I have just heard from an on-line friend, who's son had been about a month sober. I haven't had face to face contact with any of this family, and have developed a genuine friendship with his Mum over a few years online. I really like her and feel I can relate to her words. When he decided he wanted to stop drinking, the son and I made email contact and I began encountering the differences that exist when you meet without being able to have an 'experience' of sharing the traditional cuppa, looking into each others eyes, hearing the other speak and understanding what we see reflected there...
I suggested AA, but he decided he could do it on his own. I understood that - I thought that too, for nearly too long. He did locate a counsellor (with an organisation I am familiar with... because of the trail of tragic failures that I saw go through their program in another town). I didn't say this, because I didn't want to discourage him. I hoped it would be okay. He told me he was going to be the first alcoholic I'd met that made it without AA.
Last night he slashed his wrists. I have gone through a stream of emotions. I don't think I feel any different to when I have visited other members who had done the same or similar things, and my mind has kinda sunk into funeral memories too, but alongside all those feelings of frustration and mixed emotion, is this weird isolation. A total powerlessness, that just plain seems to echo around me.
He is alive. He has entered the new year in hospital, with a bunch of stitches, feeling like crap and bound to wake up feeling worse. I can't quite work out whether I want to cry, or yell or swear at the moon. It is so damn sad. Sometimes it is just plain hard to feel grateful, when you know others are still suffering. It is hard to harden our hearts and remember that not everyone makes it, and we don't have control over who does.
Last week an 80 year old guy I met, died sober. I didn't feel sad. I felt kinda happy for him. I knew he'd lived a long hard life, but he had made a difference and shared many of the lessons he'd been sent here to learn. I thought, "Ah good on ya Fin, Enjoy!"
This young guy didn't die. He's still here. Yet I am overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and loss. I feel guilty too, I think. Like I should have said, "Don't mess with that mob. Get your arse over to AA and stop messing with your own life" but you can't say that, can you? Not without firing them up and making them more determined that you are some nutcase from the AA cult or something...
His Mum is so THERE. She really cares, won't turn her back, has shoulders like hercules. I respect her so much. So many of us don't have Mums like that, but somehow we've made it through the doors. Just doesn't make sense, and I don't figure its really meant to... not tonight. I just hope he gets it. I dunno if I should go up there. They are about 400k away I think. It is a weird space I'm in. I decided I would wait until he asked for help, but at the same time, I know I wasn't able to just come out and ask my sponsor to help me through the doors. She just kinda understood after having coffee with me. It is hard to know what is the right thing to do here. I am left questioning my responsibility to a fellow alkie. Do I offer what was given me, or do I wait for the request for help? I guess it will become clearer in time.
Carrying the message is hard work, isn't it?. Especially outside of the AA safehouse. I can only be grateful I found my way to AA, and hope he does to.
We need each other. We just can't do the living sober bit on our own. Leaves me stumped why we try to... but we all try to, don't we?
Nic,Sorry about what this young man has done, I'm glad he is still alive. There is still hope, I'm glad you shared what you could with him about AA. We are here to plant seeds, and to be there when someone reaches out to us.We carry the program, not the alcoholic.
Please pray and you will know the right thing to do. I also have the honor of being in Al-anon because I'm a triple winner and it helps me so much in dealing with other alcoholics. Is your friend in Al-anon?
As it's been said so many times, that moment of silence before the Serenity Prayer is for those still suffering. I always pray for those and will pray for this young man, I know how he feels as I tired several times to kill myself, I'm so glad that 19 years ago I surrendered to God and He heard me.
Nic, remember we are not God, and we need to "Let God be God" and it sounds like He was doing his job this time. Please find some peace in that.
it's soo hard to know what to do in this situation. you are a good friend to this young man. he knows you are there for him and you have planted the seed. that is all anyone can do. maybe sending him a message that you are still there for him when he is ready to talk will help him. we are our own worst enemy. having faith in the program that everything will turn out ok. maybe this is his bottom, who knows. found this letter someone posted a while back. hope it helps.
An Open Letter to My Family
I am an alcoholic. I need help.
Dont allow me to lie to you. If you accept my evasions of the truth, you encourage me to lie. The truth may be painful but try to get at it.
Don't let me outsmart you. This would only allow me to avoid responsibility and would make me lose respect for you at the same time.
Don"t accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents my keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. And, Dont keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made stick to it.
Don't let me exploit you or take advantage of you. If you do, you become an accomplice to my evasion of responsibility.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, praise, blames, or argue when I'm drunk or sober. Don't pour out my liquor; it may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my drinking. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my sickness worse.
Above all don't run away from reality as I do. Alcoholism, my illness gets worse as my drinking continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. find al anon, whose groups exist to help families of alcoholics.
I need help. from a pastor, doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from a recovered alcoholic who found sobriety in AA and from God. I cannot help myself.
yeah.. the 12th Step is not easy. I messed up a few times trying to carry the message. When we take the role of giving advice it can work out messed up,,, but not saying anything might be as bad sometimes. We really need Wisdom. And we need to pray so that we come into improved contact with our Highr Power as to what His will is for us to do, or not do,,, and the power to carry it out. We are not perfect people. Just people trying to do our best,,, and we trust God to do the rest. Hopefully everyone learns and grows.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Thanks Gammy (I used to call my Grandma that... it feels oddly comforting using the word again)
Yes, I did suggest it and I think she recently joined Al-Anon. She went to a meeting. She also comes to the task with several qualifications (which can sometimes make it a bit tougher). She is just such a caring, genuinely loving person, and I can't help but envy this young fella's family situation. Those that have family support, rarely understand those that have grown up without it. They just can't.
I know I'm not God Gammy. I'm just a little girl who I can change the world by making changes in myself. I just have a little trouble working out what, as a human, I can do... because in any situation, we can do things that contribute either constructively or destructively to the world around us. For a long while, much of my contribution was destructive and thoughtless. I ignored and denied much of what was going on. I didn't take much time, to think about how I could help folks smile, share a little strength or courage in times of need. I didn't think much at all. Just drank.
I've seen a lot of people die. Some have died peacefully, others have gone out fighting themselves or others. I have carried quite a few alkies, without regret. We are a funny lot, but when its been done for you, you feel compelled to pass it on. It is one of the ironies of working dual programs I think. You know just how much a few minutes of someones time, a cup of coffee, a phone call, an outstretched hand, is actually worth when you look back and give thanks. In the end, it doesn't matter whether they are alkie or not, but its the alkies that helped us learn how to do it, so we pass it on in all our affairs. I have learned to detach, but doing so means I still have feelings to feel. Thanks for helping me feel them and process the love in all the distorted forms it was taking. And thankyou for reminding me that someone far away can express love - as you do.
I sent him a brief email, Elizabeth. It was really hard to write. I just told him that I didn't know what to say and wished I was closer, so I could look in his eyes, smile or nod, hold his good hand, when it felt right and do the things I would normally do that just don't need words. I had no other words. So I could only describe my feelings. He knows I am here, and in the mean time I have fences to fix. My girls and I have been thinking of taking a few days out, so maybe we might head up there in a few weeks. Time will tell.
The whole advice/suggestion thing seemed so difficult in the beginning, Amanda. Now I just say it as I see it or feel it. If ever I offend or annoy - it is not intentional. I try to tread gently, and yet at the same time, I will be forever grateful for the straight-talking Irish woman who summed it all up for me in one big insightful statement.
It went something like this: You are no better or no less than anyone else, and eventually you will get a handle on that. There is absolutely nothing smart about endurance. You have some major trust issues and you are full of resentment that is just twisting you inside out. You have to learn to listen and open yourself to learning. The only way you are going to stay sober, is by deciding to trust someone. Just one person will be a start. I am here, and you can trust me not to hurt you - but that can only be YOUR decision. You will have to start believing that I have absolutely no intention of ever hurting you. And when I do, or you think I have hurt you, you must give me the basic respect of telling me - not everyone else. You will learn about friendship in that. I will NOT let you yell at me, or treat me like crap, but you can try it if you want to. I can help you stay sober, learn to like yourself, and I will blaze a trail for you to follow - but you are going to have to do what you're told. Maybe for the first time in your life? You are going to have to trust that I will direct you with love, and that we will both make mistakes, but we will always be moving further and further away from the life we don't want to live. When you are ready to make a decision to trust me and trust my guidance, ring me back.
