I didn't see a thread for introductions so I hope this is okay here. I wanted to find some online support and this looks like a great place for it.
I recently relapsed pretty badly. That's really an understatement. I've had this drinking problem for a long time and decided on my own that I needed help back in October of 2006. My problem really hit home the next day when my good friend, who also happened to be my sister's boyfriend, was hit and killed by a drunk driver. I went into a two week day program and after that was over I felt on top of the world. I didn't feel that I need any more help. My friend who has 20+ years of sobriety would always congratulate me but constantly tell me I need AA. I couldn't do this on my own and I would NEED AA. I always said, "Nah, I'll be fine! Look I'm 2 months sober!" Then I got up to 3, then 4... and I got all the way up to 8 before my first relapse. After that I've been drinking on and off sporadically. I've never had another huge area of sobriety. This past weekend was enough to make me seek out help again. I started seeing my therapits again and I got back into the two week program. I'm just heading out the door now to go to an AA meeting. I HAVE to do this. I know that now. I could lose my job, my girlfriend, my friends, everything I have. I also know that there is a deeper root to my drinking problem. I have some problems with my self esteem (or lack there of) and with just being unhappy in general. I need to start loving myself and loving life in general.
I hope this was okay to post here and thanks to everyone who made it the whole way through this =)
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Welcome to MIP. Yep, you posting this right here is just fine......I'm Jennifer, Alcoholic.
The most valuable thing my sponsor ever told me "You never have to drink again. You may CHOOSE to, but you never HAVE to."
Congrats on your gift of a new start.
I personally can not stay sober without AA, working the steps and my sponsor. I tried many times. I could GET sober, just couldn't STAY that way. But, AA is teaching me how one day at the time.
Welcome to the life boat, I'm so glad you're here.
(hugs)
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Welcome to MIP, Jason. It took some time to realise but my deep rooted problem is that simply put ~ I'm an Alcoholic. I thought I might have drank for many reasons.. Resentments, fears, pride, happiness, joy, escape, imagination but when it comes down to it.. The reason why I drank is because I am an Alcoholic. That means yes all of the above were good 'excuses' for me to drink but at the end of the day whenever I did it set off the phenomena of craving. Mostly the mental obsession for me where I thought about my next drink until I had it & then when I took that first drink I wanted more. It was also the case that in drink I couldn't guarantee my behaviour which would leave me vulnerable to shame, guilt & remorse for the things I did which would not help my self esteem either.
For me, drinking was a complete lack of investment in my life. It was my occupation, my favourite past time, my method of letting go & pretty much it kept me on a merry-go-round. I got off quite early at the age of 29 before any physical afflictions set in & I stopped 'by myself' initially but really only through an immense amount of pain as it had got me into an unhealthy relationship with another dysfunctional person (who really was a reflection of where I was at) & our mutually sick interaction wasn't helped by my various ways of acting out or vulnerabilities after a drink. Basically, I'd have no boundaries & this would cause a lot of upset for myself & all my earlier boyfriends. I liked attention & didn't know how to behave in an exclusive & faithful manner. I also did not always know how to look after & protect myself from other drunken wankers. I was a contradiction & at my worst I was manipulative, wanted everything my own way & didn't like to ackowledge the validity of my close one's feelings for fear of them over riding my own.
So.. I thought I had my drink problem licked. I had my reasons for stopping. Drinking was ruining my life & I thought this was all I needed to protect me from the first drink. I was 2mths sober when I first attended AA & I went in curiosity. I was willing to listen & learn but at that point I didn't think that I NEEDED IT! I went to my first meeting on the Monday & took a drink on the Friday! That was a surprise & it happened another three times every other week in between the fortnightly Monday meetings I was attending. I didn't know at that time that I had so much to learn that meetings would have to be a lot more often if I truly wanted to learn how to stay away from that first drink 1Day@aTime.
As it happened, I realised on 1st Oct 2006 after my 4th slip that something was amiss & that despite the breaks between slips I wasn't actually sober. That there was something seriously wrong with my thinking that I had continued to 'fall into' drinking again so I snapped through my selfwill, humbled myself enough to ask for help & began to go to meetings 3,4,5 times a week & chose a Sponsor. From then to today I have been helped to stay sober 1Day@aTime.
It's been hard & taken many miracles & wall hurdling but with my commitment & my desire not to drink I have done whatever it has taken to stay sober. There have been times I have been desperate & really didn't know what to do. I'd never lived without a drink before but I have made so many friends in the Fellowship of AA that at one time or another someone has always reached out to me & helped me through my worst hours of need. I've self doubted, I've been angry, I've been hurting, I've been stubborn & made many many mistakes but all the while I have had loving hands holding mine & telling me that they understood & that life would get better if I kept moving one foot in front of the other.
I could not have done this on my own. How could I? By my own power I was nothing. Not in a defeatist or self hating kind of way but in a surrendering & acknowledging that especially as afar as alcohol was concerned as my default I would have always wanted to go back to it. AA has been a power greater than me that has helped fulfill me in my powerlessness & as a part of it I've even been able to help others. That's an amazingly beautiful thing & how it all works. Sobriety can be hard work but as I've heard, believe & have experienced ~ the wages are good.
At 20mths I'm still in early recovery & I'm learning how to practice a program. I have had so much to learn but the 12steps of AA are teaching me how to cope in a very difficult world without having to drink. I needed an alternative. I needed to learn some discipline. I've needed to learn about who I am, where I've come from, what I've done, take responsibility for myself & learn how to get on better with others. When I put the drink down I really haven't liked what I've seen in me but I'm learning today that that's even more to do with my tendency to negative thinking which is another part of my alcoholism that I'm learning to be watchful for. It does feel good to grow in all of these new ways though! My drinking was only ever going to get worse. Without it my life & I will get better.
Life will get better for you too, JJay. You're in the right place & AA will love you like it's loved me while we're learning how to love ourselves. The first most loving & enduring thing I have done for myself if nothing else at all as an Alcoholic is not to pick up that first drink & come to meetings. The longer I stay away from that drink the more a chance I have to fulfill everything else I've wanted to do with my life. It has begun with that first step.
I wish you the best of love & luck in your journey, Jason. Like me, we're no longer alone. I hope you keep coming back & sharing where you're upto in your new beginnings, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Welcome to MIP. There really are some super people here and I love this board. I do hope that you'll stay around.
When I started back with AA, after my relapse, my self-esteem was an at all time low. I, too, needed to start to be able to love myself and life. AA has given me that gift and my life is so very much better than it was.
Someone shared at a meeting last night that they had been given the 'gift of desperation' when they came to AA and that is exactly how I feel. I was desperate enough to do everything that was suggested to me and I haven't looked back. Life really does keep getting better for this alcoholic.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Welcome JJ What a great board we have here and you'll find lots of encouragment and friendship! Good job accepting the fact that you need help! It does get better! One day at a time!!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. They really mean a lot.
At last night's meeting it was the first time I actually spoke up. I introduced myself as a newcomer. I went up and got my 24 hour chip and I stayed around afterwards and talked to a few people and got some numbers. I'm a very outgoing and open person but for some reason I've always been intimidated by AA.
Thanks again everyone =)
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Today will be my 12th day sober. I'm having a little bit of a rough time though. My emotions are still all over the place. Up one second, down the next. It's making me exhausted. I know one of the reasons I have this anxiety is 'cause I'm going back to work on Tuesday and I'm extremely nervous about that.
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Well done in your twelve days, JJ.. That's Awesome! You're coming on strong one day at a time. Stay close in the fellowship & keep sharing & talking. There will be members who can & will encourage you remembering how it is when we first stop. Every day is a learning experience & new for us. Though it is hard, enjoy your adventure & keep thanking whatever you feel is looking after you for helping you each day. This gratitude will keep your spirits up too. Work will be a new challenge again but one that will help you grow too. Keep things simple.. Easy does it.. You're not on your own! Keep coming back & sharing here too, JJ, we help each other. Knowing you're out there doing your best & doing whatever it takes to stay sober is helping me too. Keep up the good work & thanks again for being here, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
