Good Afternoon My Friends,,,, This passage is taken from Step Six in our AA 12 And 12, Self righteous anger can also be very enjoyable in a preverse way we can actually take satisfaction from the fact that many people annoy us for it brings a comfortable feeling of superority. gossip barbed with our anger a polite form of character assassination has its satisfactions for us to here we are not trying to help those we critasize we are trying to proclaim our own righteousness.
This passage stands out to me right now because i can see and hear myself being this way as well i can see alot of denial coming out in me. how i see this behaviour is, i am being self rightously angry because as well as being a recovering boozer and a drug addict i also suffer from the eating disorder of bulemia. my friend is getting mad at me because she can see the pattern of my bulemia becoming active because of the fact that i have only eaten two meals in the last three days. she pointed it out to me and as she did i became angry with her yelling at her that my life, and my eating habits, are none of her bizzness. i became angry because she was putting my disorder right out there for me to see. i suddenly got all self-righteous about it by telling her that id thank her very much to stay out of my problems and that maybe she should pay more attention to her own problems. i know shes pointing it out to me because she cares about me, she loves me, she only wants the best for me, and that she is concered about my health. but yet i could hear myself screaming inside my head i dont need you to point out what i can allready see and what i allready know!!! so today i have prayed to my higher power and i have turned this issue over to him. i am gratefull that my friend cares enough about me to point out when she sees me doing something that is so very dangerous to my life, and to my general overall health. i have asked my hp to be with me, and to guide me in this issue. my hp tells me gently Serenity you need to stop keeping everything that you feel to yourself its unhealthy for you phyiscaly, mentaly, and emotionaly. so today i am putting it out there that i am feeling that for some reason i need to hurt Serenity i dont know why? but as my sponsor allways tells me why is not important just except the fact that it just is!!! and concentrate on what am i going to do about it? and i have done a few things i have prayed about it, i have turned it over, i have admitted to it, i have talked to my sponsor about it, and i am shareing it with all of you. i am putting my feelings out there, and most of all i am being honest about it!!!
Serenity, today is my 7th day of sobriety; I've been a practicing alcoholic for 28 years, but never was able to see it until this last Monday, when I had a severe alcohol withdrawal. I was driving my wife to a hospital appointment and almost lost it while I was driving. I detox'd for two days and am trying to get a seat in a rehab program. The reason I feel for you today is that for the first two days of attending AA meetings, I was very positive, I finally admitted I was powerless over alcohol and was ready to let my higher power take over my life for good. Last night was my first good night of sleep for about a week; when I don't drink, it takes a while for the sleep pattern to return. The reason I'm writing to you today is that I feel ANGRY today right now; it started Friday morning around 1:00 a.m., out of the blue. I was telling my monther, wife, and children how I would now be o.k. that I could finally face my addiction. You see, I am also a born again Christian, and I don't know why, but I was thinking about how I had backslid, and right at that moment, I had given up all hope again that I could make it. I've been to meetings everynight, but today I'm still feeling like before; spouting off at the mouth at my wife, hating myself, all the things I did when I was drinking. So, don't feel bad, find strength in knowing that you're not the only one. Just do what you can to go one day at a time; at least, keep telling yourself that. It is going to be a long road, and I know that if I go back to my old ways again, I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull myself out of that deep hole. Be strong, and don't suppress your feelings. You can be assured I understand you.
This little statement is one of my personal motivators. There is a part of me that can never forget the angry self-righteous drunk who ran through the world, convinced that everyone else has robbed me of EVERYTHING. I believed my habitat (home) had been invaded and my territory (personal space) was always under threat. My family had been stolen in the name of development and I came out in ferocious defense of myself (and whatever particular herd I happened to be hanging with) everytime I felt threatened. Which was often. I was not unlike a wild animal.
I remember getting sober. My self-righteous anger didn't disappear. I still ran. I still felt robbed. I still felt invaded. I still felt threatened. I still felt like the loser. I still felt defensive. I had trouble not telling people off. I was still wild.
But I was sober. That was my starting point. If I could change with one decision, the biggest part of my personality, then surely I could also make decisions about the rest.
Did I want to be the wild animal? Some folks liked it - they enjoyed seeing me fire up. It provided them with some sick sort of entertainment. Others were so used to it - our interactions never really got past that intimidated look they give you, you know the one that says "I don't know what to do, what to say, or what you are going to do, so will you please just go away". The rejection I perceived would sent me straight into anger.
I would walk away thinking, "What is with these idiots???"
Eventually, I came to accept my part in the riot. These people were reacting normally to someone who had turned their BBQ's into brawls, upset many a meal, stormed through the house growling, stamping or retreating into that insidious silence. My past actions had created a lot of fear, disappointment and frustration. I had to get real about that, take a deep breath and admit it was going to take a while to turn their reactions to me around.
I began by just asking for help. Not just from my sponsor, AA friends or sponsor. I had to ask those around me, one by one, as situations arose. I had to respond to that "look" they gave me. I remember telling my Mum, "I'm not here to hurt you Mum. I just want to talk, and we don't have to agree" and I remember the look of total shock, and then the look of disbelief. I have never been able to restore trust between my Mum and me, but I do know that in each interaction with her, I offer it.
I will die an alcoholic - and I intend to die a sober one. I will also die a bulimic - but I can't stop eating, so this situation requires management. I particularly need the help of friends and family to help manage this. Left to my own devices, I can end up very sick, pretty quickly. This is how I see my eating disorder Serenity, I hope my perspective helps you. The simple truth is, I forget to eat. During times of emotional stress, or peak physical energy when I'm busy with lots of tasks - I can and do forget. I will deplete my body's resources to the point of sudden and intense hunger as both adrenalin and insulin start screaming inside me. When I get like this, I have to remember to 'fuel up' not 'fill up'.
My solution was found with the help of those who don't really understand it. It baffles others that I could forget to eat. Paid work situations were good - break times reminded me to eat, going out with friends helped too - because normal folk would stop to eat, so I would to. When I first met my partner and began spending full days with him, I couldn't believe how often we would stop to eat... at least 3 times a day!!!! (lol) I remember when he first mentioned that I don't eat much. I told him I need a little help remembering sometimes, and tried not to make a big deal of it. I remember him looking at me a bit oddly and I felt kinda dumb. After a few months, he brought it up again. "You really do forget to eat, don't you?" I just nodded, but the peace I felt in that simple acceptance was overwhelming.
Folk who function around us, see it. Often before we do, and that can and has been my saving grace. I ended up in hospital the first time when I was 11, because I collapsed after a run. No-one knew what was wrong. They just thought maybe I had a touch of sun stroke. A nurse happened to notice I was not simply dehydrated, I was also malnourished and something must have clicked with her because she noticed I still didn't eat once the drip came off. When the doc suggested it was time for me to go home and resume my life, she argued with him. Then she came in and argued with me.
If it wasn't for the folks around me, who prompt me, either with their own eating actions or verbal invitations, requests etc. I probably would never have experienced any sense of regular and healthy eating. It was just plain hard work feeding my kids routinely when they were little, but I made a conscious effort to do it, and any little interruption could throw me way out of whack. I don't think people realise how hard it is for us to stay focussed on what they do innately. So now, when folks come out with a comment, my brain says: "Whooo, let's have a look at this." and they are more often than not, right. It's no big deal now, I just thank them and act on their observation.
Those that want to enter into lectures or criticisms, stand on their podium without an audience. I've said my thankyou. I can exit.
I'm grateful to them. I DON"T know best when it comes to eating, and as much as I try, there are still times when life gets in the way, and I forget again. I need the reminders of those around us, no matter how they come, I guess. It is a difficult thing to balance beside alcoholism - but at least you (like me) come to the task with one skill, many other don't... You know how to say NO. You've learned all tricks. You know how to get rid of the annoying drunk that asks you 15 times why your not drinking, and you know how to pass on the "rounds" when someone suggests you indulge with them. And you know how to sit with yourself, occupy yourself, and interact without food. When we take a bit of an inventory on those things, and then apply them to the grog, we might have a bit of a head start, I think.
In early sobriety, I was asked to attend a lot of weddings as a support person. It took me a while to work out why folks would always suggest me for this 'job'. I do not support marriage, but I do support alkies. I already knew how to 'abstain' from food and I was very good at it. I had the social aspect sussed and once I began applying it grog, I was able to use my "No thanks" and other manouvres more effectively. As bulimics, we bring some skills to AA that help us and others.
We just have to sort em out.
Thanks for sharing Serenity. It is good to know you are there and I hope you have a great day.
Hugs, Serenity