I read with great interest your posts on dry drunks. I witness, too, my spouse, get angry, disappointed in others ambitions and achievements, lose his clarity. Sometimes he tries to rain on my parade, spoil my mood. I usually have to pull out my boundary bag and use one for self-care (protection). I don't know. I am so insecure in our relationship. He had 10 yrs. sobriety, drank again for 6 yrs. When he started again the 2nd time he swore he was dry, but I found out a year later it wasn't true, he drank in secret. Last October he went to AA for 2 months, then stopped. He also started to go to slippery places again, said some things would never change, he's still go to his lodge meetings, etc where beer is served. SO when I witness these behaviors I have no way of knowing. He drank in secret before, so I would say he Would do it again. I do not know how true it is that they can get just as bad or worse than the last drunk, or if they can be that clever. Anyway, I told him it would take me 2 yrs. to trust again. When I ask relationship questions, I get silence. Group says hands off, as long as you have no proof. I just remember how it feels to have the disease bite me in the butt again and again. I know I am losing my patience lately, and I am trying to get it back. I get so tired of waiting on him, and turning myself inside out for "our marriage". Waiting to see if his true colors will show some day.
I just woke up New Year's Day thinking NOT MUCH to look forward to. A blank page, that can only be filled in by me. Still living in Limboland. I dunno, if anyone can help me gain perspective or a better one so I get my serenity and sanity back. I sooooooo want to ask him if he nips and tucks, now and then !
In my humble opinion,,, it is good to remember that whether he is dry or active... the focus should be on your own recovery, eh? If you are focussed on trying to catch him and worry about him,, and you are tired of it,,, then, balance. What about your own life?
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Is it possible that your decision to not trust for 2 years is actually what may be messing with your serenity? That's a long time to put your relationship on hold.... as long as you decide NOT to trust him, you will be "waiting" as such, for the day that you validate your decision.
Could that be the conflict?
What if you go into whatever room he's in and just have a good look at him. Ask yourself what you're feeling. Who is this guy? What makes him smile? What gets him laughing? Who does he trust? Why do others trust him? How has he made you smile and feel safe over the years? Why did you choose him to be your friend. Just soak that stuff up for a bit. Then maybe share what you just remembered with him, or write it down and have another look at it.
There's no gaurantees here Wallsal... I kinda feel like I should put a disclaimer on the end of this post or something but maybe it might help you find the rainbow again.
I really like what Amanda had to say and I remember what it was like, focusing so much on my alcoholic and taking care of everyone. I came into the 12-Step programs at the age of 42, not knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had lost myself somewhere along the way and my world had become so small that I felt like I was suffocating.
During the early years in recovery, I was reminded often (mostly by my tough AA sponsor!) that by focusing on others, I didn't have to do anything about myself. I do believe that we're children of God and He wants us to be happy.
Thanks all for your responses, I believe Nic pegged it perfectly. I had made that decision. I did bottom out New Year's Day, did some regettable mistake, hurt too many folks,--all I know is I hope some good comes from it. It did open up conversation with my A, on everything--communication, trust, drinking, dry drunks, but I think it was the first time he's been able to talk, too bad I had to hit such a low and do stupid stuff to get it started. Sometimes it HAS to get worse, right? Guess that's what happened.
Sorry so late with this--I try to get rid of the "stinkin' thinkin" in every aspect of my life. "Try" is the operative word here.....I'm not always successful, tho........lol
Active or dry drunk are the same thing, in my opinion. The ONLY exception is active means one is still drinking. As I absorb the lessons I learn here on this page & in meetings, I have found a better lifestyle w/o the bottle.
As I told my A the other day, the highs are not as high but the lows are not as low. This makes all the difference. Again, in my opinion, the highs are better because they are REAL feelings not brought about by something artificial. They FEEL REAL.....they have substance--something to grasp onto instead leaving me, in despair, when I finally sober up.
I dunno, if anyone can help me gain perspective or a better one so I get my serenity and sanity back. I sooooooo want to ask him if he nips and tucks, now and then !
but maybe it might help you find the rainbow again.