I am not going to beat myself up. Saturday night, my husband went out and got himself a bottle of wine. I did not want any. I drank diet cola while he drank wine and got stupid and slurry. He's very stoic when he is normal, and a little alcohol makes him romantic, talkative, and loving. ha. Anyway, he was sitting out on the deck with his 2nd glass of wine SINCE he'd hit the halfway mark on the big bottle and said that was all he was having...he was getting into his long winded boring talk; I was sipping my diet soda....I walked inside to the wetbar where my sodas were and there sat his big bottle of wine, now 3/4 empty; I picked it up and had a long guzzle right out of the bottle. Thinking all the while how stupid that was! That was it - my mini relapse (are any of them mini?) and am just wondering what gripped me to pick up that bottle and guzzle some???? That was Saturday night; he nursed a hangover all day Sunday while I felt wonderful; cleaned, cooked, worked out, and gave no more thought to that wine! Feels good to clear my heart of this faux pas....but now I'm on day 2 instead of day 11
To be fair to my spouse, he hasn't drank at all in about a month; asked me before he bought the wine if it would bother me. (I said no). He's one of these who, when he drinks, he may over drink that night, but he has NO inclination to continue drinking and as he said yesterday while he felt hungover - that was it! I'd say he might occassionally drink too much but he isn't the alcoholic I am. (as in, he doesn't turn to it to relieve anxiety or worries or depression). AS WE ALL KNOW, that doesn't work! So, I'll be happy with my DAY 2. Headed for a live meeting at noon!
there are no "mini relaspses" although it's good that you didn't continue or fail to tell your group (this board) about it. Being in a relationship or marriage increases the difficulty in getting sober as it is somewhat of a distraction from concentrating on oneself. Note that you made 11 references to your husband in the first paragraph. Having a spouse that drinks in the house or out with you dramatically increases the odds against getting and staying sober. It is highly recommended that you ask your spouse to Not drink in the house or out with you for a considerable amount of time, I'd recommend it until you at least have a year of uninterrupted sobriety.
I tried to get sober for two years, while living with my wife at that time, while she drank occasionally (a bit more than you say your's does) and it didn't work. Don't be fooled by your husbands position in this relationship. He married an alcoholic and that's never by chance, and makes him codependent whether major or minor. With that said, there will be a natural tendency for him to desire the status quo to continue as change brings uncertainty and the balance of power will be affected. What I'm trying to say is that most people in his position will, consciously or subconsciously try and sabotage your sobriety. Believe it.
This would be a good topic of conversation with your AA group. Bring it up when they ask "is there anyone having trouble staying sober today" that means you
Well Pj , congrats on day 2!!!! I know for me, if my spouse was drinking or had a bottle in the house, Id be right there with him! The temptation would be too great! So, not doing it around you, whether you say its ok or not, is probably not a good idea!!!
It could have been worse so you have the right idea about moving forward!! Good luck!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I agree with what you are saying and to plan to share my guzzle lapse with the group today or soon, depending on where the topics are going today... ___________________________________________________________
Hey PJ, not trying pile on but I wanted to point out that rather than pouring yourself a glass and drinking it with your husband, you kinda sneaked that guzzle in there presumably to hide your drinking. That's something that We do. It and this slip are what alcoholics do. There's no shame in it, it's what we naturally are going to do unless we change our way of doing things. We have to set boundaries for ourselves and unfortuneately, with others around us, to change our circumstances. If nothing changes, nothing changes. This is a proccess not an event. We just don't deside to stay sober, we really have to work at it.
Btw, my former spouse was not willing to not drink around me. She said "it's your problem not mine". I tried for 2 years to get sober, going to meetings... and never got more than 2 months and I have a pocket full of white to prove it. My marriage didn't survive my sobriety because my sobriety wasn't surviving the marriage. Not saying that your's won't but Marriage is a privilege, staying sober so that we don't die is a personal obligation to onself (for a discussion on priorities ). After all, if we don't get sober, what's the future of a marriage anyway?
Don't beat yourself up about your relapse. I relapsed after three months, but I decided not to beat myself, but to learn from it and what caused me to pick up the drink again. It's now just over two and a half years since my last drink.
My boyfriend drinks (but not alcoholically!) and when I first started back with AA I told him it was fine for him to drink around me. That was a mistake as I made it so very much harder for myself.
Congrats on coming back and being on day 2! That's great. I hope you plan on sharing your slip at your home group. If I hadn't, I might have carried on secretly drinking.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Hi PJ, The saying goes that when you relapse to pick your butt up off the ground, put it in a bag and go to a meeting.
And it is true that partners will get affected when the other changes even if it is for the good and when that happens there is an unspoken feeling that they might have to change themselves.
And that does not mean they are bad but even just in the way they have related to you. And now they have something and someone who is acting differently. It can be scary to your partner.
And yes they can sabotage even not realizing it. And you can also set your self up without realizing it to say yes to him bringing in the booze.
I know for me if I get around people who drink even if they do not even have a drink with them or who are drinking at the moment (alcoholic or not) that I am setting myself up.
It is a slippery slope back to full fledged drinking and a short one if we make those kind of choices. Denial can start to get knee deep right now for us at this stage sweet girl. No matter how strong our convictions are.
Do not set your self up. This is cunning and baffling dis-ease you are dealing with and it needs to be taken serious with no jokes. And a person does not have to drink like we do to be alcoholic.
An alcoholic can drink once a year and still be one. People did not think I was one because I drank once a year for a long long time before I drank alcoholically.
I feel a whole bottle of wine is concerning. No offense dear soul. I feel your husband is a good man and you have a nice relationship but this is a serious matter and needs to be treated as such.
I will be around my family at a wedding on Sunday and my sister knows I am newly getting sober again so she called and has told everyone that if they drink they have a designated area to do so. She has a huge home and a pool area so the booze will be way out of my view.
And my family members who are sober will be around me for support. I called my family and got that set up. This is for Sunday Aug 31st. And I have made all the plans I can to protect myself around the booze.
Yesterday I also went to another sisters home with my Mom and step Dad to tell them I am getting sober and she was extremely supportive and is also going to help me that day.
I do not feel I will have a problem at all and I always do stay sober at these events but normally after being subjected to the booze and even if I do not drink after the events that day I tend to feel like it a few days later thinking I "deserve" to drink and be "happy???" also.
Stinky thinking for sure.
I feel you are a sitting duck to have the booze brought right in under your nose and your husband may not realize the seriousness of this for you completely.
I am proud of you that you realized and stopped. But that can get to you and make you think you can control the drinking after all. The dis-ease is playing with you.
I am thinking of you sweet girl and by all means do not beat yourself up. I do not believe in it. If I mess up I will not feel guilty but I will take stronger measures to avoid what compelled me to drink and not allow the same people, place or thing to happen.
We need to avoid people, places and things. You cannot avoid your husband but he is a people and he brought in the thing (wine) and put it in your place (your home) and into himself (people). Not good.
We have to be selfish and take care of ourselves. God bless I feel you are doing extremely well. Rosie
He's one of these who, when he drinks, he may over drink that night, but he has NO inclination to continue drinking and as he said yesterday while he felt hungover - that was it!
Normal people stop when they've had enough. I never had enough so I never stopped.
My hubby also drinks...when he goes tho his designated area, I go to my new designated area. I have to really watch it. All has been ok so far. also, even though they seem supportive, there is a sense of manipulation-whether or not he realizes it. For example, mine says, I won't tell you to drink but I amnot going to stop you either....so the underlying message is join in!! My therapist and I have discussed this. I turned down a great party this weekend. I watched my husband waiste a day in drinking and a day with a hangover...but I was not mad. I usually get so pissed that it triggers me. I have a feeling of surrender. I am meeting new people...my life really is transitioning. Anyhow, just thought I would comment.
Thank you Rosie. I do not feel he (husband) understands the seriousness of it either. It's like - "well, don't drink!" - as you said, it is a very sneaky and cunning disease. I will watch it; next time, should he ask, I'll say I'd prefer you didn't - and let him drink alone and I'll go shopping or go read a book! It was stupid and I still can't understand why I had to have a sip; knowing I was blowing my "sober days count" and would fess up to my AA friends. Nope, not beating myself up! I had a wonderful day - working with good people; some know my problem, others probably don't - it doesn't really matter! I'd go to the night meeting at 8:00 but since my 2 retinal detachment surgeries, I can't drive at night yet....bummer. I'll make time tomorrow. YOU are doing great and it is wonderful to have your family so supportive and behind you. Family is wonderful.Life is wonderful;Feeling good, sleeping good, and waking up fresh and full of life is the most wonderful thing! as you know!
PJ Tucker wrote:.......bottle of wine, now 3/4 empty; I picked it up and had a long guzzle right out of the bottle. Thinking all the while how stupid that was!
Been there, done that. And before I knew, it at some point not too long after that 'guzzle' or even just a 'swallow', my disease would be screaming at me
"Well, if ya gotta start all over, you might as well make it worth while!!!!"
So, I'd make it worthwhile!
I'd highly suggest you be honest with Hubby.....Even though on many occasions someone else's drinking REALLY didn't bother me at the time, I would have a resentment later.
(((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi PJ, I would tell him you have to go to any length to stay sober and one being not allowing alcohol in your home. And also we can set ourselves up on the slippery slope back to drinking by saying yes to someone to drink.
When he asked if you minded then he should be prepared for "Yes I do mind!"
We also get comfortable in the dynamics that have been set between partners and it can feel odd to the point that we both sabotage the good. Working out is hard to get into and with all good intentiions we can end up not really wanting to keep up on it.
Humans have a hard time with self care and we can find ways not to.
I know for me I got great intentions here for two weeks and in the last two days they have kind of gone out the window as far as the treadmill, weight bench and tanning in my bed.
Some kind of depressed feeling has hit me and I do not feel the same but I know it is par for the course of life in that not everyday is going to feel that great. And it is needed for appreciation and growth.
It is easy to sabotage myself at these lulls. Or I can push myself and realize what is going on and do what is right for me.
It is not up to anyone but me to know what is good for me and if someone offers to drink in front of me it is a NO GO deal. Partner or not. They will make it and they need to respect what I am doing for me.
My sister understands and is taking measures for me because I talked to her about it and I am guarding myself enlisting my sober family to be there for support at my nephews wedding. Just an added measure for me even though I never drink amongst my family events.
It helps me psychologically to do this.
Things are changing in your life and home and that can be hard even though it is for the good. God bless and keep up the great work. Rosie
Hi PJ. My husband drank a couple of times early in our marriage. I relapsed at different points, and blamed it on his having a beer. What I had to realize is that he really DID care and did NOT want me to drink. He was in no way trying to sabotage our marriage through me drinking. Once he discovered that alcohol was NOT a good idea in the home, we have not ever had any here since. He has a drink maybe once every couple of months, and only in a social occasion like a wedding or a rare evening out with friends. Once he discovered the power of my disease, he has been a 100% support for me. He can take it or leave it, and 99% of the time, he will leave it in favor of "being on the same level" as me.
Treat this as a learning experience.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
