I didn't go to my usual Saturday morning meeting. It's the anchor of my week. Instead, I decided we should have family time. And we were going to have fun like a nice normal family that doesn't have a drunk for a mom! So needless to say it was tense and messy. Everything had to be perfect and fun at all times or somehow it would prove that I really do need AA, that I am not the fantasy "normal" person I long to be. It's such a stupid, romantic fantasy, I don't know why I cling to it. But I feel like I want to throw in the towel and either do this on my own or just say f**k it and drink. Maybe I've learned my lesson and I won't lose control. Again, a stupid fantasy, but it's powerful. I wish I could be like those who surrendered 100% to the fact that they have this disease and that AA can help them. Instead, I'm ambivalent and I torture myself with all kinds of "what if" scenarios. I'm the same stubborn, self centered fool that I was a few months ago, except now I'm not drinking AND I have a little bit of self awareness so I know what I'm doing when I do stupid things. Like not go to meetings and blow off my sponsor, for example. Please, someone, give me a shot or cast a spell on me so I'll give up once and for all.
I wish I knew what normal is...I can tell you that it's normal to struggle with wacky family crap... But what struck me about what you said- was the perfection thing...I never met a perfect person that I liked . You have paid enough dues, to them,to yourself- to the universe. You deserve peace. Beach Girl
Hey JC, You are normal. You are the norm for millions of us that are alcoholics! The norm for us is unhappiness, jail, sickness, etc etc. HOWEVER, as you know, AA works. If you had cancer or heart disease, you would have to come to grips with a change of lifestyle and you would accept it or die. Its the same here, only if you do not come to grips with the disease of alcoholism, you damage others just as bad as yourself--ie your kids, hubby, parents, etc. I (even though I am just another opinion on the internet) like to think of it as a chemo session or a dialisis session, and when you think of it in those terms, you realize your higher power did not single you out--you suffer with millions. When you have days like today, just realize you are on the "down" side of our up and down cycles and that if you stick with the program, your curves will swing up again and stabilize into smaller cycles. We are here for you. Your AA group is there for you. With all of our hearts, we have all been there and we need others just like you. There is no one strong individual here on this board who is normal, but we do have some very happy people here through the program and through the help of others. It is normal for you to need AA. When you get to the point that you wear your association with AA as a point of pride, because it is helping you kick one of the most difficult diseases known to man, your family will understand you much better. Honestly, get a good nights sleep and call a "do over" tomorrow. Hang in there, Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
be careful what you wish for (shot, cast a spell...). About the "maybe I learned my lesson and I won't loose control". What we need to realize is that we need to get "out of control". It's the trying to control, that's drives us nuts. And we've been doing it all our lives, trying to do it "right" and make it "perfect" or God forbid someone will come along and critisize us.
So there we stay, "Forever hypervigilent like an animal that comes out of it's hole, to get something to eat without getting eaten"- John Bradshaw. So we found alcohol and after having a few drinks it let us get "out of control". For the first time, we were able to relax and enjoy ourselves without the stigma that someone is going to come along and tell us that we're no good. So this "Control" is a concept that is counter intuitive. What we think is "out of control" is a situation that we think that we need to get a tight grip on and FIX IT! We need to stay "out of control". That's what the serentiy prayer is all about. When you're feeling all wacked out, trying to be the perfect Mom, it's because deep down you think that if the days activities don't come off as spectacular, then You failed. There is so much there to think about. How we are not responsible for others feelings and how they are going to process an event or situation. Of course, if we need validation for our feelings, and we are "in control" of the situation, we're going to make damn sure that everybody is going to have a good time, Or Else GD IT!
How does expectations play into that? I know that as an alcoholic, I expect to be entertained all the time. I have an "All or Nothing" mentality, so an experience is either Fantastic!! or it sucks big time. There is no inbetween under the "Old rules" of engagement lol. I've been where you're at and I remember my 6-7 y/o son looking at me trying to figure out how to process some event, when I was not having a good day because of my impatience and anxiety (usually because I'm doing something for the first time or The First Time Sober!) and I'm trying to make it perfect and ruining everyone's day, including mine.
I found that sense of balance and normaly inside of myself for me it all fell into place in a church but it could have in a meeting just as easily once I let go and decided that "feeling right" wasn't my priority serving god was once i did that i turned a corner and my sobriety changed for the better. Some time after this happened for me I realized that I thought i had done step three months before this but in reality it was in that moment when i let go and dedicated my life to the lord that i really took step three. I don't know if that helps but it was from the heart
god bless
Bryan
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Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Romans 8:6 , The Message
Hey Lady: Wow, reading your email brought back a lot of memories for me. My kids had left me during my drinking days to live with their father. My oldest and I did not speak for a couple of years. I have been sober five years now. I knew that my only hope for getting my kids back was working the Program. I learned that I had to work on myself and commit to facing my deepest fears and be willing to change. Being sober goes against what we are 'programed' to do and be. It takes practice and patience. I stumbled a lot in the beginning but I dusted my britches off and kept working the steps. My kids saw the transformation and in time, probably six months, they came home. They are away in college now but always come home to Momma.
With all that said, don't set expectations for your family. Focus on yourself and your recovery. I read pages 86, 87 and 88 of the Big Book every night. Pick up your Big Book and read! Feel free to email me back. You are not alone!!!
jc, get into those steps ASAP. Work through the steps and get the healing change that comes from doing so.
It says in the big book, and it is TRUE, that:
"We will be amazed before we are halfway through (with Step 9)."
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will NOT regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word Serenity.
We WILL know peace.
No Matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
Self seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
Fear of People, and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises?? WE THINK NOT!!! They are happening among us. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they will ALWAYS materialize, IF WE WORK FOR THEM.
******
My friend, I hate feeling the things you are feeling. Please get to a meeting, and work those steps. We do not want to lose you here. You are too important and valuable to go back to that old misery.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hey Jen Everything youre feeling is normal!!! For an alkie at least! I too have the feelings of, Maybe I can control it....Not gonna happen! Like Joni said, We need to get into the steps or we will drink!!! Ive been putzing around with my fourth step and know that I am getting a little farther away from my drinking days and can almost tell myself it wasnt that bad! My husband is on my butt big time to get into action, or I will drink! I laugh at him and tell him to mind his own business!
The book is there and the steps need to be done for a reason. Theres not a special chapter for me that says I can keep putting it off! I think there comes a time when meetings and not drinking are not enough!!!!
Hang in there! No one says everyday will be perfect! But I am sure you will agree, its better than it used to be
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome to the board Shay, Please create an introduction thread so that you can receive a proper welcome. Brilliant share btw. I was very motivated also, in early sobriety, so that my young son didn't have to grow up with a drunk for a father, like I did.
. You have paid enough dues, to them,to yourself- to the universe. You deserve peace. Beach Girl
