So, at 19 days I drank. Went out of town on business - the meeting was at a Casino - and though it was uncomfortable - I wanted to play and drink - I didn't drink.
Headed home, in a restaurant in the airport - and ordered 2 martinis. Didn't feel guilty, didn't get drunk - didn't worry about it after.
I was just to the point of being sick of AA (please no offense here). My beau got sober 16 years ago. He just went back in after his second time going out and I was just SATURATED - extremely tired of talking about AA all the time. If I heard "You need to..." one more time.
I got home on Thurs eve late, worked Friday - he came over Sat and asked me how many days I had. I said 22 (lied). Didn't even think about the martinis - no guilt at all - just didn't want to talk about AA. I had a decision to make. I figured when I knew what I was going to do I would talk with him about it - but I wanted the decision to be mine. If I continue to work the program, I want it to be MY program. He has been back in 6 mos, no sponsor, not working the steps, no commitments and he is constantly pushing me to do more, go to more meetings, call the girls, get a sponsor. He is homeless and jobless and basically going to meetings to network his way out of situation. I didn't want to talk about it, so I lied.
Later that night - he finds the receipt in the trash can for the martinis. He gets very upset (doesn't raise his voice) and it basically comes down to "I don't know if I can be in a relationship with a liar." "My girlfriend looked me in the face and lied to me, I am going to have difficulty trusting her now." This from a man who has cheated on me and in the past if he opened his mouth he was lying. But now - he wants to "live a healthy life" - so my behavior is unacceptable. "He can find someone that already knows how to not lie." His friends from his meetings say "that is a deal breaker, stay with her if you want to be with a liar". (So he says).
I am sorry I lied. It was not right. I admitted and accept that. But this reaction after I explained why? Wow. I could completely understand "I am disappointed, that hurt my feelings, please don't do it again...." but wow....
Anyway - my thoughts were, this relationship stuff aside - that I would go to my meeting on Wednesday (today) and decide what to do then. I either tell them I am out - or stay and work the program. I honestly don't know which way I am going to go - I figured a break from the whole thing would make things a little clearer for me. But now with this relationship crap clouding everything it just all feels bad.
So I drank 6 days ago - haven't wanted one since - and am not overcome by guilt. But I have no idea what I am going to do this evening. Just a bit angry over the whole thing. I am going because I have a lit commitment I took 1 week into my program. I need to go to the bookstore today and deliver what I promised them I would.
So anyway, there is my rant.
Confused, angry, hurt, and feeling alone...
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
so you slipped in a slippery place, realize the mis-step and move on. We only have today, right? Not too clear about the nature of the relationship with your BF? He doesn't live with you? maybe that relationship has out grown it's usefulness and it's time for a change. He doesn't sound too functional to me, and if you're thinking of putting you and your sobriety first, perhaps this is an obstacle that can be avoided. I had to divorce my first wife to get clean and sober and I'm very glad that I did. Wife #2 is more incredible then I can explain with my limited command of language. You deserve better, he needs to get a clue lol.
I gotta agree with Dean about the BF. A "recovering" alcoholic who is not working their own program is in NO position to be "helping" another with theirs. A truly recovering alcoholic also knows that he/she can be supportive (to a point, which I will address in next sentence) of their alcoholic partner, but cannot be a sponsor to someone with whom they are emotionally involved. And, finally, it is co-dependant behaviour to attempt to control another person by trying to manipulate them through guilt. "I don't know if I can stay with someone.....yaddah-yaddah.....My friends say.....yaddah-yaddah-yaddah....."
Threatening to leave if he cannot control you is BS. As Yoda the Jeddi master instructed young Skywalker, "Either do....or do not!"
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 16:53, 2008-08-27
I don't care for that "beau" manipulating you! He's jobless; homeless, digging thru your trash for crap to hold against you? Whew! I'm mad.
I am in a happy and good marriage now, but if I could share the "beau" stories in my life! I can so relate. Controlling and controlling me with alcohol! I'm not blaming them for my alcoholism, but one was quite bright and quite a con; he recognized the symptoms and kept the booze (and phoney love) flowing, while I helped him financially, let him live with me, married HIM!!!!! and with his child support (which he lied about how much it was) until I was broke, broken, and really hooked on the booze; had to file bankruptcy as he was stealing and using my credit cards to the tune of over $50,000 when my credit has always been impeccable! That was one huge dark hole I'd fallen into. Rambiling here, but controlling men (or women) are on my s--t list big time. This one I finally figured out was a gambler-aholic which is why he was stealing my money! Awful stuff... I know had I been sober, this relationship would never have happened, and all the horrible stuff that went with it. (This was 16 years ago...) What a nightmare. He skulked out of town never to be seen again by me...another nightmare divorcing a person who cannot be located (not that I wanted to) but I did. (divorce him that is...) all this in a year and a half! blecht!
Well Darn, Indeed! Great to see you back, Tlc. Sorry to hear about your slip but it will be a stepping stone back into your sobriety. That BF of yours sounds like he's keeping the heat off him & the focus on you. You're very well capable of doing that for yourself & you don't need anyone near who isn't prepared to deal with & own their own stuff & get off you. It's an added pressure you don't appear to need. It's up to you what lengths you'll go to in order to stay sober yourself. He may think you a liar (after lying!) but you clearly don't trust his motives either. In this program we disregard the other person's faults & resolutely look for our own mistakes. This is the only thing we can do anything about. You can choose how you will respond to his behaviour. Ultimately it's your own your interested in & I wish you the best of luck getting the support you need to move on from this incident. Go to your meetings & do it for yourself, Tlc. Your program is nobody else's business unless you choose to share it. Keep coming back. Neither of us are alone :) Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thank you everyone for your feedback. Much needed.
I went to a meeting and feel better. Book study - chapter on agnostics. Very good. I shared, for the first time, about my reaction to the chapter - which I found absolutely fascinating, and admitted when they last saw me I had somewhere around 14 days - and I now have 6. What I got: "Keep coming back, it is OK." I did my lit commitment - went to the bookstore etc. and though it is a small thing, it felt really good to do.
And it isn't about the beau being a homeless, jobless, cheater - there are stories around all of it and I have forgiven and supported a lot - though it didn't sound like it in my original post. The point I was trying to make was being reacted to like that with those facts in the mix - it was infuriating! I really don't care about his program; I am having a hard enough time with my own - it is tough being a newcomer! I haven't (until this incident) sat and thought - gee, he doesn't have a sponsor - or taken a commitment - or ANYTHING. He leaves meetings and tells me about who he saw and what opportunities he sees out of it. Those are just the plain facts and it had an affect on my reaction to the situation. So - when I was judged and reacted to so harshly by someone that is a: supposed to love me and B: preaches the program constantly - I got angry, indignant, and defensive. HOW DARE YOU! And I turned around and judged him right back! Take that!!
And that is MY problem. A: I lied about my drinking. B: I got angry, indignant, and defensive. Boy....I sound like an alcoholic!
Thanks again - so much. I feel better. And that is an improvement - because usually this toxic crap would sit in my stomach for weeks!
I will keep my recovery forefront - I find it helps piece of mind a LOT. I couldn't even see clearly today. I don't find our behavior acceptable and need to set better boundaries and think as I continue the program (guess I made that decision) that will become easier to do and stand behind. And I think as I continue this relationship will flourish or die naturally. One day at a time.
Thanks so much for listening to my relationship woes. I have never been any good at them and this one seems more challending than most. Nothing like two alcoholics who have been actively drinking together and going into the program together. Thing is - one is just discovering and the other has a lot of experience and can talk the talk (like no man's business)! Very strange dynamic to say the least.
tlc
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__________________ "By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach." ~Winston Churchill
One of the things that was stressed at beginner's meetings when I first came to AA was no relationships for the first year.
Although I agree whole heartedly with that recommendation, there is some debate about it because it doesn't appear in any AA literature. Bob Earle (AA circut speaker is vocal in opposition to it). But the intended meaning would be no new relationships in the first year (or dating newcomers with less than a year). Another recommendation is "try not to make any major decisions or changes in the first year". I believe that existing relaionships would generally fall under that, but if relationships are dysfunctional they are detremental to continued sobriety (challenging) and putting them on hold or perhaps ending them should be considered. If you don't have sobriety you're not going to have much of a life or anything else anyway. What ever we put in front of our sobriety we will lose (eventually) if we return to drinking. Relationships, like many things in life, are optional where sobriety is not.
