Hi All, I am going to post each day and talk about how things are going.
Today I got up to dishes I had not done for a few days and things to do. I always hate it when I have drank and not taken care of myself, my finances and my home.
I see so much damage in all those areas and know that when I am sober I excel and feel so much more at peace. It all goes hand in hand.
I am going over to my sons house today to meet with my daughter in law to teach them how to do up budgets and look at interest rates etc for their budget.
I have been the ever faithful codependent with my three sons and have backed off from all that in the past year due to survival instincts kicking in for me in that area.
I had loaned out money this past week and realize I was getting in over my head again so I called my son and explained my situation and told him I would teach him how to fish but he had to do the catching.
They have done so much better without my help and I see the results of appreciation they have now of simple things in life and of each other if I just keep out of it and not enable.
It has been hard to find a fine line in this but I have come along ways. And happy to oblige my knowledge of finances. I have the knowledge and use it for myself and do well enough but I over spend when I drink.
I am still not feeling so good but my middle son came over and has an appointment for counseling and we ate breakfast together. It was nice. He is very ill with kidney disease and got word last week that his kidneys are worse. So they upped his meds and they make him very sick.
My youngest son is getting ready for college and hopefully will have his BA this next June. I am proud of all my sons and my grand children and daughter in law.
I waver between the counter dependent and codependent. I either am there doing all kinds of things or I am totally not. I have to find a peaceful happy medium. One thing of putting down the alcohol is I can gain strength in those areas also.
I had an appointment with a counselor I saw for four years who helped me in so many ways and to stay sober and I was so hung over yesterday morning that I cancelled it feeling no hope to stay sober or get over my ex and the abuse.
I looked for help for my alcoholism on the net and found you all and read most all day long. It helped me so much and gave me hope again. But now I have the cancelled appointment so I need to call him and hopefully he will see me again.
I know one major thing I have is post traumatic stress and I use alcohol to cope with that and also for panic attacks but that all only gets worse as I drink. Drinking is not good for anything at all. It is adding fuel to the fire and it all gets out of control and so does my life.
I am a very lucky person to now own my home since June 30th. And to have great health and so much in my life. My family and wonderful opportunities that I need to live instead of in this state of madness with the alcohol.
I know that isolation is the worst thing I can do. Being alone is nice and to gain serenity on one level but to isolate is different. And that will create boredom and lonliness that feeds the addictive state I can so easily fall into.
I have to do up my housework and then take a shower and go to my sons home to do something positive. And I get to play with my grandkids today also. I look forward to this today. I am truly blessed and I need to humble myself to it all.
Thank you for this forum and the posts I have received. I have hope and the feeling of the monkey being put at bay off my back is such a freeing feeling. Rosie
Thanks for keep coming back and sharing with us all about how you are doing. I can totally relate to how you feel about everything being in a mess when you have been drinking. I was a binge drinker and the last few months of my drinking the binges could last for days. I wouldnt even know what day it was, i thought it was still the day i had started drinking. I would end up in bed for days afterwards so poorly that even lifting my head off the pillow made me wretch and i physically had to crawl to the toilet. When after a few days i could make it down the stairs, I would cry at the state of my house. It would look like I had had a party in here with broken glass everywhere and red wine spilt all over the floor and furniture all over the place. I drank alone on most occassions. I would be so depressed about it that I would head straight back to bed for another few days. Then when i started feeling better, i would clean it all up and say never again but because i was feeling better, i would end up drinking again that day, just one bottle this time i thought but no, it would all happen again. The unmanageability of it was awful.
I can go to bed now and leave pots on the side knowing that in the morning i will feel upto doing it.
On the financial side though, i spend a lot more when im sober because I eat. I would only eat possibly 2 meals a week when i was drinking whereby now I love my food and make sure that I eat properly each day.
I love AA and wouldnt have got sober or stay sober one day at a time without this programme and as you have read my other posts about co dependancy and counterdependency, you will know that I am much a loner and really prefer to be in my own company but I also know that this is not good for me and the disease of alcoholism will try and get back in my head if I spend too much time alone. Cunning, baffling and powerful and bloody hell it is. It creeps up on us when we least expect it and when those thoughts start I head straight for a meeting which is what I did this afternoon because my head wasnt in a good place at all.
Please keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing as you have done so far.
Hi KLT, Yes it is so hard to have everything messed up in all areas. I feel so much better when I am not hung over and if I start to drink while trying to do things I do not get too far. And I put off doing what needs to be done like the grocery store and I spend money and then get depressed because that was money that could have paid bills and bought the food.
I feel better today and have gotten a lot from this forum already. Your post helps me so much. I am glad you got a meeting today. It really does help and I understand that very much. I hope you are doing better.
I just got home from sitting down and doing a budget with my daughter in law and showing her about interest rates etc. It was nice and I saw my grandkids and son also. Very nice day. I was there for about 8 hrs doing the budget and had supper.
