A follow on from the "I have a date" post. Questions

KLT · Senior Member

A follow on from the "I have a date" post. Questions

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-preamble.php

http://www.codependents.org/foundation-docs-patterns.php

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

while we're looking at codependency, here's an explanation of "counterdepency".

"Classic counterdependent behavior focuses completely on the self and builds huge walls to keep others out. It is hard for those of us who exhibit classically 'counterdependent' behavior patterns to even consider that we may be codependent. We have lived our lives trying to prove that we don't need others, that we are independent and strong. The counterdependent is the other extreme of the spectrum. If our behavior patterns have been primarily counterdependent it means that we were wounded so badly in childhood that in order to survive we had to convince ourselves that we don't need other people, that it is never safe to get close to other people. "

http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/codependent3.htm

This deffition fits my father pretty well and I believe that I could never have a close relationship with him because of it. This I believe set me up to seek out people that were unavailable to me and discard the ones that were, which is a prescription for failure and pain in relationships. The only way I found, to get out of this trap, was to avoid people that I was really attracted to (since I always chose the wrong ones weirdface

) and learn to love the ones that I respected and who happened to love me. Hard to do because my low self esteem would tell me that if they were attracted to me, there must be something wrong with them. It took a lot of positive affirmations to get by that. wink

Doll · MIP Old Timer

I have always been 'independent' when it came to jobs, home, finances, etc child, didn't need a soul to help with those things or help me make decisions.... BUT, matters of the heart were a completely different story. I was someone who needed someone else so badly I'd take whatever they dished out.....wasn't until getting honest and AA that I realized it's b/c I'm co-dependent!

And I REALLY identified with this one.......

http://www.abandonment.net/abando.anon.html

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Q: How can you tell when 2 AA's are on a 2nd date?

A: The UHaul's in the driveway!

KLT · Senior Member

Thank you for all your replies and OH MY GOSH, Dean that link to the description of counterdependancy, thats me to a tea, that has helped me so much to understand why I feel the way I do, thank you so much. I thought I was just odd. Well i probably am actually but hey:)

I love my own company and dont really fully trust anybody. This is definately something that I need to get help with. I just thought I wasnt the relationship type, whatever that is but when I think about it, I am rather distant from everybody and dont feel very comfy when im with people.

The other thing that I didnt realise is, I was in a relationship for a short time, again on and off with a violent man and yes, I people pleased to keep the peace and was very unhappy all the time.

Co-dependant and counterdependant both seem to fit the bill for me. I learn something new every day and thank God this situation with this man came up otherwise I may never have learnt what was wrong. It is true that everything happens for a reason isnt it. My head is totally battered now. Heres me thinking that it was just my alcoholism that I needed to work on.

Thank you all and God bless.

Rosie · Senior Member

Hi KLT, I am so glad you posted about this because it fits me also in the counter dependent when not in a relationship and then codependent when I am.

I went the majority of 20 yrs alone after about a 9 yr marriage that ended in divorce.

We codependents like that will feel we are so independent and can not understand when we get so hooked on pleasing and giving ourselves up to someone once we are in the relationship with them. And I myself also picked a man who was totally unavailable and abusive.

I feel we do what we know and have developed "tools" to be in those kind of relationships and do not know how to be in ones where it is basically healthy. We have never really learned how to be.

I know I have learned and know a lot about these things but to put them in place has been hard and even when I work on myself to be healthy within a sick relationship it is still not enough. It is a matter to get out of them especially if the other person is not willing to get well also.

I feel that the man was a gift to you in one sense but it raises concern for me for you that you do not know this man at all. The net does not allow that. And also being counterdependent and feeling like you do may give you a sense of safety where you can interact with someone but not really and the computers being between you create a false sense of security in dealing with someone.

I do not feel it is safe to meet people over the net for a relationship. I make friends with women on forums and do talk on the phone to some but after a long time of getting to know them and even then I am careful.

Just be careful with this.

Your post has helped me a lot. Thank you Rosie

jonijoni1 · MIP Old Timer

wow!! Counterdependency........ I sure am interested in this concept... yet another thing that prevents me from feeling unique!! Thanks, Dean