My friend that is very dear to me and my wife is an alcoholic. He has been getting much worse lately, seemingly by the day. I know that he is battling severe depression, and has had serious thoughts of suicide. I have known about the alcohol problem for a long time, but he is a very private person, and I have been afraid that if I brought it up, he would push me away. This week, he admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, and that it was probably going to cost him his job. He told me he was very ashamed and embarassed to tell me about this, and I told him there was nothing for him to be embarrassed or ashamed about, and that he was just a good guy with a disease that he needs help with.
I'm hoping this admission to me is a big first step, and that it will go a long way toward him admitting to himself that he needs to get help. I know he needs to get involved with AA in his area, but again knowing the type of person he is, I think it will be very very difficult for him to take this first step. I'm not sure he thinks enough of himself right now to seriously want to get help, or to believe that he truly can get better. My friend really is an awesome person, one of the best people I have ever met in my life. I really want to do whatever I can to help. Please, if any of you can give me advice on how to approach this, or what to say, I would greatly appreciate it. Sorry if I sound overly dramatic but this is very important to me. Thanks so much for your help.
Unfortunately AA is for those who WANT it, not for all who NEED it. The only person that can help him, is him.
What you can do is suggest AA. Find out when and where meetings are, maybe offer to give him a ride there or even attend an open meeting with him. Let him know you're his friend, that you care and want him to get well.
If you're a praying man, then pray for him. I'll be praying for all of you.
~ Jen
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks very much. I am very willing to go to an open meeting with him if he were to want me to. I want to reiterate to him that we don't think any less of him, in fact we think more of him for having the courage to admit this problem. The shame he has in his voice, it's like he puts his alcoholism in the same category as being a child molester or something.
We are going fishing together tomorrow so I will have a chance to talk with him about this. And yes I am a praying man, and I will continue to pray for him. Thanks for your prayers as well.
I will help you help your good friend by praying for him, and for you as well.
I think the best thing that ever happened to my loved ones when I was still in my active drinking, was Al Anon. It helped my family to make sense of what was happening to me, and taught them how to do the right things regarding efforts to "sober me up". Al Anon is full of people just like you, who truly love and care for an alcoholic, but don't quite know how to handle it. Ith elps the alcoholic as well, in a very real way that you would have to experience to understand.
I hope you will check out Al Anon.... great program!!
And by the way, a warm welcome to you here!!
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Take a look at I'll Quit Tomorrow by Vernon E. Johnson. I've only read a bit of the beginning and it looks like a pretty good book. It's available from third party sellers on Amazon for a whole penny (plus shipping of course).
What Doll said. Suggestions from a close friend are very powerful to the alcoholic. Google AA meetings in your area or just call the AA phone number in the phone book. Ask where a good (large) speakers meeting is on a friday or saturday nite in a part of town that reflects the lifestyle of your friend.
These are very upbeat and social and he'll get to see a couple of recoverying alcoholics get up to a podium and tell their story of how they overcame their active drinking problem. He won't be required to speak or anything else but listen. And hopefully he'll here his own story and a way out.
A word of caution. Although people such as your friend will complain and look for pitty that doesn't always mean that they are ready to quit drinking. If he makes that clear than make it known to him that he's on his own if he doesn't want to get help and help himself. I usually say "let me know when you're wiling to DO something about Your problem". Don't enable him by lending money or otherwise taking care of responsibilities that he should be taking care of for himself. Willingness usually comes by way of desparation and loss. When we get in the way of that proccess we become part of the disease and are in affect killing that person.
My sponser told me once. Take care of you, the creator will take care of the rest of humanity.I still watch some good people drink. It is hard some have come for advice after awhile they go back. That is harder to watch, when they go back. I keep myself surrounded by alcoholics. I believe we do really want to make a difference. I wish I those words to help you help your friend. My job is to help you don't dwell on this too much take care of you.
As has already been suggested, you and your wife could try Al Anon.
It has to be so hard to see a dear friend suffering. As he has already talked about it with you, you could encourage him to go to an AA meeting or two. You are all in my prayers and thoughts.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
If your friend is depressed and expressing suicidal thoughts you need get him help immeadiately...go to his family, go to the authorities, have him admitted to a hospital...his safty needs to be considered above anything else. His alcoholisim cant even begin to be addressed until he is somewhere wher ehe is being fully supervised. As a formerlly manic depressive and current alcoholic I can tell you that when I was in my darkest moments vodka wa sthe only thing that numbed me enough to refrain from ending it all...if someone had tried to take that away from me without gettting me help with my menatl state first I wouldnt be here today.
Welcome.. Lots of great advise! Went to a lead meeting last night and my friend said her family and friends did an "intervention" on her. She knew she needed to stop and they just guided her closer to a solution. Ended up going to rehab the next day and now has 2.5 years sobriety! Prayers up for you all!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Sincerest thanks to everyone. I get jaded sometimes but this board proves that there are still good people left in the world. Not much time to reply right now, my friend is here now and we're heading out to go fishing. I'll post probably tomorrow since he's staying over my place tonight.
hello there from australia not that being on the other side of the world is any different. the alcoholics over here and my former life are the same as you have described about your friend, if the advice from the other posts apart from you going to alanon if you do, dont get any where, there is another help you can create if his health gets worse and he doesnt seek medical help either. phone up the AAoffice in your district and ask them to send someone over to visit him at his home, thats if he wants it to happen, this service is free and is a service over here in australia. if he doesnt respond to that then keep trying over a period of time because they know what to do and wont lead him off in a wrong area, they are also allowed to admit people to hospital as that is part of there AA service record that is allready known by the medical authorities, and even the police. as he knows you care about him he wont kill himself, we say desperate things because we get into a desperate state, alcohol is a depressant so he needs to abstain from drinking before going on any anti depressants, if somenoe thinks of taking him in that direction, take care and stay strong but dont smother this person either, cheers peter.
There is no way that we can commit anyone in the United States based on a history of alcoholism, or even when they are drunk, unless they have committed a crime (public intox can be the "crime" though) and the police take them to detox in lieu of going to jail. If a person is suicidal, the police can take them to a hospital or psyche unit.
There has to be a court order to force someone into treatment or detox, which usually begins with a crime having been committed where there is time to be served, and the person can opt for treatment in lieu of incarceration. (I sadly know way too much about this process, having experienced it myself here int eh states.) I think it depends on what state you are in here as well, but that is how it is in my state, and I know that rights are protected under federal law regarding being committed by others. It is a very difficult to have done here, like I said, without there having been a moderate crime.
That said, Hydrilla, I hope you are finding a lot of avenues here, for which to consider in helping your friend. I was the type of alcoholic where I had to suffer consequences before becoming totally willing to get help. My family sadly had to back away from me after years of trying to take care of me, search for me all hours of the night, pay my bills, pay my fines, put me up for short periods of time in their homes or in apartments. I was a tough nut to crack, and I hope your friend is a little more willing than I was early on. But some of us really do need some of our consequences to stick. There is a saying in AA, "Do not ever deny an alcoholic his consequences... they may actually save his life."
So if at first you don't succeed, keep this in mind. There are alkies out there who decided enough was enough, and took advantage of help through AA, after receiving some help like you are giving to your friend. But you must make sure he is not using your help to "hide" from the reality that he needs other recovering alcoholics and AA in his life to really recover from the soul-sickness of alcoholism. Being isolated and dry is not the answer. Learning how to LIVE and enjoy life sober from others who have been there is the key.
Keeping the prayers going for you both.
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
Hi All, You can call authorities if the person says they are suicidal. And the police can committ them to a hospital etc. in those cases. Those are parts of of alcoholism that the authorities can help with someone besides the DUI's and detox etc.
You may want to get people together and find out how to do an intervention and maybe call people who can be there from a rehab to get your friend into it right away.
Good luck. Your friend does not know how lucky they are. I has wished many days that I had people who would do that for me. But by the grace of God I am able to pull myself up out of it and do it myself. Take care Rosie
My friend just went home a few minutes ago. I'm glad I posted here, because I probably would have had more of an in your face, "this is what you gotta do" approach, which might not have been the right thing. To my disappointment, and like some of you suggested, just because he brought it up to me didn't mean he was ready to do something about it. I brough up the subject of alcohol as well as the job, depression, etc and got really brief yes/no type responses. I asked if he's sure the job was ruined and he said he thought so, I asked if he would consider having a heart-to-heart with his boss and he said it wouldn't help. When I brought up going to AA, he didn't really give an answer at all, avoiding telling me yes I'll try it or no I won't.
My wife said she was able to talk to him about things this morning, they watched tv a while as I slept off the tail end of a cold. She told him how important it was for an addict to get help, etc etc and offered our support.
I think what it comes down to is that he's not ready, he's not there yet. I don't think the thoughts of suicide are prevalent at the moment but of course that could change. As far as the depression, we have tried to, and continue to try, to schedule things to give him something to look forward to. This does seem to work especially since we're his only friends that aren't regular drinkers (and we already knew not to drink with him even before his admission to me). That's about it for now, I'm tired from the weekend... I'll go back and read these responses more thoroughly and I may reply with some more questions and comments. Thanks.
Most alcoholics don't have the guts to commit suicide. When they have trouble raising the courage to go to an AA meeting, how are they going to manage ending their life. Mostly that's just a "feel sorry for me" plea. If an alcoholic told me that they were thinking of suicide, I'd say lets go to a shrink right now, or I don't want to hear about it again. Alcoholics are big time manipulators, Bit Time! He just needs the straight talk and the don't call me until you're ready to get help speech and then some time alone. He'll either sink or swim. But if he decides to sink, you can toss him a truck load of life preservers and you'll just prolong the process.
The boundary that people who wish to help need to set for themselves is that you can't care more than they do, and you can't do it for them. If you ask them if they would like to go and get some help and they say no, then cut them lose. Desperation creates willingness.
Hi Hydrilla, I want you to know that you are planting seeds as you speak to your friend and when he is down and out feeling like he could die he will have those to think of. I know for me when people would tell me about my drinking and all you are doing it helped me in the long run so do not think that what you say is wasted.
And also the depression comes from the drinking. It affects our central nervous system and creates depression big time. So if he were to stop drinking it would alleviate that. What it boils down to is he needs to get sober and all of those things will go away and especially if he works a program.
But now for you. YOU and your wife have done all you can and the best way to help him is to disengage and let him make it. Tough love is needed now. And YOU need to take care of you. You can start to get so taken up that you will take away peace in your life.
If need be go to Al Anon and learn how to disengage and take your wife so you both can have your life without being affected by his dis-ease.
I feel it is time for you both to let him go. It is the best thing you can do for him right now. And for yourselves.
He is lucky to have such wonderful friends. But do not let him take advantage of you. As a matter of fact if you take his burden on it gives him more power to drink. He needs the burden on his shoulders totally to feel it. Do not keep carrying it for him.
If he comes to you for help then support him but let him do it himself. He will end up resenting you and you him if you do not do so. Take care. You are great friends to have! Rosie
An update here is long overdue, I frankly forgot about this post until I got a reminder email today asking me to visit the forum. Lots to update about my friend.
A few short months after I posted here, my friend got his 2nd DUI in as many years. He was involved in a fender bender on the way to work, thankfully nobody was hurt. Even though it was the morning, there was easily enough alcohol in his bloodstream from the night before for the DUI. This event "did it", finally.
He had the good fortune to have help from his folks to go to a live-in rehab out of state for a month, where he tells me he addressed the core reasons for the drinking which was depression. He lost his license for a year but amazingly didn't lose his job. He moved closer to work so he could walk/bike, got on an exercise program, got involved with a local AA chapter, and to my knowledge has been doing great ever since.
The changes are very obvious- weight loss, not missing or being late to planned events, and lots of other things. During the year he was without his license, I made sure I was available to hang out often and of course I didn't mind doing the picking up/dropping off deal. He is driving now and very thankful. I know it's technically too early to call this one a happy ending, but my friend is well on his way, and I am very proud.
Yup, some of need to get banged in the head a few times before we can get off our duffs and save our own lives (or allow them to be saved).
Thanks for the update--it was an upper for me!
Glad to hear it! I am thankful for the nice folks here that helped me when I originally posted. There are some good people on this forum, and I won't hesitate to refer anyone here that might need help, either first hand or in a situation like I was in. God bless you all.
