one for years now and for the last two weeks it has not all been a high at all. I just shared the good parts that I was able to get to each day as I read here and talked to my Mom and sisters plus other sober family members.
It was the pain I woke up with that helped me to focus on a better outlook each day.
This area is not like others where people are sober. It is too much for me and because of what happened there for me I feel more traumatized to go to them and sick. I tried to make the best of it last week when I went but I felt awful due to the man making those remarks right after the meeting.
I am very respectable and dress conservatively. And even if I was naked he had no right to do that.
My brother has gotten sober 22 yrs now and is a very gracious happy man without AA and so is my Mom being sober now ten yrs. So are my sisters. They go to church and are very spiritual and have all the beliefs and priniciples that people in AA are suppose to practice.
I feel it is a good program but it is too hard for me to go from here. And for me to go everyday to the city 45 minutes away and 45 minutes back is too much for me to do.
I called my counselor of 4 yrs and will be starting back to see him and the other places I had attended. When I started drinking again was when my ex escalated in his abuse and I quit attending those places. Just like if someone quits AA and working on themselves.
I was strong no matter what during those four years but I got sick from the abuse and went down for the count.
So no more abuse and I need to get back into what keeps me sober. I had done the steps in the counseling sessions and had a mentor who helped me greatly and who is not only an addiction counselor but an alcoholic who has not drank for about 25 yrs.
Very wonderful woman who let me call her at all hours and was there totally for me. I left her a message today also.
So I feel I will be able to gain back strong sobriety and without my ex in my life I will be stronger than ever.
I love this forum and feel it is helping me very much. Sometimes AA is not for everyone to get sober. God bless Rosie
oh Rosie, you've had a tough time! But, you are on the right track and sound determined and strong. Sounds like everything happened at once on Monday. Like when it rains it pours, but you are back on track. So we are both back to the single digit numbers but only for a short time! PJ
Hi PJ, Thank you for your support. I feel nothing is lost even in relapse and is firm bedrock to build sobriety.
I do not feel that I ever lose what I have gained when I have ever relapsed. And I do not beat myself up for it. I will get up and do the best I can.
I am expecting a call from my Mentor who is sober 25 yrs and who is an addiction counselor. And a lady called to check on me who was the counselor for the intensive substance abuse program I did for 8 months.
I need to surround myself with all those people again. AA is out and that is that. The rape and the sponsors telling my business plus the drugs and unsober people is too much for me.
Sometimes AA is not for some people to get sober. As you have read with my family.
I hope not to offend those who totally believe in it. I liked it when I was in Florida. The city that is 45 min away has a lot of great meetings and sober people also. But it is too far to go and it would not work for me. That is why I did the counseling etc before.
So onward and upward. God bless PJ You sound real good. Keep up the great work. Rosie
Hang in there Rosie, it gets better regardless of what's behind us. We can't let let our past dictate our present or our future. One of my favorite quotes came when Enzo Ferrari was once asked about the practicality of such small mirrors on one of his sports cars and he simple replied "what's past is past". Let you rear view mirror be as small as possible so you can concentrate on what your HP has for you today. He/She can only be with you "In today". Let it go and keep trying, you'll get it if you want it.
Been there, done that too......I wasn't willing to go to 'any length' for quite a while. Made excuses, i.e. didn't like the people, some guy stared at me thru the whole meeting, the women were crack whores, I didn't "belong" with those types of people, the meeting was too far away, the time was not convenient, my sponsor wanted me to do WHAT?! blah, blah, blah, blah......Guess what followed? RELAPSE.
God willing, in less than 30 days this old drunk will have managed to get 365 24 hours!(now THAT is a miracle).
I finally figured out if I wanted to stay sober and stop the madness I had to go to any length. Part of that 'length' was going to meetings I didn't want to go to, part was stopping using the 'bad shit' that had happened to me as an excuse and part was realizing that no one and nothing can make me drink, I drank because I'm an alcoholic. It was just that simple for me.
You gotta WANT it, Hun, and that's just the way it is. You gotta want to stay sober more than you want to drink.
So, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over.
((((hugs)))
-- Edited by Doll at 18:31, 2008-08-27
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
My brother and family members have stayed sober for years without AA.
They are happy people and very spiritual. I feel that is the way for me is to go to the counseling etc that I talked about and to talk to my mentor who is calling right now! Rosie
Hi all, I just got off the phone with my mentor and we have a plan to talk each day and do the steps. We just went over step one and she wants me to start a journal as I read step one.
I will make a list of things that have happened since I started to drink again this past year. And write about step one. And we will discuss it tomorrow night.
And I will be getting back to the intensive substance abuse program. What I like about it is it is all women. And we can talk openly about women stuff. My counselor for the other is a man and I trust him with my life. I had him for four years.
So I will be busy each and every day with all of this and on weekends my mentor and I will be in touch and I will be with my family. I need to attend church on Sundays again.
I do not look down on AA and I also do not think I am better than anyone there. I am blessed to have the advice here of you all, and I appreciate that with all my heart.
My mentor is going to go online to check this site out also. She attends AA also. But understands my feelings about it.
At first, I was a serial relapser. I couldn't manage to get more than a few eeks of sobriety behind me and I would drink again. Then, after about three months back in AA something changed for me. I now have just over two and a half years sobriety.
I learned from my last relapse and I'm vigilant about self-pity (which was what I drank on) all of the time.
But, I dusted myself off and got back into sobriety one day at a time with baby steps.
For me, sobriety isn't just not drinking. It's about changing myself and handling what life throws at me with a clear head. It isn't always easy, but drinking again isn't the answer for me.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? You're not on your own. We're all here for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi Carol, Thank you for your support. I do not feel like I am a victim but that I am a survivor. So the pity thing can go west.
I state the facts of what has happened in my life but I take the responsibility of it all onto myself. I have had a lot of therapy and great sobriety. I feel it is not all lost if I relapse. The relapse helps me to get stronger and builds on the foundation for me.
It is a process and I am proud of myself for coming through things. And learning from it all. I know all about changing myself and I also feel proud that I was able to look deep inside to deal with even the worst things that could happen. That is not lost. I do have other levels I want to work on and now will do so.
I have been journaling and starting back on Step 1 this morning. I will be talking to my mentor tonight and we will start meeting again to do these. I am set up in starting back to see the counselor I saw for 4 yrs also. We are starting on Mon. and will set up the dates after the session.
He was glad to hear from me. And I called the other places and they are finding a space for me.
The goal is to stay sober and work the steps. This is all in my area and the insurance I have will pay for it all. So everyday I will have support and will be building my sobriety again.
I loved those four years more than ever in sobriety because of all the wonderful things and programs and people I had for support. So I feel blessed to be starting again.
I allowed lonliness to come into play the other day and it was hard to snap out of but I learned from that. Thank you again for your support. Rosie
I stay sober by going to meetings, I really understand, "that in order to keep it, I have to give it away". For this alcoholic, I go to meetings because you never know, who will walk through the door and I want to be there for others, because someone was in the room when I walked in.
I thought I could do it without meetings, but all I did was slip for 10 years, I would go to meetings stay sober for a year, stop going to meetings and party for two years, back to meetings, stay sober for 3 years, then out again....
Finally 16 months ago, I hit my bottom. How do I know, I hit my bottom? Because when I got back to my AA meetings something was different, I wasn't fighting anymore, I actually surrendered. And in that act, of complete surrender, the miracle of a spiritual awakening slowly started to smolder. I didn't even know it was happening at first, it came on me slowly like a small flame. But it built into a bonfire because my AA buddies blew on it with their shares. Thank you God!
Thank you all, I love you all, and I am so glad to be around this fire!
Hi Findingfreedom, I met with the group of women who do the substance abuse program and we read the first step and I shared my thoughts from my journal. It was such a relief to be with these ladies.
I meet with them tonight again. We will do this three nights a week and hopefully on Saturdays. They are working on getting a room to do that. I told them my home would be open also to all gather.
I meet with my counselor who I had for four years on Monday and will set up our twice a week meetings. We meet during the noon hour so I love that. He is wonderful. He is also an addiction specialist and AA is a big thing for him with people although he understands the trauma I had from this area.
And my mentor is making plans to get the girls and I who met last night to all car pool to the city and make meetings. It is such a relief because I do not have ongoing money to keep that up and this will help a lot. My mentor lives further up in the mountains here in VT. So it is about 1 hr and a half for her to travel.
But she is figuring it all out with me and the group. Never a problem without a gift!!!!! I am excited and now I am surrounded with people each and everyday plus my Mom mentors me also. She has so many profound wonderful ways of spirituality and common sense.
I am blessed. Thank you all for your support. I am not opposed to AA at all it is this area. The drugs are crazy and worse than ever here and people do not get that they are not sober and it is illegal!!! But not my problem and I will not subject myself to it and the rude remarks due to someone being high at the meetings.
After our meeting tonight I hope we can all go to the noon meeting in the city tomorrow. They have excellent meetings. And we are suppose to go to the lake front and have a small picnic if the weather is good. Take care and thank you Rosie
