Hi All, I am an alcoholic and have been in an abusive relationship with a sex addict for 8 yrs. We broke up five months ago in March and he moved to Florida. I live in Vermont. I have not had any word from him at all since March.
His abuse was nonstop. Verbal, emotional and physical. I became house bound after being a very outgoing and productive person. I am a mother of three grown boys and four grandchildren.
It is extremely painful due to him blaming me for the problems in the relationship. I had not drank for a few years and was getting counseling and going to college to finish my BA in psych.
Last year he had left me to go to Florida for two months. He said it was to sexualize people. He came back and we went to a retreat that cost $3300 for help with his addiction and the abuse.
He got worse though with lies and his addiction. I gave up and quit counseling and all that was healthy. I went down hill fast in drinking and because of that I lost myself more and have had a hard time to get myself strong again.
He has been gone for five months and I thought I would be okay by now and no drinking but I am drinking a lot and feel stuck in a rut. I am disabled now and even though I keep my home clean and my yard done up I just exist and end up lonely and drinking.
The pain it causes over my ex is to the extreme when I do and I end up missing him. This is all crazy!
I had done AA in the past here in Vermont but my sponsor had told people my business and it never seemed to work for me. But the Alcohol counseling along with another great counselor I had for four years helped me to stay sober. And other support that I had.
I was so strong and I did extremely well in school with a 4.0 grade average taking five courses each semester. And even in the midst of his craziness I would still do well. He was in a domestic violence group and they said they did not know how I could do so well with him abusing me.
But it all got to me last spring and I gave up. The things he told me that he did when in Florida last spring with his sex addiction was the last straw plus he got very cruel after he came back.
I now have a huge problem and need help to get back on track again. This is a great forum and I hope to utilize it and to gain back strength.
Howdy Rosie. Some of us are a bugger for punishment eh? :)
From your post...you mention how councelling kept you sober for a number of days... But in the end? The bottom line is...It didnt continue to keep you sober...
You mention that AA wasnt working for you and that you had a gossip sponsor..
I just have one suggestion...
Try about 365 AA meetings over the next year...find a sponsor that you can trust...and instead of letting AA work you? You work AA.
As for the ex boyfreind?
Im sure that you deserve better.
Welcome to MIP.
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Live each day as if it were your last...because tomorrow?
It might be.
Welcome to MIP, Rosie. I'm glad you're taking the courage to deal with your own problems now head on. I can see that you've been through a tremendous amount with your expartner though you've been humble in the amount you've said about what you've experienced. I related to your post & identified with having an abusive expartner. Mine was sick & needed recovery. He was very nice at times too & had alot of good intentions but when he was bad he was mean & he stripped down any self esteem I thought I could have. It was as if he could shred it off me & then give me it back.
I hated him for this & wanted to have my own self respect but I know today I couldn't have any self respect because of the way I was drinking. My behaviour & attitudes in drink were unnacceptable too as I could be flirtatious &/or lack boundaries. This left me vulnerable to someone like my ex who was jealous, angry & controlling. This may not be true for you. It's what helps me not to blame myself but to see that often I put myself into a position to be hurt. Simply put, he had his own sickness to deal with & I had mine but I couldn't focus on mine while I was looking at his.
I don't & can't blame him today for anything that went on. Even with his bad behaviour I see that as his own inventory for himself to think about & it's not my responsibility (not that it ever was but then that's what used to cause crap between us with us both being obsessed with the other perosn's inventory whether right or wrong, it was a no win situation) It was only when I came to AA that I really began to just look at my own part in what has happened in my life & this is helpful as it's the only part I can do anything with to change. There's amends if appropriate I can make later but right now I'm just looking at me.
I know today that I didn't need any excuses to drink. I just did & my allergic appetite was fuelled by an obsession for the stuff. I thought drinking was the normal thing that everyone did & that I was in control of it. If I was in control of it then why did it keep on happening? I could later ask myself when the obsession had been lifted. I was in denial before & thought I could always justify or excuse a drink. I feel like I got out early from where my drinking could have taken me now. I recognise today that when I take a drink it incurrs a craving & I want more. It affects my thoughts & the obsession returns so today I choose not to take that first drink & to work these steps to keep me busy & learning about me.
I know today that I'm not an alcoholic as a result of anything that I've experienced but because of my own physical reaction to the stuff. I just always wanted more & my head would give me tonnes of reasons & excuses to justify taking that next drink.
I'm really sorry you've been through what you have, Rosie. It sounds like you've had an awful time yet at the same time have really managed to do well in spite of this. You deserve lots more success in yourself too & I hope abstinance brings for you what it's doing for me. Self respect, self love, self care, self esteem. You do deserve a better partner. Right now you're free & can concentrate on yourself. It's 'natural' to miss an ex you've been through so much with & have obvoulsy hoped that things would improve. You're well out of it now & looking towards making a better future for yourself. Even your children are older & can look more after themselves. Your time is now. Today. And I hope you seize it, Rosie.. 1Day@aTime!
Try some new meetings, make some new friends, look forward to putting some old problems behind you. There is a good life after alcohol. Better than you've possibly ever hoped for. That's what I'm finding & I have a beautiful new relationship today with someone who is constantly growing & looking at themselves with the help of their own program. It's nice to be in a healthy relationship. I couldn't have this if I didn't have the help of AA teaching me how to deal with myself, with others & with him. I didn't have very much confidence before at all. I know I can ask for help today, where to get it & how to use it.
I hope you keep coming back & sharing where you're upto with us, Rosie. This is only a snippet of one story. There's lots here I hope you can relate with. We're in this together to help each other overcome our common problem, to stay sober & help others to achieve sobriety. God bless, Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Been there. Done that. I've had TWO abusive husbands ~
OK. The way I see it, your mind is out to get your ass. So, don't let it! The guy has been gone for 5 months, grieve the loss, count your blessings and get on with living.
Try some other AA meetings, different times, different days. Observe and listen to the women. Talk to them & other people. Get to know folks. Then you'll be able to find the sponsor that you trust and is right for you. Sometimes it takes going through a few.
Take it one day at the time. Sounds as if you don't do 'something' instead of getting on with living, you'll be getting on with dieing. Don't let this guy and booze win! Just don't. Take a stand and do what you need to help yourself. Please.
You're in my prayers, girl.
Peace and ((((hugs)))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Yes the counseling for the 4 years straight did help me very much. I was strong and when I stopped doing it I went down hill fast with the drinking.
I know AA is the way to go and I need to find meetings and people who I can trust. I know the life of sobriety and the strengths I have living a sober life. I remember that nothing could get me down when I was sober and working a program.
The things that bother me while drinking lift the moment I feel hope to never drink again. The monkey gets pushed off and I feel free. I like that feeling.
I know boredom and lonliness are two evils also. I tend to isolate due to drinking and then get bored and lonely. A vicious cycle. And all that is healthy goes out the window.
Being sober opens life up to me and to others who I miss. Thank you all for your posts. Rosie
Well done on facing things. That is a brave step and I admire you so much. I was in an abusive relationship many years ago and I refused to face things until a lot of damage had been done.
I would suggest going to lots of different meetings and just listening. Get to know the women who are there and then I'm sure that you'll find a wonderful sponsor whom you'll be able to completely trust.
As Jen said 'Don't let this guy and booze win'. You're worth so much more than that.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? We're all here for you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Welcome to the board Rosie. Eventually we learn that we don't have to keep repeating the self destructive patterns that mirror our childhood. But we can't even began to get a handle on those issues till be make some space for ourselves, and get away from mood altering substances and events (Get clean and sober). Dysfunctional relationships fall into that catagory. We have to stay out of them for awhile, while we grow up, figure out who we are, learn to love ourselves and how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others.
Hi Dean, Yes you are right about destructive patterns that mirror our childhood. My parents are alcoholics. My Dad died in 1990 and had been sober for 25 yrs when he died but it was from the damage to his organs from alcohol for all the years he did drink.
And my Mom had been sober for about 27 yrs when Dad died and she started to drink to cope and she went down hill fast. But Mom rallied around a couple of years later and met a nice man at church and did well it seemed but come to find out she was drinking and did so for about 5 yrs while they traveled all over the world.
But while in Ireland she drank some real hard liquor and blacked out. The next morning her husband sat looking at her very sad as she woke up and she decided to take the Irish Pledge and has not drank for 9 yrs.
She chose not to go to AA and also when she stopped for the 27 yrs before. And my Dad had not used it either for the 25 yrs he stopped. Mom uses her faith and prayers to stay sober and she works on being a better person each day in other ways.
I started drinking when I was 27 yrs old for about a year after a breakup from an 9 yr marriage and two sons. I drank a year and then just stopped on my own for a few years. No help at all and no desire to drink.
I know I am a binge drinker. I attended AA at times and it did help me to not feel like I wanted to drink and gave relief. But I could never find anyone to really be there for me to do the steps or that I ever trusted to do them.
I tried many many many times to do so. It was starting to hurt me more so I got sober through counseling and also going to the Drug and Alcohol counseling. Plus an intensive alcohol group for almost a year. I attended the first two for 4 yrs and I was very strong even in the abuse.
When I stopped just as someone giving up AA that works for them I went down hill without help.
I have to make a plan to stay sober and for what works for me. And to reach out.
As far as relationships I was single for the majority of 20 yrs when I met this man. And I am okay to not get into one. After the abuse he inflicted upon me I am not interested in getting in with someone at all.
I take responsibility for my reactions to him and his abuse. But I also see the manipulations on his part and how he was bound to gain power over me. When I finally gave up after 7 yrs of it he gained full power for himself and I went down for the count.
I feel though that I knew it was the end and I needed to stop fighting and let it happen. I feel also that there is never a problem without a gift and the gift was that I pushed it to end in my own way. Not the best way and I wish I had not drank to do it.
And I am still affected in a negative way for doing that instead of when I was strong last Feb of 07 I should have let it go then. In other words I hurt myself to end it and wish I had not done it that way.
I feel like I played into his hands for his power fix.
I know I can regain myself and to come out of this in a healthy way. I see many things that are rusty but I can pick those back up with help and start to live again.
Please do not take offense to my feelings about AA. I understand all about it. More than you all know. This is a process for me and not an event as I have read here.
Hi Rosie Loved reading your post and the great responses to it.
I have almost 10 months sobriety now and life is so very good. Im beginning to like me and make the necessary changes that are making me healthier. I too have been around AA before. Not for me, but with my husband. Had a totally different attitude about AA in the past, almost thought it was cultish and not at all for me. Once I got willing to look and me and accept that I was an alcoholic, I had a whole new outlook on what AA has to offer. Try the others suggestions. Hit some meetings, take what you need and give it a chance. Sounds like you are ready to help "you" without all the other chaos in your life. Grab hold, let the miracle begin!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hi lani, Thank you for your post. It is encouraging to read all the posts and yours also is helping me to regain my senses.
I understand the feelings about AA. One of my brothers stopped drinking a few years ago and is an airline pilot who travels all over the country and internationally and he never misses one day of getting to a meeting no matter where he is.
He has a sponsor at his home base and does very well. I have another brother who stopped drinking about 22 yrs ago and he never attended AA and uses faith and other methods of health to not drink like my parents. He is very happy and spiritual and extremely productive.
He is in the Air Guard and he has been to Iraq a couple of times and had many things in his life happen that is hard at times but he is very steadfast and handles it all with much grace and health.
So I see both sides and feel that what works is what works to stay sober. I am not for or against what anyone does to stay sober. I feel AA is a wonderful place and it has helped so many many people.
I may as you say lani go to AA at some point and time. I do utilize the books and the principles in my quest to stay sober.
