I do not want to be a spoiler on Mother's Day. But I have been needing to get this out to someone today, as I am having some emotional difficulties. I talked to my sponsor about it a little bit, but she was getting ready to go to brunch with her mother and sister.
This is the place to let it out, too..... as an alcoholic. Thank you for letting me.
Mother's Day used to be a day where I would get as inebriated as humanly possible, and just shy of having to go to the emergency room. My mom died when I was 4, and she was 29. She was a cocktail waitress and an artist (like me). I remember when I was little, her fixing huge canvases to the wall of our little house, and painting the days and nights away, in between shifts. I grew up painting too, just as a natural reaction to life.
For many years in active alcoholism, I had a blank spot hwere it came to my mother. No emotion about it, it was what it was. She died in a drunk driving accident one night after a work New Year's Eve party. She never had her license, someone else was driving. She and my dad had quit dirnking for awhile and gotten back together, and we were going to be one little happy family again, and then she went out that night. Poor dear.
In recovery I have had to deal with the fact that I never got to really get to know her. I do things all the time where family members say, "Your mother used to do the same thing..... you are so much like your mother...." I am so disappointed that I do not ever get to know this young lady, such a big part of ME, in action, in life experiences, in talents, in personality even, from what I am told.
So there it is, my sadness for today. I laid down for a nap after waking up at 6am today, and I had horrible dreams where I was trying to pop festering wounds on my body. Good way to make a bad day worse, have a dream like that.
A bright spot in my life is that my loving aunt, who never had children of her own, has been my mother and my very best friend all these years. I only in recent years realized that she is my mother now, and always has been, since that fateul night 32 years ago. She has stood by me, joined Al Anon and lovingly detqached when I needed it, pushed my butt into trying AA. Helped me pay for college, been there to cry on her shoulder when things have gone haywire in my marriage and life in general.
She and I are both without our mothers now, but we have eachother. I make a special effort on Mother's Day to give her a card and a gift and let her know what she really means to me, and how much I love her. She says, "God has always known what each of us needed in life. I needed you too."
So, there is always a good ending, where we get what we needed from God, if we can awaken and see it, because it is there. So I iwll see mom someday, I know it.... and until then, try to make her proud, and enjoy all that i can enjoy, and let her know someday that it was all O.K.
Thanks for letting me share a very raw and tender spot in my heart today.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Sorry about your mom and your feelings. It's a good thing that your Aunt was/is there for you. Aparently she was the older sister? A couple things came into my mind. Of course your mom, being one of us had her problems and might not have been near the great mother that it sounds like your Aunt was/is for you. It's possible that your life has been a whole lot better because you Mom passed. Alcoholic parents are usually abusive in many ways. I know, both of mine were. Although the abandonment of passing prematurely obviously has it's issues. My suggestion is to not romanticize about "how it might have been" as that is second guessing God's will, and all that your Aunt has done for you. I think it's great how you think of your Mom as a young woman (age 29) as you've been there and can relate to that. As far as that little girl inside yearning for what can never be, you need to connect with her and let her know that You are her loving parent now and will always be there for her. There are several exercises for this in on of JB's books, perhaps "healing the shame..". You Can change your annual feelings/reaction to this day and other days relating to your Mother by writing a new script, that removes the negative feelings, like sorrow etc... and replaces them with spirituality of knowing that somewhere your mother exists even if only in your heart. I hope this helps.
Joni, That was a powerful message in your post. Relief from the burden of emotional baggage by revealing this. More importantly.....the message. That when one person cannot give us what we need, there may be another. In your case your aunt has fulfilled the role of your mother. (As for the correlation to AA.....often those closet to the alcoholic......are soooo close to the problem they are just as much in a haze as to what to do as is the diseased.) You are very fortunate that your aunt has been there and has been able to do both! The woman you unfortunately never knew.......sounds like by realizing the attributes you both shared.....you are getting know her. And thus she lives on...... Grief has no time limit. Some carry this burden for years. It comes with denial, anger, acceptance and love as well. To me even though you were very young it sounds as if that is what you have went through......and are in the final stages. By taking those attributes/talents and using them wisely you honor your mom who was unable to do what your aunt has. You have been blessed doublely!!!! Wanda
Joni, An after thought. Perhaps it would be helpful to write a letter to your mother/go to the cemetary and "speak" to her all these things you seem to have bottled up. Again from what you have wrote it sounds as if you have been grieving. My mother in law was a wonderful person!!!! When the bottom was falling out of my marriage this was one of the ways I was able to cope. Went more than once to the cemetary and talked to her. I know that she loved her son as much as I did and inside hated how alcohol had "touched" the lives of her children. And how I miss her! By doing this though, I was able to "let go" and gradually peace has come (to me). I am soooo sorry you have had to go through this. Wanda
Thanks, both of you, for your kindness and sharing. I have done much work on this in recent years in therapy, and it still stings every once in a while. But it no longer has me "stuck".
I spent the afternoon with my aunt... we walked my doggy (her grandchild... hee hee), and we talked and loved eachother. I am so grateful to have the chance to really love her, Sober now. I love her more each day. And every day I know that I am trying my best to do the right thing.
Wanda, I have gone to my mother's grave only twice since she died. Once when I was young, and the second time was on Mother's Day, in 2001, which happened to be the day after I got out of treatment, and also my 6 month anniversary, all rolled into one. (I had been in jail for 3 months, then Tx for 3 months.) I went to a meeting and picked up my 6 month chip, then my aunt was driving me home, and we passed the cemetary, and I laid my chip on her stone, and the clouds blew in really fast and covered up the shining sun. I cried and asked God why, and a calm came over me, and I promised my mom I would try to hang on, and live the life she wanted to, but could not. And the sun came back out, just like that. That was 7 years ago, and I think it may be time to go back there. I so wish she could have experienced what I am experiencing now.... a beuatiful sober home, a loving relationship with my husband... more and more art and creativity in my life every day. Getting older, seeing those lovely wisdom lines appear (they call them wrinkles).... and all that other good stuff. Maybe I will go back now and tell her about my life after 30.....
I may never be totally over this, but it does get better, and easier for me to talk about when I need to. Thank you, my friends. The tears I cry now are tears of tender joy ands peace. Thank you for helping me get there today, friends.
((((hugs))))
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Joni, What beautiful women! One of the attributes your mother surely has left you. As far as those tears.........and feelings...... Two major influences in my life aside from my own mother and mother-in-law were my maternal grandmother and my aunt/Godmother. My grandmother passed when I was around twelve. I had spent many weekends with my grandparents on their farm. Helped gather the eggs, slop/feed the hogs and played in the dairy barn while G-pa cleaned up after milking. Then off to town to deliver the wares. G-ma was very spiritual. After lunch she'd set in this one rocker and prayer her Rosary....each and everyday. When she passed I can still remember the bitter cold temps and trodding through drifts to get to her plot at the cemetary. This was on Dec. 5th. The family stayed as the casket was lowered into the vault and the lid sealed. I cried and cried and cried. Then came Christmas. While everyone tried to keep spirits upbeat there came "triggers".....that even the adults could not help but shed tears. Years later as I put up MY first tree as a newlywed.....my mind wandered and flooded with those years spent with my G-ma. I could not stop the tears. The same with going shopping in the town my aunt lived in. I had lived with her one winter when the travel to my own home (still living with my parents at the time) was impossible. She helped me learn what I needed to learn to do my first real full time job. Like her mother each and every birthday or special occasion there were cards. when she was diagnosised with an inoperable brain tumor.....I went very often after to work when she became bedridden. Selfish as it sounds I did not want to let her go.......that is how much I had come to depend on her. She too was very spiritual. As the disease began overtaking her, her eyes seemed always transfixed in one direction. Her thumb and index finger would rub togethor during these times and her lips seemed to be attempting to say something. No one seemed to figure this behavior out. At first it was a mystery to me. I followed the direction of her eyes one afternoon and realized the fixation was on a statue of the Blessed Virgin. The same look of deep meditation she'd had always had in Church. OMG.....she was saying her Rosary. So togethor we said those prayers. She has been gone 4 years. Just like with G-ma.........those memories hit.....they hit hard and out of the blue. I allow myself the privilege to cry. and always always there comes peace. As was stated before grief is a powerful emotion. And yes, I do believe we never totally get over the loss of those closest to us. Love has no boundaries....... To me the tears ARE very much two fold........tears stemming from the loss that we cannot physically be with those we cared so much about......and as you said tears of joy, and gratitude for the gifts they gave while living and the ones they left to us to carry and pass on to others. So when those times overwelm allow the tears and know that there are others who experience the same. Prayers and love, Wanda
Hi Joni Im so glad all of you shared what you did. It hits home with me like you wouldnt believe! Ive talked about my mom in the past and realized yesterday that I need to give our relationship a chance. I have a huge love/hate relationship with her and it just depends on what mood Im in at the time how feel about her. Im hoping to resolve alot of this with step 4.
Most of all Joni, youre post made me realize that I need to walk the walk here. I always tell people when a parent dies that at least you had a mom there for you. If I would only let mine be a part of my life I too would have that blessing. I could go on about this forever.
I have so much work to do on this!!! Uggghhh! Thanks for the reminder!
Glad you enjoyed your day with your aunt and just keep lovin her up!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thankyou for sharing your heart with us, Joni. I feel for your story & the burden you've carried all these years. I say that because to live without our own Mother for so long & wonder who she was would tire & hurt my heart often too despite of I thought Iwas numb. You show such courage to let yourself live & shine despite her absence, even outliving her age & I'm glad you take comfort in feeling you'll meet with her again.
I think those were some brave words from Dean I may not have been able to say myself. The inner~child work is good though I'm sure you've nurtured yourself in these ways over the years too. I'm grateful you've had your Aunty & you've so obviously had a gift in each other. Who's to know what may have been this way or that. I can only guess at the pain I'd have felt in similar circumstances & I can only be grateful my Mum's still here.
I've had a love/hate relationship with her in my younger years. Today I live with a forgiveness & acceptance of a kind with her. I have to because that's what it takes to get over my own needs & love her as she is. I learned how to love like this in recovery & that forgiveness itself heals me.
I love that you're where you are today, Joni. Your Mum gave you you life & maybe with that her life's purpose has been great. You're a wonderful example & credit to her & I'm proud of you too. I'm glad you're here, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
