I have finally met someone who can see me through the thin outerwrapping that encompasses myself. Someone who is willing to take a chance on me again.
She knows I am in recovery. My question is this. I am not very willing to lay the whole story on my sleeve for her to digest on a first date. I think that would be inappropriate. At the same time I am not ashamed, nor do I have anything to hide. After all, she does know I'm in recovery. I don't think she will push the topic.
Any pointers or suggestions to a nervous, but thankful man if the topic of recovery does come up ? I haven't dated for about 16 years, but there is a certain sense of 'naturalness' I feel when talking with her. What would define an acceptable limit to the topic, or is it impossible to quantify it ? Am I putting way too much thought into this, instead of actually just having fun ?
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I'm proud to say I am an Alcoholic, and my name is Scott.
If the plan for me is divinely inspired, no man shall find fault with where I am today, or how I got here.
Best advice, don't try and get married on the first date I wouldn't bring my recovery up at all for awhile unless asked. There is no shame in being a recovering person. I've been congratulated by everyone that has ever know about my continued abstinence. Usually they start making comments about their own drinking such as "I only drink occasionally..." when I interupt them and say that I have no problem with other people drinking and that if I could safely have a drink a few times a year that I probably would (truth is that I wouldn't , I like being sober, I just that to put them at ease). When someone asks me I just tell them that I have an alergy to alcohol and that I just can't drink it at all. That is received very well and kindly.
I'm going to break tradition here a little and talk about my experience dating as a codependent. It's a tendency for us to try and form relationships very quickly, skipping over several levels of intimacy namely Acquaintance, Companionship, and Friendship and moving straight toward Love. A couple of the ways that this is mishandled (I've done it over and over) is by spending too much time with the person in the first days, weeks, months and telling our life's story on the first and/or second date with the intention of bonding more quickly. It should take a lifetime to tell a life's story.
here's a couple deffinitons from the Claudia Black seminar I attended in '90:
Acquaintance- someone who has been formally properly introduced to you (otherwise they are known as strangers lol). This a person that you might bump into infrequently at your place of work, worship, meeting etc... No one on one time is spent.
Companion- this is an acquaintance that you've seen a few times and might have decided to get to know them a little better through a mutual interest, such as a meeting or event that you both probably would have gone to anyway, and you agree to meet there for there as companions.
Friendship- this would be a companion that you've thru experience of a few get togethers that may possible qualify for becoming a friend. This is not automatically granted and must earned thru careful observation. The difference between a friend and companion is that friends agree to get together (without expectations!) to share their time to get to know each other better and the distinction is that friends will agree to meet up for a purpose that is less important then the friendship, whereas companionship the focus of meeting up is the shared interest in the event. The test for this is would I be hanging out with this person if it wasn't for the shared interest. In my case that might be people that I ride motorcycles with or meet at football games. Our commoradary and shared enthusiasm at the events feels ljke friendship but it really isn't.
Lover- this would be a friend that we've spent considerable time with, getting to know them, watching handle a variety of situations and learning that their views, interests, backrounds were compatible with ours leading to a limited committment. Beyond on that would be "Committed love" - marriage etc...
Codependents tend to move from stranger to committed love in a weekend
Thanks for your honesty & asking, Mstrmsn. That's a great explanation, Dean :) I have to say that I enjoyed how my acquaintance with my current boyfriend changed from this to friendship to our now loving status. We shared lots of time in each others company before it became romantic & it developed into that from a mutally shared condition of acceptance of one another. Also, I have remembered that he is not my sponsor & that there are many details in my emotional & thought life that are to be shared with close females so that I don't have any burning urge to offload the pressure of them onto my Boyf.
This continued support in fellowship means that I'm not depending on giving it all to one person & it helps me to develop more intimate boundaries at an even pace. This way I can share more of the fruits of what I'm learning rather than doing all the work I have to do on me with this one person so alleviating my tendency towards codependency. It still moved pretty fast once we knew we wanted to be together but tis progress not perfection, right! Lucky for me I have fellowship & a program to keep me grounded & not too continuingly rushing in! I'm also glad he has his own Higher Power too & doesn't rely on me for everything he could possibly want in life!
So, that all said, good luck in your date Mstrmsn. If it's meant to be you won't have to rush into anything, take your time & follow your instincts. If you have any reservations about saying anything, keep it with you, it can be said later as you get to know each other & can guage responses better. Remember, it's the water held back by the dam that lights up the city ;) Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Good luck on your date! And as the old slogans say" Take it easy, one day at a time.......
Let us know how it went and remember to keep on working on you! Youve come a long way and the change is a good thing. She or whoever will see that, and appreciate who you are today. Let your actions tell the story!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
