I really love this Board, thanks to everyone who posts, I havent posted much, but I do read a lot.Tonight when I signed on I was a little wound up because I have been spending a lot of time on the net posting my profile and looking at profiles on internet dating sites.And as soon as I started reading the posts from KLT and Scott I felt a great peacefulness just cover me like a warm blanket.
I really got a lot from the posts about dating and codependency. Thanks to KLT and Scott for bring it up and thanks to everyone for sharing their ES&H.
I really identified with Dolls sharing:
Q: How can you tell when 2 AA's are on a 2nd date?
A: The UHaul's in the driveway!
I have always been 'independent' when it came to jobs, home, finances, etc child, didn't need a soul to help with those things or help me make decisions.... BUT, matters of the heart were a completely different story. I was someone who needed someone else so badly I'd take whatever they dished out.....wasn't until getting honest and AA that I realized it's b/c I'm co-dependent
I have been greatly helped by Deans sharing:
#1 Codependents tend to move from stranger to committed love in a weekend#2 I wouldn't bring my recovery up at all for awhile unless asked. There is no shame in being a recovering person. I've been congratulated by everyone that has ever know about my continued abstinence. Usually they start making comments about their own drinking such as "I only drink occasionally..." when I interrupt them and say that I have no problem with other people drinking and that if I could safely have a drink a few times a year that I probably would (truth is that I wouldn't , I like being sober, I just that to put them at ease). When someone asks me I just tell them that I have an allergy to alcohol and that I just can't drink it at all. That is received very well and kindly.
After years of coming and going from AA, I finally surrendered March 27, 2007, since then I had a spiritual awakening, and, it really has gotten better and better, even though I never thought life, could be any where near, this good.
In order to get sober, I chose to end an unhealthy relationship.I was absolutely terrified of being alone.But I knew that I wanted to get sober and my boyfriend told me he didnt want to stop using, and that he didnt want to live with someone in recovery.
It was really hard, I was still in love with him, or what I thought was love, anyway, its a long story, thanks to the program, and friends of support, I have survived the heart-ache, loneliness and come through to really experience more good days than bad.This program is amazing!I followed the suggestion of the AA program and did not date for 12 months.After 14 months, I decided, I am ready to date, but I live on this really small island with about 2,000 people.So after looking around and realizing that most everyone is either drinking, married, or really into religion, I went on the internet.
I was really getting confused until I checked in here and read your posts, thanks again to everyone.I trust in Gods time, when I am truly ready, I will attract a healthy love. Thanks for letting me share.
I, too, ended a relationship of 5 yrs, just 2 weeks ago (we met via internet). It wasn't 'unhealthy' but it wasn't the 'kind' of relationship I want or deserve, and it had become exhausting.......Tough to do and I am grieving the loss, but I know today *God has a plan and I trust that.
Good for you on going to 'any length'.
Thanks for sharing. And glad to see you posting.
(((hugs))
-- Edited by Doll at 06:01, 2008-08-14
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks Doll, for sharing, big hugs for you, i can only imagine some of the feelings you may be experiencing as you transition in to a new place, what a brave step you have taken. Like, yourself, I am continuing to trust my Higher Power that all will work out.
My recent internet experiences have highlighted my still strong co-dependency issues. Doll would you have any ES& H on internet "dating"? If you don't want to go there i understand, maybe someone else has something to share, I never bothered with the net, until 2 months ago, so i'm curious what others may wish to share. Thanks, Deb
Doll would you have any ES& H on internet "dating"?
I guess my "E" would be that I 'kissed a lot of frogs' & had a lot of 1 time dates. Met some real whacko's and learned what the term 'some are sicker than others' meant before I even got to AA.
My "S" would be after about 6 months I met John. He was not like any man I'd ever met. He is kind and genuinely caring. He is full of integrity, something I'd never known a man could possess. I know today that *God put him in my life to get me to AA and to love me until I could love myself. We had 5 wonderful years together. Not always easy, but the good has outweighed the bad by far.
As for my "H". Well, I hope *God does have a plan for me. That I will meet the man of my dreams when He thinks it's time. He will put that man in my path. As I, personally, will not be doing anymore internet dating.
Definately be careful. Always meet them in a public place. Let someone know where you'll be and who you'll be with. Have a friend or family member phone you during the 'date', this will let the guy know that someone knows where you are.......
(((hugs)))
Jen
*of my understanding
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Jen, thanks so much for your share, i really appreciate it. Because i am on island 180 miles east of Florida, i haven't had the opportunity to go out on any real live dates, but i value what you said about alot of frogs and 1 time dates, because it shows me how internet dating can pan out when you do live within driveable distance to possible matches. I have written to 3 or 4 men and i've learned alot about myself just having that experience. So thats been helpful.
Certainly, the God(of my understanding) I do trust and continue to have faith that i am worthy of a new love. This will all happen when my Higher Power decides it's the right time for me. Not My Way, His Way, this all just another reminder. After reading the posts last night i had decided i was getting the message to just back off on the internet date surfing for awhile. Thanks for letting me share....Deb
Hi I am sober for two years now, and it quit difficult to find relationships as they know that I am alcoholic. But I hope that one day God will guide me over my Higher power to A nice and healthy relation. Hopefully somebody out or in the fellowship. To share our experience. And to understand. But better sober alone than drinking and with others. Odaat Jo
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No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living
now.
some great places to meet potential people to date would be engaging in club ativities, sporting or hobbies, that have clubs or service groups civics clubs and volunteer organizations (the Jaycess...) or churches. Taking some classes at the community college, joining a gym.
Making friends with people of the same sex sometimes leads to introductions to their friends (you can't just stay home and dream lol). It's also cool to look up old friends from High School and go to re-unions etc..
Most of all be proud of your sobriety. Let people like you for who you are and later they will appreciate that fact that you just don't drink. It's not a big deal. It's just our old way of thinking telling us that "everybody drinks and we're different". These days most people don't drink. I married to one
I quess my experience has been different in that once I got tired of doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results (of course), I decided to not date for awhile. Then, much to my surprise, as I continued working the steps I quit having that need for another person. It has been years since I have even been on a date. Sometimes, I wonder if I changed too much, but today I am perfectly happy just the way that I am, single with lots of wonderful friends.
I used to hate that part in Step 12 in the 12 & 12 where it talks about those who are single having more time to be of service. I was so self-centered that I wanted to have my own "wants" met rather than seeing where I could contribute. Now, I get tremendous joy out of being of service, not just in the Program but in many areas of my life. And, it is true that I am able to do that because I am single, my children are grown.
The fact that I am truly happy now shows me once again that I really do not know what is right for me. I had always thought being married or in a committed relationship was what I had to have to be happy. But, happiness comes from doing whatever is God's will for me, and I am glad I finally figured that out. I still think it would be lovely to meet the right person and have a relationship that has God in the middle. But, whether that ever happens or not is not relevant to my peace of mind and happiness.
wel im first off al happy also, i have excelent friends in and arround AA. So i do not complain at all. Its just that I like to stay in this circle, outside its not accepted to be a recovering alcoholic. This is Holland Europe and people see us as loosers, whic isnt treu at all you know that so do I. But I visit also international conventions maybe i have to that more, and that Some day I will meet somebody. But as it is its also OK, but you know what I mean I think.
Odaat
Jo
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No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living
now.
