It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER. -- Codependent No More
I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us. t will be self-defeating.
We may be "the one" all right - the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a set up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will."
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
wow.... had some relationships like that, and so glad that has passed. Tough place to be in, that CODA thing. Sucks!!
Seems like the more I started taking careof me, the better it felt. There IS a "happy medium" in relationships. I am finally finding mine in my marriage. I wish and hope this for all my friends and acquaintances.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I can totally relate to that one!!! Took me 22 yrs but am getting to that "happy medium!!!!" Couldnt have done it with AA, and the help of others! Helps too that Ive finally grown up a bit!!!!! Wow, the drama me and hubby used to go thru! Dont miss that!!!
Have to say this is almost the best times of our lives together!!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
The above sounds exactly like my last relationship. I was an emotional mess & flattered that he 'saw these things' in me but on another level I was offended that someone else believed themselves to be the one to tell me, believe in me, change my life because they loved me. That was so annoying & not really what I wanted in a relationship but I was so emotionally weak that really I couldn't help but be vulnerably placed in a position to be hurt. I had no Higher Power or real surrendering self determination as is now revealed to me through this power..
My alcoholism eroded my identity & replaced it with feeling I was a loser that was going nowhere, with so little confidence & faith. I was on a path from & to despair & that left me wide open to someone who needed to concentrate on someone else's problems rather than looking at their own. AA taught me to look at me, take painful & humble responsibility for myself & develop my guts & autonomy through healthier dependencies. Having a relationship now where I'm overjoyed to be able to look after myself & share the joys of that with him is another gift in recovery. Getting sober was the first step towards this. What a springboard. Thanks for sharing this wisdom with me, Daniella x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
