some things lost forever ?

eugene · Member

some things lost forever ?

BGG · Senior Member

Wow, Eugene, that's a tough one. I'm not sure what the legal drinking age is where you are, but I think you are right to be concerned, particularly if these kids are not of legal drinking age. I have not been in your shoes, so I hesitate to even try to give advice, but my thoughts are: 1. Read "The Family Afterward" to try to get yourself centered; 2. Call your sponsor; 3. See what your sponsor says about how you might approach your wife, tell her that you know that you caused pain in the family with your drinking and are not trying to "take over the house" but have concerns not only for your own kids, but the other kids who are there and drinking. If any of these kids drove to your home for the party, I would try to ensure that none of those drinking get behind the wheel when leaving. Hope this helps; my prayers are with you.

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Wow Eugene,
I think that I'd be very disappointed in my wife for people pleasing those kids. If I decided not to intervien, I'd deffinately not be in the house for a number of reasons. First off, your wife is breaking the law (and I wouldn't want to be a party to that offense), even if she had the other parents permission. God forbid one of those kids drives drunk (or impaired) and has an accident because it's not legal for them to drink, any amount of alcohol in their system is illegal for driving. Second it's not particularly good, for anyone's program, to sit around a place where a group of people are drinking and feel left out. And third I wouldn't want to give the appearence of condoning that decision/behavior. That's just my feelings, not a critisizm or directive by any means.

edit: I forgot that you're in South Africa. Are minors allowed to drink there? I know that in England (and Germany) the drinking age is around 16. Here in the USA it's 21, hence the comments about legalities.

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 23:58, 2008-06-15

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Woe! Unacceptable on sooo many levels.... Praying no one is hurt or killed & that none of the other parents cause problems.......Here in SC, you will serve major time for such an act.

Best of luck.

beachgirl · Senior Member

Being an alcoholic and having made mistakes does not mean you must forever relinquish the opportunity to demonstrate good judgement again. I agree with what's been said- you have a right to be concerned. Beach Girl

Dave Harm · Senior Member

When the whole family is not involved in recovery a lot of "screwy" things can happen. My ex-wife and kids hated me when I was drunk, yet when I sobered up they did everything in their power to sabbotage my recovery.

The lifestyle they knew, even though quite dysfunctional, provided an insane comfort. When I was drunk there were some "unwritten" rules.

With sobriety, even though they knew it was for the best, they had no idea of what to do or how to behave.

That's why they wanted me drunk again. Eventually it led to our divorce. As much as my ex wanted it to be just my problem - the truth is - it's a family problem.

Try and find some Al-anon meetings in your area. Than start going from there. Best of luck, Dave

Creating Dreams, from the nightmares of hell...

lani · MIP Old Timer

I absolutely agree with Doll! But...changed my post because it was lovingly pointed out to me that my opinion was a little fierce...Apologize profusely!
Best of luck to you Eugene!

Sorry if I offended....

-- Edited by lani at 08:32, 2008-06-16

meng · Newbie

That's a tough situation. I don't see how you it is acceptable to have alcohol in your house as you are in recovery and alcoholism is all over your family. And these are teenagers drinking. Something is wrong. Talk to other alcoholics. Talk to your sponsor if you have one. If not, get a sponsor quick. But most importantly I think you should bring the subject up in the household.

eugene · Member

Thanks All !
Your advise and comments really helped. The legal age for drinking in this country is 18, but its not really enforced. The legal ramifications you guys correctly pointed out never even occured to me - and I'm a lawyer!!
Fortunately you can get a drivers licence only @ 18, and that is enforced, so the kids didn't drive, their parents dropped and fetched them. One worry less, I supose.
My wife refuses to consider ALANON. She was in ALATEEN as a teenager and almost "grew up" in the AA as her dad was in ( and often out ) of the fellowship. She experiences AA very ambivalently. On the one hand she aknowleges that its the one thing that keeps alcoholics sober and is "positive" about it. On the other hand she experiences anything to do with AA as traumatic as it brings back very painfull memories for her.
She is vehemently opposed to alcolism being a disease and her view is that those who drink alcoholically choose to do so.
Inasmuch as I the alcoholic had that great obsession to somehow drink normally, I think she perhaps has the obsession to have a home and children that are "normal" as far as alcohol is concerned. Regretably I can never share that with her as it will be completely misunderstood.
When we got married I didn't drink at all and I did her an incredible cruelty in becoming an alcoholic. I have made amends to her and can do no more other than staying sober one day at a time. This I am doing not for her or the kids, but for myself.

turninggrey · MIP Old Timer

Hey Eugene
How did it work out? Sorry I got here so late. I think next time this is about to happen, I would call the cops in advance and tell them to come have a talk with your wife before the party starts. One thing to think about is that as we recover, and we come back to "normal" society, our friends and family still may be stuck in the same "groove" of abnormal or illegal activity. Potheads work together to conceal illegal drug use. Alcoholics work together to conceal illegal drunk driving. It all starts to seem like "normal" behavior. Your family is the same way. When you were drinking, you may have allowed the family behavior to slide over the edge to seem "cool" to your kids and wife. They got used to that as normal. Now that you are sober, you recognize how wrong it is and how it can harm your kids. I suggest courage. I suggest the courage it will take to look "uncool". Take a stand. I swear to you, your family will thank you later. If you haven't been much of a leader to this point, it's not too late. Being sober is a new beginning, which means you can "clean up" items of your life that were in dissaray before. Being a parent puts you into a leadership position. You really can not abdicate that position.
Good Luck,
Tom

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Eugene,
your second post explains everything.

" I think she perhaps has the obsession to have a home and children that are "normal" as far as alcohol is concerned."

There is much discussion about the family of an alcoholic being in denial about the disease as well. Your wife is obviously missing the genetic component of this family disease, as she's written it off as a lack of will power. Hopefully someone can appeal to her mothering side about the genetic issues. If her father was/is and alcoholic and so are you, then the children have a good chance (50% maybe) of having this disease. I realize that she's not listening but perhaps she will read. Consider buying this book ("on the family" by John Bradshaw) and have it mailed to her. Available at amazon.com $8us, it's a fantastic book that explains the multi-generational aspects of the disease complete with family system roles, rules ect... For instance it's no coisidence that she has an alcoholic for a father and a husband.