A few months ago I met someone and since I have totally fallen head over heels for him. I met him while on vacation through my brother. We instantly clicked and it felt like we had known each other for years. I live 2,000 miles away from him but we have managed to keep a long distance relationship. I have even been back to visit him.
I knew he was a heavy drinker when I met him but at the time I really didnt know the extent of his drinking. As time went on he opened up to me and told me he was an alcoholic. His work actually held and intervention for him and told him that in order for him to keep his job he would have to go to rehab. He didnt know what to think of it at the time but said that if all these people cared that much about him and his boss was willing put his neck on the line for him then maybe he should listen. He entered rehab almost 3 weeks ago.
He is 37 years old and has been a severe alcoholic for the last 10 years of his life. Within the first week of rehab he was dead set on never drinking again and still is. He is working the steps hard and doing everything and anything this place is offering him to help him get his life back. He even went out this past Sunday and got his sobriety date tattooed on him, his very first tattoo. I am so proud him!
Im a 26 college student and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. I do go out once a week with my friends and have some drinks. Im a responsible adult and have a very good handle on my life. My drinking recently came up in one of your conversations. I was the one to bring it up because I needed to know how he felt. I was concerned how my drinking would affect him and if it was going to hinder his treatment. He told me that he is the one with the problem and not me. A few days after we had this talk I could tell he was upset that I had gone out the night before. I asked him again how he felt. He told me that he wasnt sure if my drinking was going to be a trigger for him or if he would be able to handle it later on. He said that he would just have to learn to deal with it but if he could he said "if you really love me then you would stop drinking completely." I feel extremely selfish saying this but I told him I wasnt sure if I could make that commitment to him. We have only know each other a short period of time.
Our conversation ended there and the next day I could tell he was upset but he didnt want to talk to me about it. The following day he called and I really had some concerns. I was concerned how our relationship was going to affect him, not just that fact that I occasionally drink but that our relationship is so new and his sobriety is so new. I was concerned that if things got rocky or things didnt work out that it could be a possible trigger for him. Then this is what he said "ever since we had that talk the other night I have really been slacking on my forth step, Ive been really down, and withdrawaling from the other members and at group meetings". I told him that I didnt want to make that kind of impact on his life and I said I love you and goodbye.
We talked for the first time tonight since that happened three days ago. He still wants us to work on things and he still wants a relationship with me. He swears that relapse will not be a part of his recovery and he is willing to fight for us.
Also I am his only support system outside of rehab. His entire family and all of his friends are all full blown alcoholics. He has absolutely no one to talk to. I have been there every day for him and have supported him since the day he decided to enter rehab. I support him 100% on his decision to stay clean and sober the rest of his life.
So here are my questions:
Am I being selfish for not wanting to quit drinking?
Is it a good idea for me to keep this relationship going?
Am I going to be a negative impact in his recovery?
I love this man and I do not want to be a negative influence in his life.
Am I being selfish for not wanting to quit drinking
Maybe not, but drinking weekly would not fall under the catogory of "occasional drinker". An ocassional drinkier drinks on or at several ocassions a year such as weddings, new years eve, 4th of July... perhaps 3-6 times a year. You described your drinking as weekly, which would come under the catogory of "regular drinker" or "weekend warrior". Most of us started out that way.
Is it a good idea for me to keep this relationship going?
Hard to say, but probably not. He's already having problems with the thought of keeping sober and your drinking. Chances of him staying sober while he watches you drink are slim to none.
Am I going to be a negative impact in his recovery?
Adding on to the above, It's extremely important for an AA beginer to focus on themself to affect a change in themself, so that they won't need to drink. Relationships (new ones anyway) are discouraged in the first year as they are a major distraction and cause emotinal upheavel (because alcoholics aren't generally equipted to deal with relationships) that most often leads to relapse.
I love this man and I do not want to be a negative influence in his life.
If you love him why would it be so hard for you to not drink? You sorta answered this above with your comment- "we've only known each other a short time" in defense of your drinking. It appears that drinking is more important to you than you think, and appartently more important than him at this point. It's also no coincedence that you are so attracted to an alcoholic. Does anyone in your family have a drinking problem, like one of parents?
It is commendable that your concern for him brought you hear for answers and shows responsibility on your part. Pardon my directness, I hope that it has had it's intended affect. It's probable that if he's been sharing, in the rehab, about yours and his new and long distance relationship, that it's been recommended for him to let you go.
"Hard to say, but probably not. He's already having problems with the thought of keeping sober and your drinking. Chances of him staying sober while he watches you drink are slim to none."
I dont talk to him if I have been drinking and I would never go around him if Ive had a drink. But I feel the same way that him knowing I am out and what I am doing will have a negative impact.
"Adding on to the above, It's extremely important for an AA beginer to focus on themself to affect a change in themself, so that they won't need to drink. Relationships (new ones anyway) are discouraged in the first year as they are a major distraction and cause emotinal upheavel (because alcoholics aren't generally equipted to deal with relationships) that most often leads to relapse."
Exactly what I have told him. I have had other friends who have been through rehab and they all agree that even though our relationship started before he entered rehab its still to new and too soon for him. Thats why I told him goodbye the other night. He left so many messages on my phone about how I was his only support and it killed me. He said he couldnt be "just friends" because it would hurt to much. I almost feel like Im damned if I do Im damned if I dont.
"If you love him why would it be so hard for you to not drink? You sorta answered this above with your comment- "we've only known each other a short time" in defense of your drinking. It appears that drinking is more important to you than you think, and appartently more important than him at this point. It's also no coincedence that you are so attracted to an alcoholic. Does anyone in your family have a drinking problem, like one of parents?"
Its not so much the alcohol as it is the socializing I think. I spent 8 years with an alcoholic/drug addict and I never used during this time. I never went out and never had any friends. I was too busy trying to fix his life. I guess now Im afriad of giving up too much for another person. Maybe because most of them have all let me down.
My father is an alcoholic, my mother a recovering addict, my sister a addict. A good amount of people in my life family, friends, and boyfriends have been addicts.
I just dont know what to do. I want to be able to live my life. Im tired of always having to give up something or scrafice something to only be let down in the end. But its hurts so bad to let him go. I can stand the pain but I cant stand knowing he is in pain.
"I just dont know what to do. I want to be able to live my life. Im tired of always having to give up something or scrafice something to only be let down in the end. But its hurts so bad to let him go. I can stand the pain but I cant stand knowing he is in pain.
Am I screwed up or what?"
No not at all. You did the right thing, he has to get sober for himself and the best way to do that is to do it by himself. Alcoholics will make enablers out of anybody, they are big time manipulators. A 37 year old should be able to handle any problem that life throws at them on their own two feet emotionally. Trouble is that alcoholics stop growing emotionally about the same time that they started drinking. When I finally surrendered to this wonderful program at age 29, I was about 13 years old emotionally. 19 years later I'm probably at about 25 lol.
good luck with that. hopefully it'll be an upbeat group. I've only attended a few alanon meetings and most of the members were boo hooing about "their alcoholic". I enjoyed going to coda meetings much better and they did me a world of good. I miss my coda meetings in VA that I left behind. My FL town doesn't seem to be able to support a good coda group.
I just got back. It didnt seem like a boohoo group but there was only 4 other people. they seemed very inviting but i dont know.....it just felt weird to me. maybe ill be more comfortable with it in time.
Welcome to MIP, Alaina. Timing sucks, hey! I feel for you that you've met someone you feel you've clicked with at such a crucial point in his life. I'm sure you've had some beautiful times & loving moments together. Speaking from my own experience of one who is an alcoholic & somebody who first came into recovery having been half of a sick relationship with an addict I feel I can share with you that it wasn't good for me to continue that relationship. We met active in our addictions. I didn't realise at that time that I was an alcoholic. I thought my problem was that I drank too much/ often/ 'foolish' when drunk. etc.
I'm not implying this for you. I'm speaking for myself as someone who needed desperately to recover from the dependencies I was involved with, one being him & the other being the substance. When I first came to AA I came in curiosity thinking I'd already licked my drink problem. It had caused problems in all of my relationships & with my last one I reached a painful rockbottom which helped me to quit. What really was happening was that even though I'd quit for myself on a deeper level I'd quit for him too. I was reliant on his support & while I had his life line I wasn't relying on the best source for my recovery which was AA.
I slipped several times soon after beginning meetings & I didn't know I wasn't working it hard enough. Incidentally, this became an even longer distance relationship too. Initially we were London & Liverpool apart then he went to Stockholm to get on with recovery too. He kept using whilst he was here & hadn't been attending meetings regularly at all (read no recovery whatsoever only a glaring awareness of his problem).
The thing I found in this relationship was that it took so much energy & effort to pour any investment into us that it did detract from my focus & what I was needing to learn about myself in AA. When he withdrew his support after my last slip I had no choice but to fall down & learn how to depend on the help AA had to offer. Before then I was compromised & didn't want to depend solely on AA for help. My pride, denial & arrogance was looming large. When he took away his support, my desperation proved to help my commitment & I began to plant both feet in recovery *Do or Die* & make the effort to get well & do what was suggested.
We got back together & I visited him a further few times but our flaws & defects got us into further conflict with each other. There were old resentments, which for the moment maybe you don't have many but also the problem for us was that neither of us knew how to own our parts in our interactions & that's where alot of our codependencies came in. In my own needs & selfishness I wanted this from him & that. In his sickness he was bitter & jealous too. It was just awful really & it got harder & harder. All our so complicated defects kept getting in the way & cuz I was in the middle of it I often couldn't see the woods for the trees. I eventually needed to get myself back to myself so that I could take an honest look at me without the fear of being controlled or manipulated by someone else.
In the end, after 15 gruelling months, we let go & put recovery first. I always hoped that this meant we'd both get well & then when we were ready we could get back together but now I can see just how sick we were & why I wouldn't ever want to go back there again. I spent the next 14mths single, concentrating on me & eventually I fell in love with someone who had been a beautiful friend in the fellowship. We'd known each other for 7/8mths & there had been a mutual respect from the start with no angle or selfishnesses from either of us. He'd expressed a care but not in a pursuant way & I'd kept a distance knowing I had to take care of me first & that to become involved with anyone would only have distracted me.
I can't speak for you but I know recovery was easier for me when I only had myself to think about. Being alone helped me to grow strong in ways that I'd never have been able to do whilst I was with someone. If it came to it & I was single again tomorrow, I know I'd be ok cuz I've worked hard to develop my own Higher Power & it isn't my partner! It's an amazing experience to be in a relationsip now as one & with one who practices hard at each of own programs without demanding of the other.
I didn't know how to function in any healthy way in a relationship before. I was too needy, confused, selfish & ignorant. I'm glad I took that time out to work on me. I'm a better person for it & no one I'm with should have to work harder cuz I'm not working hard enough myself. I know how to get the strength I need now so that I can share the best of myself with a partner. I don't know if these are things your current partner can offer you. He's so many changes to go through & it would be a shame if some of them he couldn't make because of being anchored to you.
You both might make it work one way or another but do you know if it's worth it right now? It could get worse if he's built recovery depending on you & expects you not to drink. Why should you have to change if you haven't got that problem? Why is it so important to you to be of such support to someone? I don't feel it's healthy for him to depend upon you for his stability. If anything changes & he slips he may use you as an excuse for it & fail to look honestly & fearlessly at his own defects & shortcomings. It was my own own defects & shortcomings that led to my drunks. I can blame no one else for them.
I don't know if anything I've shared has been of any use for you. I hope I haven't been overly forthright in any opinions. I can only speak from how I found it to be & what I learned myself. I've been listening in meetings for some time now & still have so much to learn. I've heard it said to avoid relationships for even the first 2yrs of sobriety. I broke up from my ex 4mths away from my last drink & then got with my current love 14mths later which made me 18mths (He was 8mths but had been doing about 21 meets a week & regular sponsorship since he started!)
It's not about time at the end of the day. We only have today 1Day@aTime. I hope you do what's right for you, Alaina. You'll know in your heart what's right for you & no one else can tell you. We're simply here to share our own experience, strength & hope that maybe someone else who wants it may be helped. Good luck in your journey. With support, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
"He's so many changes to go through & it would be a shame if some of them he couldn't make because of being anchored to you."
That is my biggest fear. I do not want to make this any harder for him. I have tried to do everything I can to supprot him but he sometimes makes me feel like it isnt enough. I feel like I have to be very careful about what I say and do with him. Like Im walking on eggshells. Ive been through so much and Im going through a lot at the moment as well that I dont think I can carry the weight of this. Im not the most mentally stable person at the moment. Not only am I dealing with his addiction but my younger sisters crack addiction as well. I feel like I cant even turn to him for support. One reason being I feel guilty because he is going through so much and also every time I do try to open up to him he always turn the convo into something about him and doesnt let me speak.
"You both might make it work one way or another but do you know if it's worth it right now?"
If I could say I know in the end this is going to work.........I would so be worth it! But I dont know if it will.
"It could get worse if he's built recovery depending on you & expects you not to drink. Why should you have to change if you haven't got that problem?"
I feel so guilty about this. I feel like I should quit drinking but Ive given up so much already and Ive given up so much in the past for other bfs that I feel like this is MY time to live MY life!
"Why is it so important to you to be of such support to someone?"
Ive always had this need in me. If I meet someone who doesnt "need" me I dont feel like Im worth anything. This is a major problem in my life and one of the reason I have been attending alanon meetings.
"I don't feel it's healthy for him to depend upon you for his stability. If anything changes & he slips he may use you as an excuse for it & fail to look honestly & fearlessly at his own defects & shortcomings. It was my own own defects & shortcomings that led to my drunks. I can blame no one else for them."
I totally agree!!!!!
I dont know how this is going to work or even if it will. I have a lot to think about.
Ive always had this need in me. If I meet someone who doesnt "need" me I dont feel like Im worth anything. This is a major problem in my life and one of the reason I have been attending alanon meetings.
Keep attending those Alanon meetings. If you don't address the underlying issues that drive you to be a caretaker, you will continue to seek out unhealthy relationships.
It wasn't so long ago that if you had talked to me, you would have gotten the impression that God had died and left me in charge of fixing everyone! I'm not only a recovering alkie, but a recovering codependent.
As far as him having no support outside of rehab, that is bunk. I did NOT have the support of my family when I first got sobber, and when I called my mom from rehab to let her know where I was, the first words out of her mouth were 'You don't need to be in there with those kinds of people!"
AA is universal, and if he wants to stay sober, he will do what it takes to stay sober. His recovery does NOT depend on you.
Again, please continue to attend Alanon and really start to take a look at your beliefs/patterns and work towards a healthier you.
I repeated the same thing over and over and over for 13 years after I got sober, hooking up with the wrong men.
Once I addressed the issues that drove me to do that, my life definitely improved immensely.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
