It saddens me that my son's father has never wanted to help with the financial responsibility of raising a child. And has never been a role model either. He's a drunk and a drug addict and has been for 30 yrs.
In 1994 he was court ordered to pay $61.00. Period! He quit his job so that was all they could take and hasn't had one since (on the books anyway). Everything (everything) else was left up to me, medical, dental, clothes, medicines, trips to the ER for broken arms when the kid fell off his skateboard. ME having to write a check so Dad could take him to the doctor when he was sick & I didn't miss any time from work. ME having to run by the pharmacy and pick up the dropped off prescription from that doctor visit after work. ME buying the kid a truck when he turned 16. ME paying his truck insurance. I truely don't believe his dad has ever even bought him a pair of socks!
In March I recieved a summons that he was sueing me to stop child support, his reason, our son was living with him. A LIE! Our son moved in with his girlfriend in January. No job, no income whatsoever. But, he's 17 and the state of SC says he can do this and I can do nothing.
I have continued to keep up not only his health insurance, but his truck insurance AND it's fallen on my shoulders to also provide the funds to fix the truck when it broke down and to give the kid gas money so he can look for a job.
The court date was last Friday, I was at the beach and had no intention of going anyway. So I wrote a letter to the judge outlining that the case was based upon a lie and even though my son is living 'on his own' I still carry him fianancially.
The verdict came in the mail today.
CHILD SUPPORT HAS BEEN TERMINATED!!!!
I'm wondering how this man can sleep at night, knowing that not only has he never been a responsible parent but that he now has proceeded to make things even harder for his son.
Everything happens for a reason, I believe that. But I'm pretty damned ANGRY right now that until September 30th I'm now the ONLY one with ANY responsibility toward our son!
Not sure I can keep all this up.........Granted $240/month ain't much, but it did help when the kid needed gas or got sick.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Doll Im so sorry things are going so rough for you right now. It isnt fair and I feel bad for you. Will keep the SOB in my prayers and the dumb judge lol!!!!
I cant imagine what your going through and now that my kids are 15 and 16 I can only imagine the trials I will go through with them!
You have done a great job loving your son and providing for him. You know youre gonna hear this from a few of us..... Your son choose to move out on his own with his girlfriend, My gosh, that would be my daughter the end of this year! For me, I would say if your moving out your on your own! Its great you were able to provide for him growing up but now that he;s an "adult"...Its time for him to start taking responsibilty.... Just my thought!
I hope things work out for you and maybe its time for your son to grow up, since that was his choice when he thought he could move out and live life on his terms...
Maybe someones telling you something...
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
You have done a great job loving your son and providing for him. ...............Your son choose to move out on his own with his girlfriend.... I would say if your moving out your on your own! Its great you were able to provide for him growing up but now that he;s an "adult"...Its time for him to start taking responsibilty
Thank you. Means a lot.
I definately agree with you. My son and I had that discussion. The truck had been parked from the time he moved to April. I, in exchange for him doing some much needed yard work, painting, etc, paid the insurance for him until 6/2 - he KNOWS has until then to pay his portion of the renewal or the truck comes back and gets parked again OR I'll sign it over to him and he'll have to get his own insurance etc. Even though I'm not happy with his choices, I'm trying to help him until he's able to help himself. He has been trying to find a job, they're just not any around here right now. I've suggested he come back home and return to school..The 'problem' is even though the law says at 17 he can do what he wants, should he get sick, hurt, cause harm to someone else, I'm still responsible till he's 18 (on 9/30). ME, all alone, still!
I guess I'm pissed cause $240.00 a month doesn't even cover the health insurance, let alone ANYTHING else it takes to raise a child. And once again the SOB gets it HIS way and the rest of us have to suffer!
I'm pissed cause the SOB has never taken responsibility for his son. Hell! He's not even responsible for himself at 44 yrs old!
ARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH! I'm just really angry right now. At a lot of things: 2 car wrecks, water heater replacement, BAD vinyl siding job, buyer for my business can't get financed and the list goes on.......
Living life on life's terms is tough right now. But, I'm SOBER and grateful for it.
Trying to find the blessings in all of these things......
Thanks, again, my friend.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I feel your pain. I was never late, paying $550 per month (1 son), for 11.5 years, then when my son came to live with me for 5 years, my X-wife whined and wound up paying nothing. That biatch even conned me into allowing her to claim him on her taxes the first year that I had him, so that she could get an "unearned income credit" of $3000. I would have gotten a $900 benifit and she was to give my the $900. It never happened.
I did not allow my son to drive or have a car (or a cell phone) until after he turned 18, and he didn't get a car until his second year of college! He paid for 3/4 of the purchase price, tittled it in his name and has always paid all of the insurance/gas/repairs etc.... I bought him a prepaid college tuition deal and he has had to work to pay the balance of his school/living expences (along with some schoolarships he got). I'm not bragging Doll, just saying that your son needs to experience "Life On Life's Terms". He can go to court and get "Emancipated" and relieve you of any legal burdens. I'd sign over the truck and say see ya on the holidays. You deserve a life and need to get on with it. Why live in "the problem". Chance are, he's going to be a lot like dad. Maybe not a drunk, but motivation wise, the apples don't fall far from the tree, and sometimes they roll back. No sense buying into that. He's a big boy now.
Dean, I'll think long and hard about what you said. I know you're right, it's just gonna be tough for me to follow thru on......
Phil, I think it would have been so much easier if 'dad' had of stayed away. But, he wanted to play 'daddy' without the responsibility of being a parent. Maybe that's what I'm soooo damned angry about.
Thanks for the ES&H, guys. It's greatly appreciated.
Love you all & thank you for being here.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
We all make our way eventually, but we've got to be given the opportunity for trial and error to see what works and what doesn't. My wonderful son took last year off from college, the hard way, after having to withdraw from several classes. He's been working for 2 years now making about $9 per hour. He and his girlfriend sharing an apartment with a grade school friend and his girlfriend. It may be the best thing that could've happened, him learning how hard it is to live on next to nothing. When I first found out, this spring, that he wasn't in school, I got depressed and felt sick like I'd failed or something. Then I said "what a minute, that kid learned everything that he needed to know, now it's time for him to apply while I get out of the way." I could ruin this opportunity for his growth experience by stepping in and throwing some money at his problems. What a blow to his self esteem that would be. Jen I realize that our situations are a bit different, and I'm not comparing just saying.
Jen, My two cents worth.......my mind spun with all sorts of things when AH left me with our children......in the end....they've turned out to be frugal when need be....all live on their own. It wasn't easy on none of them. When I went to file taxes the first year of separation I found out that a vehicle was considered part of child support. WHAT?! He had paid enough for part of the year and those cars put him over the top so HE could claim them. UGH!! Check into that it may be able to help overturn the ruling. In the long run.....my sister raised her son from the time he was about one year. Ex. was ordered to pay only $100.00 a mere pitance of what he was making. She learned to do her own car repairs, plumbing ect. of which I'm sure you did as well. The Ex for serveral holidays would blow into town (of course, he was jobless everytime. Funny how that worked!.....). He'd make extravagent promises to his son any where from fairy tales about living with him to 4 wheelers ect. For a couple of years their son acted out his anger and pain via poor grades, minor theft (usually items from family/friends that could be returned), to damaging a neighbor's pool. A very kind priest (NOT a pedofile) sat him down with my sister and talked to him. The man got him doing constructive things. Fast forward my nephew's in the Army and has seen Iraq, Korea, Kuwait just to name a few places. He is doing quite well. One day when I was complaining to him about not understanding how our kids idolized all their dad's bad behavior, ect ect. he told me not to worry. He reminded me how he had done in grade school and had during that time hated his mom. (they had lived within their means and at times not easy) yet as the years passed and he got older he began to see her differently and his dad too. "My dad.....left us......he lived really well though he never seemed to have money to help mom. I even thought about suing him myself. I CAN DO THAT, but why. (He had some lawyer at one of the bases he was stationed at mentioned this.) He didn't want the relationship that bad. My mom, well, what can I say. Didn't like her. Now I understand and love her for all she went through." He has a son himself now......and is very much a part of his life even though he lives with his mom. When he went to the Army at my sister's persuasion he admitted that he was scared to death. "I NEEDED TO GROW UP! and mom in a round about way helped me to do that!" Yeah Jen, maybe letting go while simultaneously always having that door open would help. God, if we could only have manuals, huh? Your ex will do what he wants, just as mine, just as others......let them be A--HOLES 'cause somewhere down the road it'll come back to bite them in their own! (And some of the stories I've heard about mine.... "chomp, chomp" LOL
I'm sure you probably already knew this and were just too pissed off to want to see the man, but any time you're called to court, not showing up is not going to produce anything beneficial to you.
That's why contesting minor traffic infractions is a good idea to some people- because the cops often times wont show up in court for something minor, and without the cop's testimony the judge usually declines hearing much more than a short synopsis by the party who did show up, and he/she generally judges in their favor.
I had a generally civil amicable separation and divorce but I ended up agreeing to pay an enormous amount for five years, while my ex got through college. We made it- barely. She is now getting her PHD and I got an education in finance. ;) Live and learn.
Ahhh- I don't mind. She's a math genius- she was born that way- like the main character in a beautiful mind. It was really this huge talent being squandered.
I don't care about the money so much, but the stress of having to come up with it every month for five years was quite a weight on my shoulders. That ended a year ago and it has been such a huge releif, and even though money is still tight the psychological burden isn't there. If I can't pay mastercard or Ford Motor Credit I really don't have any emotional feeling about that- but the Alimony and support, I felt a very concrete obligation to follow through. Like I said- we're old freinds, she and I.
This is my Story and I am Sticking to it becasue it is THE TRUTH and THE TRUTH wil set you free.
I also have a Son that is 22 years old from another marriage. When I was 28 yrs old I married an Italian from Naploli, Italia. He lived in San Francisco and was working for a ( Five star) dining there in the City. He drank and so did I, perfect couple.
I'll cut to the part about the child support after the marriage, then seperation, reconciliation, then divorce, attached wages, no child support, he refused visitation on terms, he refused vistation at all.
CHild support attached by the D.A. for a reduced amount that ended up being $200.00 a month. I was sober 2-19-94 worked the Steps but still had a grudge, resentment, hatred for him I couldn't shake. By that time he owed our Son in arrears $ 00,000.00. or more
Over the last few years he came into our Sons life like he cared. Paid some 1/2 of his expenses so on.
The end of the Story is this. My Ex told me that he could never pay that kind of money to me for our Son. I took him at his word, went in to the Court and settled for $ 0,000.00. That was 4 years ago.
I have felt peace over it!
Our Son is drinknig and in trouble with the system. My ex co-owns 7 Restaurants and just paid 000,000 for his wedding in Vegas. He flew in his entire family from Italy to be there. It isn't for me to judge.
I pray to God often humbling myself asking for Mercy and FORGIVENESS.
How painful, Doll. I have been the rounds of the courts and so forth with my husband, regarding his 2 sons. Seems the courts will stop at nothing to harrass the ones who pay up and on time, and they leave the deadbeats alone!!
Somehow or other, a friend of mine's adult daughters were granted a bunch of money form out of nowhere, after they became over 21, from back child-support, from the state where their dad lived that was KEPT form his tax return, and sent to the girls (he thought since they were older he got off scott-free, so he filed his return expecting money, and he was wrong!). They were over 21!! So you never know what lies around the corner.
That said, I thank God that he has blessed you with the ability to take care of your son all those years without the SOB's help. That is a real blessing, Doll, as so many women cannot. And... what Dean said makes a lot of sense to me, now that your son is out on his own.
I just hope you can find peace in all of this.
(((hugs)))
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Well Pam, let me help you. Coming from a father that paid over $100k child support in 7.5 years, was never late, never missed a visitation, and drove over 100k miles for visitation, you're x is a P.O.S. And on the other hand, being a child of an alcoholic father that barely came around, even though he lived across town and paid his child support, I can tell you that it contributed greatly to my issues with school, alcohol, drugs, relationships, the law...........
As an employer I've had several dead beat dads, that I knew of and I let them have it. They all seem to have some "entrapment" excuse. I told them "look ***hole, that is your child, take care of them. what kind of person won't take care of their own son/daughter?"
Im just glad I dont have that stuff to deal with!!!!
All your kids are in my prayers!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
