UGH. I had expected to do quite well on my externship evaluation. Throughout the entire month and a half I was there at the cardiovascular group, I was given much praise and encouragement. I got along well with everyone, and excelled at clinical tasks.
But, My school externship coordinator called me today. I got a fricking C!!!!!!! She sited some things they wrote about my "refusal" to take patient calls about Coumadin dosing. I am not QUALIFIED to give advice about coumadin doses, a drug that stops clotting, where you can literally KILL a person if you give the wrong information. I chose to watch the other people at the site take those calls and handle them. I had suspected it was way beyond my scope of practice, anyway! (Never even learned about that in school. Never anything about Coumadin treatment... not in our realm of practice.) (Lani........ am I not right?) You cannot give advice about a medication like that unless you are an RN or a doctor. So yes, I avoided the liability of doing that, and I was never pulled aside and TOLD to do it, nor was I TAUGHT much about it.
I asked on many occasions through out my experience there if there were things I needed to work on to strengthen my skills. No one ever, EVER offered me any kind of criticism, which surprised me, because I was there to LEARN. I feel like if I left there with some weaknesses, it was the site's JOB to teach me. Am I wrong about this????
Anyway, I am glad I have a different JOB now, and I do not need them for a reference, nor any need to even LOOK at that crappy evaluation. It is water over the dam and not a damned thing I can do about it.
I just felt hurt, and definitely unpleasantly surprised. They had other Medical Assistants give me the evaluation, and not the office manager (who never paid any attention anyway). Some of these girls were worried about being laid off, as 2 people had already been laid off. So why would they ask THEM to evaluate a potential future-employee???
I just hate it when things catch you off guard like this. It was a big blow to my self-esteem, but I can learn from this. I can be more adament in my job about making sure to ask to be taught EVERYTHING I need to know, and pressing the issue of what I need to work on.
I called my sponsor. She reminded me of how bad we alcoholics can be about criticism and self-esteem. She reminded me to look at what is GOOD, TODAY. I have a great job that I would not trade for anything. I am being told that I am doing a "phenomenal" job, which is not something to take lightly. I am sober, and accountable, and have accomplished a great deal for someone who has walked in my drunken shoes.
So I send this negative evaluation to the wind, and say, "POOF".
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hey Joni Girl! Guess what? School, intership is over and now you are in the real world (again) with a real job!!!!! I too fretted about my grades towards the end of school as I had a 4.0 and ended up getting my first B!!!! I was floored! Pissed, surprized!!!! Being in the field now, no one has asked me what my grade point was, never used (oh, once) my teachers as references so it really didnt matter what grade I got! I got my degree period and worked damn hard for it as I know you did!
It will all be but a fading memory school and the experiences you are now having will have a bigger impact than anything else if you ever decide to move on!
It takes more than one persons opinion to bring us down! Example: My last job and the beatch(lol) I worked with. Yea, she didnt like me, yadyada...but my boss gave me a great reference and I got a great new job even tho I got fired! Whatever!!!!
So, hang in there! Keep doing a super job where your at and enjoy that you made it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cant let it get us down because Im finding: No one out there is as perfect as us!!!! lmao!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hey Joni, Concider looking at your reaction to this. I know that I expect to do every new thing perfectly, even though I've no experience with it. For me it's got everthing to do with approval seeking/validation. Of course with low self esteem, any kind of criticism isn't going to go over well with us. So some strangers, who may have been unqualified and possibly politically motivated, were overly critical about your performance, so what.
One thing that this brings up for me is that we get very comfortable in meetings and with others in the program, all of us trying to be as honest as we can, working on our character defects. As we interact with the real world, we somehow have expectations that all the other "earth people" are going to be doing that too, wrong! This is what I say to myself and how I explain these kinds of situations to my inner child, who gets really pissed when shit like this happens. "It's human nature to act like that", or "but for the grace of God go I". Yes that's letting them off the hook for the our own sake. If I excuse their behavior, I don't have to victimize myself over it. Remember, No villan, no victims.
Your sponsor is right, but it was still a tough break for you. But, Joni, you are and have been a great inspiration to me as I am studying and I thank you for that.
And, you now have a great job where you are valued and that's what matters.
Keep your chin up.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks, all, for the pep talk and the good old fashioned TRUTH, AA-style. Dean, you are so correct about expecting the rest of the world to act like it is an AA meeting. WRONG. therefore, I need to get to a REAL one, and today.
I just let it go, Louie. Last night I insisted on taking my mind as far away from evaluations and such as humanly possible. I bought and played a game for Nintendo Wii called, "Trauma Center: Second Opinion", where you are the futuristic surgeon, and you get to do all kinds of life-threatening/saving procedures, under the clock. LOL.... I know, MOST people do not unwind from a rough day by taking their "work" home via video game....????? LOLOL It was great fun though, and off to a meeting today, like I said.
You guys are awesome, and so is AA, and Life, when I look at the GOOD stuff. And oh... I recall WANTING to work at that Cardio group.... and was a little disappointed when they "were not hiring".... well, so glad I did not get it now. Apparently not enough communication there for me to function well. Got what I "needed", as usual. God is good.
My doc yesterday (employer) loaned me his very own "Dermatology Bible" from his office book shelf to take home with me, and he highlighted areas I might find interesting. That made me feel so good. Good things, and let the bad go, right?
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Playing that games seems a little like watching ER when I come home! Too much for me!!!!
I laughed when you said you so wanted to work at a certain place and it didnt happen! Ditto here and God sure knew what he was doing on that one! I have to remember...Im right where Im supposed to be!!!!
Yes, aa is like nothing else in the world! We can be who, what we are with no expectations!!!!
L
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
when you've finally "no big dealed" the evaluation, go back and see if/where perfectionism played a role in your disappointment. What I do, after I have one of these emotional implosions/explotion or dry drunks, is find the route cause (core issue) and then trace it back to where it started. For me, perfectionism began with my relationship to my father (Commander Collins USN). Some how, no matter how hard I tried, I was never "ship shape". Even when my "performance" was perfect, he'd find a way to tell me how it could've been better. At 13 years old, I said fuck this guy, and went about trying to make him as unhappy as possible. Long hair, smoking pot, riding motorcyles, skipping school, getting in trouble with the Law..... you know "sticking it to the man" lol
Hee hee....love that! Stickin it to the man!!!!!!! Showed him didnt you!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
LOL... Dean, I did a bit of that myself when young, although perhaps not as wild then as you were... I waited until I was out of the house for more of the drinking/smoking/motorcycle/rock-n-roll stuff..... LOL
But I was under extreme pressure as a young child to make everything ok for my father.... my mom died when I was 4, and I was the only child, and all the focus was on me... and everything had to be perfect... I understand what you are talking about. I do not blame him today, it is what it is and we get along wonderfully now thanks to God.
But one aspect of my perfectionism is that I acted so rotten when using, I now expect to be perfect. As if that were even possible. An old timer once said, "If you are expecting to be perfect, you are being arrogant in thinking that it is even POSSIBLE for you..."
Part of me tries to make up for lost time as well, even though I know that is erroneous thinking. It is imbedded within me and takes a long time for me and HP to root that one out.
Being the person I am today, who I am SUPPOSED to be, feels fraudulent at times. Like "if they only knew...." But the longer I can stay in recovery the better that will get, I am sure of it.
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
P.S. I did NOT get to the meeting today... got called in to work.... so..... studying for last certification tonight, and then to a meeting tomorrow after the test!! WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
my childhood situation was similar. It was like I was the only child because my older brother by 18 months was/is mentally challenged. That was hard on everyone because in the 60's it was somewhat of a stigma to have an imperfect child, and the tendancy was to try and hide it. Thus my brother was away at special schools/institutions and well I was supposed to make up for it somehow by over achieving. Nothing was ever said but that was the underlying message. My mother didn't pass away physically but she did mentally. 2 nervous breakdowns, alcoholism and drug addictions, eating disorders. So she was very disfunctional, slept most of the day and night, neglecting general house wife responsibilites.
I remember clearly telling her not to ever cook for me again (she burned everthing) by age 7. She was oddly OK with that, and so was I.
Getting back to perfectionism. Our disease promotes this, because, with an "all or nothing" attitude, it can set us up to fail, so we'll drink to get over it. Very dangerous stuff. The best thing (cure) for it is to spontaneously do new stuff, with the object of having an average outcome, perhaps even "fair".
Your description of from "rotten to perfect" reminds me of John Bradshaw's description of parents that swing from the extremes of "super human to sub human". "super human" meaning perfect and incapable of being wrong/making a mistake". "sub human" meaning acting with malice and delivering abuse.
A great part of working the steps is to reduce our ego down to right size..."a worker amongst workers"....NOT "either wanting to be on top, or hide underneath". Excepting our "humaness" is akin to developing a healthy sense of shame as in "I am a human being and I have/can/and will make mistakes". And I add this caveat, "especially when I learning something or doing it for the first time". Once we learn how to lighten up and give ourselves a break, we can and will feel like doing it for everyone else.
Wow, terrific stuff, Dean. I really like Bradshaw. I also enjoyed a book I read by Dr. Wayne Dyer called "Your Erroneous Zones". That was a terrific description of how we can make ourselves mad by the unproductive ways we think.
I have a long way to go. I am really trying, though. Letting go is the hardest part, as usual.
The thing you mentioned, about "The best thing (cure) for it is to spontaneously do new stuff, with the object of having an average outcome, perhaps even "fair"....... ACK!! Spontaneous, new things? I could only do things like that when I was drinking. Seriously. I do not have any desire nor even THOUGHT about trying anything I have not "mastered" (if even only "mastered" in my OWN mind.... tut tut)
That is a tough one. I guess my fear of failure runs so deep, I cannot get out there and just DO without placing an expectation on my performance. Like I said, I have a long way to go.... that is an interesting idea, though... trying something new and spontaneous... like all that stuff I keep saying I want to do but don't. Yoga. Gardening. Fishing in the river down the street........
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
An old timer once said, "If you are expecting to be perfect, you are being arrogant in thinking that it is even POSSIBLE for you..." I really like this.
Dean, I love your counsel.
Joni, rolling with the punches again, honey!!!! Yeah, I wish the rest of the world was on a Program lol Feels great to let go & get over pride & know that our self worth isn't contingent on other people's actions & attitudes, isn't it? Tho, saying that.. A sharing of ES&H with another member still gives a wicked boost ;) Well Done besides, Joni. I don't think any of this is going to be any reflection on how you function in your work today anyway. You're a great learner & a fantastic example to me. To return the favour can I give you a pointer & tell you I've been doing Yoga since late February in time for my quitting smokes 1st Mar & have been smoke~free & bendy ever since! It feels Fantastic! I only get to one or two classes a week but it feels a great part of my recovery & fulfills me right up from deep levels. I absolutely love it. It's obviously good for suppleness, strength & flexibility but also great for stress & relaxing emotional stuff. A totally awesome gift to self. Let me give you a nudge ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Wow, thanks for the nudge, Danielle!! I am searching for a way to "be still" without that just being taking a nap!!! ROFL. A friend has recently started yoga as well, and she cannot say enough about how awesome it is for her and her recovery.
I am so proud of you for quitting smoking too!! I quit for 99 days via Chantix last fall, before an alc relapse. I cannot take CHX again, (per my doc, my therapist, me family, etc... lol), and hearing that Yoga has helped you with that is really encouraging!
There is a class close by, only a $5 donation per class, and I may just have to try it out. Ok, I can hear Dean saying, in my head.... "Don't THINK about it... just GO".... lol
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
"When you die, there is a line to get into heaven and a line for the lecture on heaven. All the codependents (most alcoholics are also codependents) get in the line for the lecture, so that they can figure it all out before they get there" - John Bradshaw
