Hi all, I'm starting a new thread. I don't work a night shift, Lani- thank goodness for that, but I often work evenings. And by the way, I tried to import some California sunshine for you- they said "the check is in the mail...."
I need you to hear me on a level that does not want sunshine answers on this one. Here 'tis: I forget that I deserve love. Simplistic for a smart ass like me. Don't get me wrong- I come to this site for your unconditional support, and always get it (and more...). But when I look at my last 2 major relationships, it seems to me that I tried to find a way to pretzel myself around the circumstances of their unavailability. (Not their fault- mine)
That I might find a clean one (even as I approach crone-hood is utterly new to me. And when I say clean- I don't mean free of tough times. Something about a healthy relationship is just beyond my ken, which is why I haven't looked for one, despite friends and family's encouragement to do the match.com thing.
My judgement has been messed up by neediness and drinking (bad combo). I feel arrogant when I say "I deserve love"- all the while recognizing that my arrogance in the past probably precluded it all the more, because I championed lost causes as if they were therapy clients... rather than men who were lost for their own reasons. Whew! Beach Girl
if you build it....... it will come, beachgirl!!! Keep building that new sober house inside you, and don't let the unavailable ones in any more, and the right one will come along.
((((hugs))))
__________________
~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Of course you deserve unconditional love, we all do. Many times though we turn it away because we don't want to received love unconditionally. If I have low self esteem and have trouble loving myself, then I'm going to seriously question someone else that wants to love me. After all if I think, deep down, that I'm no good, then anyone would be crazy to want me, and they of course would be "no good". I would have to shoot much higher, for someone that was "better than I deserved" and tolerated me. Someone that I'd have to work hard to win there love, and consequently and consistently come up short. But seeking approval and not neccesarily getting it, is a familiar place for me. I feel comfortable in that role. From where? My parents of course. It took me awhile to realize all the quality women that I tossed aside because I didn't get it.
Hey beachie! Lucky you not having to work nights! I have to keep this brief and will possibly reply more on it to you tomorrow. My son has a project due tomorrow and guess what, hes just f'in starting!!!!! A whole thread could be started on that subject!!!
Anyways, my first reaction to your post was "fear!" I think we like to get involved in relationships that we KNOW cant go any where because then thats just it...We dont have to go anywhere!!! Picking a person to pursue that is unavailable for any reason means we really dont have to let them in to the real us!!! Im really just speaking for myself here! I had a tendency to get into relationsips all my life and when things got to close I would bolt for the door. No way were they going to get to know me or better yet I was leaving before they could leave me! (you always start these threads that remind me of the stupid shit Ive done in the past!!!) Thanks again!!!!!!!!
I believe in the past youve said the problem was married men..correct me if Im wrong. You do deserve love and a person that is totally free to give it! I'll bet there are a lot of woman who get involved with a guy who is married and think that the man will leave their wife for them...Egotistically thinking we can win the prize over someone else. I dont think its intentional in the beginning but it happens! Alot of heartbreak in trying to get love from someone unavailable! It could drive you crazy! For the man its probably a great adventure. Yea they probably really do care about you but its like an extra piece of dessert after the first one! Not sure if that makes any darn sense! I like what Joni wrote...The better we get the more able we are to LET ourselves be loved because we really BELIEVE it can happen!!! Believe in yourself and good things will come your way!!!! Added a little sunshine because, thank you, its a perfect day here!!!!!!!!!!
Just reread Deans response and how true is that!!!!!!!! For me it sure hits home!!!! L
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks for your post, BG. Thanks for your replies Joni, Dean & Lani. All hit home for me too. BG you're in early recovery & will be building a whole new relationship with yourself radiating out hopefully from work with your sponsor, sharing & making friends at meetings, with maybe success with your family & friends too. My last relationship didn't survive early recovery we were together a further 4mths in & then broke up as we both needed to put recovery first.
I managed a further 14mths single & it's the best thing I did for myself. I've had a succession of relationships since my teens so reaching 30 & having some essential ME~time was amazing & well overdue! I was hoping for another 6mths or at least to reach 2yrs sobriety before I considered a new relationship but after getting to know & clicking with someone else in recovery after sometime we kind of fell into place! I was unnerved by this to begin with after my personal promise to self but I've not had to push him away because I'm now equipped with alot of skills & tools to use in loving myself first & then sharing that intimately with another. I do deserve love! I'm glad I know this or I'd sneakily be trying to get away with attempts to sabotage my own happiness with him.
My point is & it's advised around the rooms to stay out of relationships for at least the first year or two of recovery as we go through so much change & we're developing our sense of a Higher Power. I know for me my Boyf would be a Higher Power & unhealthy! I was overly needy & needed them for security & to fix my feelings or me thinking I was the 'answer' for them. Today I understand much more about myself & my own responsibilities in self care, etc. This is because I did as suggested & I took time out to learn, exercise & practice daily my own Program. It's early days for me but I feel I'm having a completely different relationship now than I've had before. I'm more capable & feel like I know what I'm doing & know how & when to ask for help within my program.
I'm sharing this to offer you courage not to worry about finding anyone just yet. If you're single then take full advantage & concentrate on you for yourself. You'll develop such love & strength for yourself & don't fear. When you're up & running with a great program in maintenance, the right person will come along, you'll attract a healthier & be a healthier mate. God's delays aren't God's denials. I like that one. Enjoy your peace & solitude while you have it. As Dean says, with all your work you'll grow into a real comfortable place inside yourself & it will take a particularly special person who'll treat you well & share the love with you that you deserve to coax you out of that space but, Hey! First things first ;) Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi all! just responding with a few thoughts before I turn in.... I'm a career single; probably more uncomfortable in a relationship than out of one. I think alot about the reluctance I've had to share my independence with anyone- I bought my house by myself, created a career by myself, and made friends- and a life. By myself. And of course, fed my neediness, with alcohol, by myself . I get into neediness trouble in relationships- so you are right in suggesting not to be in one for now....until I have solidly learned that my default lover, alcohol, is not a good friend at all. BG
I cant entirely relate because Ive been with my hubby 20+ years but I know from getting to know you a bit that all the wonderful things YOU have built for yourself will be soo fun to share with someone else.....when the time is right! Do take time for you!!!!
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
