I continue to live in a vicious cycle. When it come to my son, when it comes to my John.
I keep thinking with enough time things will change, be different, afterall don't they understand my good alcoholic thinking! I'm sober now!!!!!!!!! I 'get it' this time, it's different!
BUT, I'm not listening to my HP telling me that I need to end things with John and I back that up with my sponsor telling me not to change anything right now..... Then there's my son. I fear my own child, not physically, but emotionally I guess, so I continue to enable him with vehicles and money (that I dont' have btw).
Saw John for the first time last night since our beach trip. I drive 40 miles (gas is $3.80/gal/USD) to find out he's heading 'home' at 6am this morning and will spend the night with his mother. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm happy he has a good relationship with her, but maybe I'm jealous that I don't have that with my own mother ? OR that his takes time away from me? OR that he's never invited me to go ? Maybe it's all of these things.....His son graduated high school yesterday and I am proud of that kid, but in the same token I should be celebrating my own son's graduation. After about 10 mins of John talking about it, I had to change the subject, or I felt as if I would explode. That is not right. I should NOT feel that way.....I keep trying to be OK with all of this. I keep telling myself I need my own life outside of John. I can accomplish it for a very short period of time but before I know it, I'm back to 'running' to him!
Is it different? Do I get it? I must not Because I wanted to drink so badly last night that I actually opened a beer & stared at it, then poured it out and hid the can in my car! 2 hours later, I went out to the fridge on the carport and filled a plastic cup with wine from a box he keeps, took a big gulp, held it, then spit it out and poured the cup out! Then I spent the next hour sitting in the swing (John was working on the lawn mower) wondering how Dr. Pepper and Spiced Rum would taste (he keeps a bottle in the shop) and could I mix a drink and get the bottle back in the cabinet without him seeing me. No, I didn't call anyone! But I did pray and it did pass, but it took an awful long time.
Don't I deserve more? I think I do. But that sick little voice in my head keeps saying 'we reap what we sow'. How do I stop it? and still be OK?
Will I ever truely 'get it" ? Will I ever have enough strength to end this madness?
-- Edited by Doll at 12:13, 2008-05-25
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll Poopy day eh? Phil's right, you really dont have to change anything today. You dont live with John and maybe a little away time is good for you both right now. Most important thing I ever hear from my sponsor is, "you have to take care of YOU>>>"
Let everyone know this is just what youre going to do for a while. They can fend for themselves for a minute while you get a chance to know who YOU are and what you want. You may be even doing them a favor by letting them take care of themselves for a while!!?????
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey Doll I hope today is a better day! Its always easier to give advise to others...we're too darn stubborn to take our own advise!!!!! Even when we know we should!
Im reading the most fab book...."Eat, pray, love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.... Check it out! Talk about taking care of yourself and finding out who you are!!!!! Its on the Oprah book list and you can check it out on there! Lovin it!
So, Im bad, and being honest. Told my sponsor about it and she said no books for you, keep reading the big book! But needed a little outside stimulation!! Im a bad rule follower!!!!
Anyways, try it........ Hugs back at ya!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lani, I am curious as to why your sponsor would say no books except the Big Book. I would think that any source of positives would reinforce all that the BB professes.
Hey Doll--those relationships are tough, aren't they? I'm struggling with similar issues. Plus, I don't trust my own instincts right now which makes it even harder.
Oh well, as others have said.....back to the basics and focus on staying sober first.
Until next time, atleast. 