Hi All -- I just found this forum and signed up. I'm an AA retread now approaching 11 years of continuous sobriety. I guess I'll introduce myself by sharing a few thoughts
I drank my way to AA. I drank too much, too often, for too long.In the end I was no longer drinking to have fun, relax, or be sociable.I was drinking to stay well.On page 30 our book uses the phrase pitiful and incomprehensible demor-alization. Here's what that means to me.Toward the end of my drinking there was a time when I used to get up in the morning and promise myself,I would eat breakfast before I drank anything, but I couldnt do it.For me, that was much worse than peeing my pants in public, getting locked up in Detox, or losing two wives to King Alcohol.A man of my obvious strength, character, and superior intelligence ought to be able to manage a bowl of cheerios and a slice of toast!I couldnt do it.Id sit there with snakes in my belly, feeling like I was going to puke any second, and just fiddle around with my cereal and toast.Eventually I would give in, get up, and get a beer.One bottle of beer rarely got me well enough to eat, but after two I could usually function on a more or less even keel.The problem here is that once an alcoholic ingests any amount of alcohol, the alcohol itself creates an insatiable craving for more alcohol.Consequently, by the end of the day I was usually knee crawlin, commode huggin drunk, and ready to pass out somewhere.Now do you see what just happened here?All I wanted to do was eat a bowl of cheerios, and I ended up drunk.Somewhere along the way I learned a definition of powerlessness that I really like.Powerless means unable to achieve the desired result.When you start out to eat a bowl of cheerios, getting drunk is not the desired result.Therefore, I have to conclude that I was powerless over alcohol.By the time I got to the place where I could no longer manage a bowl of cheerios, it was relatively easy to concede to my inner most self that I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable.That was my problem.Alcoholics Anonymous gave me the solution.Reach out to a power greater than myself that would restore me to sanity.In the beginning I had a problem dealing with the idea that I was less than sane, but before too long, I came to an understanding of what I thought was my insanity.However, I was wrong.For many years, in sobriety, I had a near total misunderstanding of alcoholic insanity.The big book says, The main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind.I looked at statements like that and thought, okay, Im bat shit crazy.I fight with cops, I climb telephone poles at 3:00 AM, I bit a guys finger off one time.No problem: I get it; Im nuts.However, alcoholic insanity has nothing to do with all the crazy, stupid, mean, and immoral stuff I did when I was drunk.My behavior was the product of extreme intoxication.If you pour the same amount of alcohol into a normal drinker, and if he or she can still stand up, theyre behavior may very well be just as bazaar as the alcoholics. The term alcoholic insanity is a very specific term that some of our literature uses to describe my mental obsession with destructive drinking.Alcoholic insanity is the insane notion that, in spite of all the evidence, it would be okay for me to take a drink.The restoration to sanity was the elimination of the mental obsession that led me to the first drink.Theres an interesting statement in The Chapter to the Wives that touches on the problem and the solution.It says simply, Either God has relieved the obsession, or He has not.So, my problem was a mental obsession with destructive drinking, coupled with an allergic reaction to alcohol.The obsession drove me to the first drink.As soon as I took a drink, I had an allergic reaction to the alcohol, and the craving kicked in.The solution was to invite a higher power into my life, and ask him to relieve the obsession.I arrived in AA with a concept of God suitable for an 8 year old Sunday school child.Fortunately for me our book is right when it says our own conception of God, no matter how inadequate, is good enough to make a beginning.No one ask me to get a degree in theology or become a master of metaphysics.What they told me was as soon as a man can say that he does believe, or that he is willing to believe, we emphatically ensure him that he is on his way.(Thats on page 47 of our book.)So, I grabbed hold of this childish and inadequate concept of God, and hung on for dear life.One of the things I understood very early in my AA experience is that turning my will and my life over to the care of whatever God I think might exist involves a lot more than just quoting a simple prayer out of the book.It involved action.As the book says, I had to launch out on a course of vigorous action.In other words, I had to work the rest of the steps.It took me over 8 years, and one extremely brutal relapse, to even begin to understand step 4.My first 4th step was a 31 page autobiographical drunk-o-logue.The scary part of that is that people around me, even some with lots of years of sobriety, thought that first 4th step was just fine.It was not fine.It was an autobiographical drunk-o-logue, not an adequate 4th step.A little over 10 years ago, with the help of a good sponsor, I did a 4th step the right way for the first time.Doing it the right way was actually much easier than what I did in the past.I only had to look at 4 areas of my life; resentments, fear, finances, and sexual relations.Based on my own experience, I honestly believe that any person who is willing to take a hard look at those four areas of life, and then do a 5th step based on his or her findings, is going to get rid of 90% of the crap were carrying when we come into AA.For me, the most important statement about step 5 in all of AA literature is on page 72 of The Big Book.It says; If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.Remember me?Left to my own devices, I cant manage to eat a bowl of cheerios without getting drunk!Statements like you may not overcome drinking scared the crap out of me.So, I did what I was told to do, and discussed the defects of character I found in step 4 with another human being.Years ago step 6 baffled me.I could not figure out what it would mean to actually work step 6.Then an old timer pointed out some really basic stuff to me.In the Big Book step 6 is only two paragraphs long.According to the book, working it takes one hour.The old timer pointed out that the big book ask me to spend an hour reviewing my work with steps 4 and 5, and if I was satisfied with it, and willing to let go of the garbage those steps revealed, I was done with step 6, and ready to move on to step 7.Ive always found step 7 to be something of a paradox.The actual working of the step was incredibly easy.I just prayed a short prayer.Immediately after the prayer, the book says, We have then completed step seven.Completed, finished, Im done working it.However, making so much as a small dent in the shortcomings I ask God to remove from me took years.It has been an ongoing process. I have to look for progress not perfection.I think I can sum up my experience with the old saying; I may not be what I should be, but thank God, Im not what I used to be.Then of course when I applied my keen alcoholic intellect to step 8, I managed to produce a state of near total confusion.Once again an old timer saved my bacon by suggesting I read the instructions.Thank God AA comes with instructions, and old timers who understand them.The instruction manual points out that we already have a list of people we have harmed, and to whom we are willing to make amends.I made the list when I did my inventory.This is another case of the AA program working a hell of a lot better than my program.My program is complex, convoluted, and complicated.It requires profound thought and deep philosophical insight.It will also get me drunk.The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a simple program of action that keeps me sober.Action at that point meant making some amends wherever possible unless it may harm another person.I have to admit I had it pretty easy in this area.I needed to make amends to an ex-wife, her kids, my parents, and a few others.By some miracle the damage I did to anyone other than myself was fairly limited.The one amends that I am the most grateful for is with my father.We were on the outs for a good many years.He was a rotten father, and I was a crappy son.Several years before he passed away we both reached out to the other.We ended up going on a camping trip together, and to make a long story short, by the time he passed away our relationship was quite good.My ex-wife falls on the other end of the spectrum.She used my desire to make amends to run rough shod right over the top of me.I didnt really realize that until quite a few years after the fact.At the time that this stuff was going on, if I would have listened to the old timers around me, it wouldnt have happened.So thats the Readers Digest condensed version of my experience with the first 9 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.Steps 10, 11, and 12 are sometimes called the maintenance steps.I think that is a bit of a misnomer, because doing most of the work required by the first 9 only takes a few months at the outside. With the help of God and The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous Ill spend the rest of my life growing through the practice of the last three.
Welcome to MIP, Boo. Thanks for sharing so much of your ES&H with us. I really took alot from it & love how specific you've managed to get down to in your details. I'm 2yrs since my first AA meeting & 22mths sober. I'm revisiting Step4 with a different sponsor to see if I can be more honest, fearless & thorough. I'm looking forward to getting much work done & to glean a Step 8 list. I feel like I'm a little in purgatory as I have a really good basic knowledge of the program & I've studied the literature often but I don't think it will be real until I've put all this faith into works & stepping into the reality of facing others I have or may have harmed is probably about as real as one can get.
I've noticed alot of talk about amends in meetings lately & Step groups seem to be falling upon this topic many times too. I think I'm being told that I'm nearly ready! I just want to grow up & get on with the rest of my life now. I don't want to sit in any inactivity. There comes a point where procrastination does more harm than good & I'm happy that the fog has begun to clear for me & I'm beginning to find more consistant peace as I have a happiness & love that is founded in my Higher Power today. It's taken me awhile to get here but I'm told it's a process & not an event. I'm a work in progress.
I've dilly dallied about & gone the long & confused way around I think but I don't actually mind right now as I feel I have been following God's plans for me & I have come through so much. I'm ready to surrender & work this program again as is suggested. I do take an awfully long time to learn. That's why I'm glad that Oldtimers come back & keep telling me the same things time & time again & helping me to understand the Big Book deeper & deeper. Thank God for this program & Thank God for you being here too. I hope you keep coming back with more shares like this. Thanks, Boo :) Daniella x Ps. My Boyfriend Carl is into his maintenance steps now after working hard throughout his first year of sobriety. He calls them the Growth Steps too just as you've said here. Maintenance sounds a bit boring, doesn't it! lol Happy Sober Day x
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 21:43, 2008-08-11
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks Boo for sharing and putting it in a simple manner.
It does work if we are willing to work it!!!! I have heard so many people share that the reason they "went back out" was because they werent WORKING the steps. Going though the motions perhaps but not following the simple directions!!! Thank you and keep coming back!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome Boo!!!! SO glad you are here, carrying and sharing your own experience, strength and hope.
Those "last 3" definitely are the maintenance of the first 9 throughout our lives.... so very easy to slack on, at that!! I need people like you and my other friends here to help me REMEMBER that my recovery starts here with me and my God, and AA, but it MUST flow out into the rest of my life and roles.
Thank you so much for a share I very much needed and enjoyed tonight!!
Joni
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~Your Higher Power has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.
What an awesome story! I really liked the part where you stated, "I may not be what I should be, but thank God, I'm not what I use to be." I only have two days sober....I too, am a 're-tread." I was using alcohol to avoid the discomfort of the with drawl symptoms-what a mistake! As we alcoholics know, it's that first drink that kills us, because its not our last. thank you for this posting! Rebecaa, alcoholic in Texas
