My Recovery has been slowly taking over in capability.
Such knowledge seeping & simpering through waiting to
take flight. Building up like an inferno of fire &
brimstone in the depths of my belly & sanity. I've
been becoming well. I was frustrated for a little
while. The knowledge but not the means but that has
been changing. My knowledge has been solididying into
a reality. I've been on the verge of knowing what to
do but feeling empty beneath my feet when I wanted to
stamp. This Recovery is becoming very real & it's all
because I'm learning how to let go.

The final challenge is to grip to the roots of how it
all began a long~time ago in the early span of my 31
years. My emotions had been built on an entrenched
sense of self~pity. I mourned for & since my
beginnings. I felt such pain for so long for how my
life began. I didn't know what I'd done wrong. I
started out feeling somehow I must have deserved it
all & for that I felt guilt. I've felt guilt for what
seems like an age. So long it seemed normal. I was
angry & resentful for all the things that went wrong;
all the mistakes those close to me & those I came into
contact with ever made; I felt hurt & affronted that
people had harmed me from then & after.

Couldn't they all see how pure I was & how I didn't
deserve their stupidity or silliness? What could I do
to change all of that with my young years? I cried out
again & again. Expressed myself in a thousand
different ways. Being good; Being naughty; Being
spiteful; Being hurt. Stop it please! Stop it Please!
I don't know what's going on but it seems to keep
happening & nothing I do makes a difference! So my
personality learned to be helpless. The fury I felt as
a teenager, the angry affront & self~righteous outrage
I expressed in 'Stop doing this; Be like that'
eventually turned in onto itself & became a
deep~rooted ball of 'I can't do anything; I can't
change this' All I felt was that I was going to have
to live with it for the rest of my life & thus a
continued fate was decided.

Self~pity became my food; My survival. 'This shouldn't
be happening' repeating over & over. So I had a young
mind & this way it set. I became a 20 year old barely
away from my teens & with little experience to teach
me elsewise. I was already taught what life meant. It
meant struggling, ill~equipped to deal with future
challenges. I already knew I could drink. I was good
at that. But, I didn't think it was causing any harm
or would have long~term ramifications. I coasted
through the next few years. Found my first 'adult'
relationship with one who would analyse & possibly
make me better. Not so we would discover. There was
certain reassurances there but ultimately conflict
too. No~one could heal pain that had gone before &
seemed to continue in its fall~out & besides, such a
one had their own pain too.

So it ended in a huge entangling which had come with
the rising of behaviours from an already built in
sense of self, forlorness & desperation. I went on &
discovered one who I felt I loved for all the right
reasons & my opportunities for drink multiplied
increasing as I thought I'd found a family of folk to
replace my own. These people had party in the heart of
them & I embraced the whole culture whole~heartedly. A
circle of friends for me to plunder for love. My heart
'expressed itself best' in the veils of drunken hazes.
Accept my outrageous behaviour, my screaming heart &
'all for me' attitude. Prove how much you love me by
letting me misbehave or receive my inappropriate
familiarity. Can't you see how much I need you to
accept me, can't you see how damaged I am & how much I
need you to tell me what I'm worth!?

A delight & warmth for some but an abominability for
others. Stop acting so crazy, girl. What's wrong with
you. That's not right. There's no need for this. Stop
it. 'It's ok, it's not me, I'm drunk. It's the
alcohol. But then, why can't you know me? I'm not
really like that. Why can't you understand & love me?
I won't give up trying to make you love me.' I had
nothing to lose. I was young, carefree. Had a great
job & could choose to work around any night~out I
wanted. It was all party: party: party. Nevermind my
silliness or the guilts I awoke with. I'll grow out of
it. By the way, I don't see my family. I have little
to do with them, they're all bastards & I'm the only
one with all of the answers, if only they knew..

People did love me though they may have come off
confused & perturbed at my behaviours & I suppose they
didn't spend too long thinking about me either though,
of course, my paranoia never told me that. I knew I
was wrong. I knew I needed fixing & asked too much but
I had little clue of little else to do. All I could
think & feel was resentment that all of these people
seemed fine. Could deal with themselves because
'they'd all had charmed childhoods' so I couldn't
relate to them. If they'd suffered they'd understand
me & then I'd be a Princess for having come through my
experiences. I deserved recognition. I couldn't accept
that people had their own lives to deal with. Nobody's
problems could over~shadow my own. Didn't I deserve to
be treated like some sort of Demi~God!

I can see these thoughts now for what they were
because I don't think them any more, but, for all of
my 20s they endured. That relationship came to an end.
Despite all the beauty there had been, my bitterness
made sure of that. Not that the other was blameless
but in our young ignorance we'd created a relationship
of co~dependency even then. I never took responsibilty
for myself as a whole person. I had no idea what to do
with my life so I lived for their ambitions. 'No, it's
ok. You do what you need to do & I'll support you..'
(while I float nowhere on my cloud of helplessness.
All I know how to do is Party & go wild like a
Party~Girl. See how fun & charming I am; See how much
of a fuss I can make & by the way, Please like me!)

I'm happy for that boy now. I'm sure he's having a
relationship more suited to him. I was too much for
him in the end. He was innocence & simplicity & I
could never have that, but then, how could he ever
heal me? So I angered & felt badly~done~to. A
frightful sense of injustice. How dare he run off,
lick his wounds, feel healed & move on with his life &
leave me floundering in the wreckage of everything I
thought I knew changing. Support system gone & left to
find the only comfort I was capable of receiving in
the life of another none-too-healthy alcoholic. We
were never a couple & the distaste I sensed from
everyone around me to see me go from the stability of
one well~liked & respected individual to the pathetic
appeal of one as helpless & self~pitying as myself.

All of my flaws came to light. I plummeted from what
grace & dignity I had to a position of complete
patheticness. Everyone could see how lost I was to my
substance of choice & all I could think to do next to
flounder to some decent semblance of rescue to save
myself was to escape to this Amazing experience
abroad. So I packed up & left but not without the help
of a new friend. My new discovery. My possible next
chance for true love. He was innocent though had
suffered so we found that footing in friendship. He
accepted my pain & held me to kiss it softly. It raged
inside me & he accepted my need to wallow. Followed me
over during my geographical & consoled me throughout.

I drank heavily so never allowed myself to grow. I
could drink as much as I liked & until the times I
liked so I spoiled. I took my pity &
self~consciousness everywhere. I didn't have to emerse
myself too much in the extraodinariness of the
experience. I kept myself isolated too. The drink was
my friend & I didn't know how to have sensible,
grown~up & equalled chat with my counterparts so I
simply carried on with my seeking solace & comfort in
the bottom of a glass. I could always justify myself
with bravado once I was feeling that fuzz. How blind I
can see I was with my vision now.

I came back to my new friend & couldn't handle a
return to Liverpool & 'family' so I fled to his home &
returned to try my luck at re~cooping some sense of
friendship from my old~love. Ofcourse, this went
horribly & furthered the struggle of my pain & remorse
for all I thought I'd lost. I dragged my new friend
through this turmoil & we loved the best we could but
it was all about me & my broken heart. Eventually I
couldn't take any more. My heart told me there was
something wrong with the situation & we couldn't grow
together so I left it there & scurried back to
Liverpool, this heart still desperate for an answer.

I lived with my parental folks for 6months & can't say
I was a pleasure. Held my Mother in the height of
disdain & allowed her to know on a daily basis. That
home reminded me of every depression I'd ever felt or
witnessed. My parents a reflection of everything
inadequate in mine & their life. What I didn't know
then was that my own contribution made it 10times
worse. I couldn't recognise my own mother's trials &
successes. She was a failure in my eyes so I poisoned
her with that esteem.

Had a high romance of little substance during that
summer. More drink & escapes across the water. Little
progress in my work. More incidences of misbehaviour &
silliness when drunk. Attempted study again during
which said 'romance' came to an abrupt & unceremonious
end though not without the benefit of breaking the
spell & habit of coming to depend on another for my
own responsiblities. Then, finally, the opportunity to
get my life & belongings together all in one place &
well away from the offending family. The imagined help
I'd always thought I was managing from drink was
becoming transparently thin further & I can't say much
of it was productive.

The story so far ends here. I met my ex A & had a 15mth relationship during which brought me much shame & enough degradation to bring me to my knees & if for nothing else right now I can thank him for that. My double rockbottoms in the beginning & end of Summer 06.

This has not been a pity~party but
an honest representation of how I was motivated
before. This I've been coming to know in the new terms
I'm learning. I needed to face the guilt of my
responsibility for how my life happened since I had
'control' as an adult. I'm suddenly realising that
this has only been a past. That's all it is. My
awakening & recovering of myself has helped me to
realise that all that I did before was a strategy.
Only a strategy. Not a personality. That's beginning
to grow out from the inside. I'm learning how to grow
out of my resentments & let them go but first I had to
acknowledge my faults in all of this; Confess my sins
& speak of how I erred before. That's how you can
become free. To suddenly let go of how you survived
before for now we have simple answers & simple routes
forward & with genuine friendships with those doing
the same.

I believe in this programme & its ethos. This has been
the deepest, longest intake of breath I've ever had &
I could never have dreamed that I could & would exhale
so much of this dead air forever. I know it's going to
be a daily task of purge & maintenance but I can now
believe how, for the rest of my life, I know I have
the opportunities to live on gratitude & giving.
Except this time I have to take & give to me first
what is freely given & in so accepting, returning the
gift to those who would know & those who could need.

Thankyou for letting me share. Yours in fellowship, Danielle x