Hey All, I am an alcoholic that has just slipped and I am sober today. Since 1984, I have had long sober periods (like as in 5 years) and then a one day slip, followed by remorse, then conviction, and then a very happy life. Its like I need to prove to myself how bad it is to slip. My first and only "group" was my parents who have passed away, and the one day slips I had were (thankfully) only minorly embarassing with no trouble with the law. The problem is that reciently, I have had a slip that was actually a 2 day slip which did not make me sick. I bought the low alcohol mixed drinks from a convience store and the only after affects were the feelings of depression and slothfulness that accompany booze. I normally have a hangover and the desire to be clean gets me back on the wagon for a long period (as I say, more than 5 years.) I guess I have had about 5 slips in the years. Yesterday, after about 4 drinks, I was off to the store to buy more booze, (because you know once you start, you need your supply) when I prayed to my higher power for help--not because I was sick, but because I knew I was "hiding" my drinking and I knew it was wrong. I actually asked my deceased Father to help me--like in our old group sessions. I turned around and went home to sleep, and when I woke up from the mid day nap, I started the program again. I have never been a group member, but I really got a lot out of these forums (which I found last night) Just thought I would write this down. Thanks for being out there.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I have a feeling that being here can be very helpful - especially during those times when we feel alone in the struggle.
Glad to see you were able to turn things around without the ole bag of regrets that so often comes along with a slip. It looks like your Dad is still looking out for you. That has to be nice to know.
glad that you made it back. But I'm puzzled by what you "made it back" to?
Dean
Me too. Without a lengthy post, after slipping in the past, after getting past the physical sickness, mentaly I realized that after my slip, I needed to tell someone I had been sneaking a day of drinking. After I did that, I was able to run the 12 steps pretty quickly, because since I only seem to slip for 1 day after a number of years, there is not a lot to finish 12 steps wise. After a couple days, I am back to normal, (sober and thankful) and no one in the community even knew I slipped. I am sitting around today in a "state of grace" where the sun is brighter and the flowers smell sweeter and I realize things do not to be complex. Hopefully, I never slip again but take each day....
-- Edited by turninggrey at 14:41, 2008-04-22
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I relapsed repeatedly, for the first two years, never getting past 2 months. But then miraculously, after my x-wife and I split up in the summer of '89, I haven't felt the need to go back out since . So, although I know what it's like to relapse and come back in, pick up a white chip (I've go over a dozen on them in my chip jar) and start over, I don't know what it's like to have years and go out. By the grace of my HP, I hope I won't have to find out.
turnninggrey, I guess if you looking for a way to make this your last time out, you need to sell yourself on the benefits of staying in, and the risks that you're taking (and what you have to loose) if you go out again. I'd say that you've been exceedingly fortunate (and getting away with it for the most part) but luck is like a faucet that can (and does) suddenly shut off, kinda like musical chairs and your the one standing up at the end and maybe the people seated are going somewhere that you're not. There's no good or bad in all of this, just actions and consequences. What varies is the factor that controls the degree of the consequences here. It's like the wheel of misfortune that can not be predicted. I really hope that you'll figure it out. As you know this disease kills people, and when they least expect it. My HP is not the "punishing" kind, but yours might be
Welcome turning grey: Glad to see you posting and sharing some of yourself with us. Sounds like you have the tools to use to remind yourself that you are an alcoholic. Just need to use them before you take the drink! Maybe change things up a bit and get a home group. Instead of "running" the steps, try working them harder. Just my two cents. Sounds like sobriety is something you really enjoy and know how great it can be! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome to MIP, Turning&Barrel. Great to have you here! I hope you both keep coming back so we can share more ES&H with each other. I'll have some more time to get to know you a little later in the week. In the meantime, I'm really glad you're here & posting. Hope to hear more from the two of you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Thanks all. Yes, I do enjoy sobriety!!!! As a matter of fact, when I have slipped, I have been alone and working on projects that are mundane. Its not like I am out on the town and partying. I have been VERY fortunate, and yes, I need to work the 12 steps vs. "running" them like a checklist. My HP has a sense of humor and is very understanding of human weakness and very responsive to giving help to those who call on Him and let Him into their lives. I really like this forum. I am fairly reclusive and maybe a little AD so I do not do well at meetings.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Thank you for the welcome, Danielle. I am happy to be here - it seems like this forum has been very helpful for many. I do plan to attend meetings as well.
I'm grateful that such a site exists and that I was able to find it!
In reading about your one day slips over the years, I'm reminded of something my sponsor shares often at meetings, and it makes so much sense to me.
You see, he has over 27 years sober, and hasn't found it necessary to go back out and drink, and I will tell you why.
His sponsor, who already had 30 years sober and was a no-nonsense, give-it-to-you-straight kind of guy, told him we've all got this punch ticket our HP gives us in life.
On one side are our drunks, on the other side are the sobering ups.
Any of us who are dyed in the wool alcoholics know that we have another drunk left in us should we make that choice.
However, at some point we run out of sober ups on that punch ticket.
Personally, I had to go back out and research some more after 4 years in AA. I was drunk in my mind a good 90 days prior to physically picking up that drink. The alcoholic in my brain was also telling me I'd just 'tie one on' for good, and then hop right back into the program!
Needless to say that experiment failed quite miserably, and I spent two months out there binge drinking, and experiencing the worst fear, anguish, guilt, and remorse in between binges.
It is only by God's grace that I did finally make it back to the rooms of AA, and I am convinced I do NOT have another sobering up left on my punch ticket.
This disease is progressive, and my experiment back in 1990 taught me that.
I look forward to reading your posts.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
In reading about your one day slips over the years, I'm reminded of something my sponsor shares often at meetings, and it makes so much sense to me.
You see, he has over 27 years sober, and hasn't found it necessary to go back out and drink, and I will tell you why.
His sponsor, who already had 30 years sober and was a no-nonsense, give-it-to-you-straight kind of guy, told him we've all got this punch ticket our HP gives us in life.
On one side are our drunks, on the other side are the sobering ups.
Any of us who are dyed in the wool alcoholics know that we have another drunk left in us should we make that choice.
However, at some point we run out of sober ups on that punch ticket.
Personally, I had to go back out and research some more after 4 years in AA. I was drunk in my mind a good 90 days prior to physically picking up that drink. The alcoholic in my brain was also telling me I'd just 'tie one on' for good, and then hop right back into the program!
Needless to say that experiment failed quite miserably, and I spent two months out there binge drinking, and experiencing the worst fear, anguish, guilt, and remorse in between binges.
It is only by God's grace that I did finally make it back to the rooms of AA, and I am convinced I do NOT have another sobering up left on my punch ticket.
This disease is progressive, and my experiment back in 1990 taught me that.
I look forward to reading your posts.
Outstanding post! I have been very lucky. The "alcoholic in my brain" is very slippery. I plan on keeping the demon in check through the program and never forgetting the demon is there. Another lucky thing in this slip was 24 years of a close relationship with my HP where with each drink, each sip, I could feel His presence and although I tried to reason it away, the program saved me because of the awareness of my HP that the program provided me. Thanks for the support. I know I am new here, but my job keeps me on the road and I am glad to have such "mobile support" Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Meetings is just a part of "the Fellowship of AA". We get what we need to hear in AA through the experiences of others and we share what's going on with us and usually hear that many others have been through the same, which reduces our fear and feelings of uniqueness. The large dimension of AA (IMO) is the "Fellowship" where we make real friends (including our sponsors) that support each other in staying sober, but also provides a group of people to associate with. This extra curicular activity replaces drinking activity. So what I'm saying is that you're leaving the majority of the program on the table by skipping meetings, sponsorship, and the fellowship. The fellowship relationships replace your relationship to alcohol.
You've basically created a custom program for Tom that's proven unreliable. I did the same for 2 years, worst two years of my life. I hope you'll take another shot at meetings, sponsorship, and fellowship. With all the traveling you do, there are meetings in every town, city, country. It's nice to go to a strange place and be welcomed by a room full of people. I've been to meetings all over the world. Even meetings where I couldn't understand a word that was said, but I could feel the pain, frustration, love and support. I even spoke at a meeting in Costa Rica with an interpretor, which was very cool.
Meetings is just a part of "the Fellowship of AA". We get what we need to hear in AA through the experiences of others and we share what's going on with us and usually hear that many others have been through the same, which reduces our fear and feelings of uniqueness. The large dimension of AA (IMO) is the "Fellowship" where we make real friends (including our sponsors) that support each other in staying sober, but also provides a group of people to associate with. This extra curicular activity replaces drinking activity. So what I'm saying is that you're leaving the majority of the program on the table by skipping meetings, sponsorship, and the fellowship. The fellowship relationships replace your relationship to alcohol.
You've basically created a custom program for Tom that's proven unreliable. I did the same for 2 years, worst two years of my life. I hope you'll take another shot at meetings, sponsorship, and fellowship. With all the traveling you do, there are meetings in every town, city, country. It's nice to go to a strange place and be welcomed by a room full of people. I've been to meetings all over the world. Even meetings where I couldn't understand a word that was said, but I could feel the pain, frustration, love and support. I even spoke at a meeting in Cost Rica with an interpretor, which was very cool.
Dean
Very true. I have been very lucky for years, but I will go to the local meetings. My "custom program" obviously failed me, and with oil at $120 a barrel, I can see some stress coming down the pike. My program worked for awhile, but I do feel the need to meet with others and "work" the 12 steps. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Hi TG I can almost hear the joy and excitement in your posts! Im glad you have the desire tp give this an honest go! You will be so happy you did it!
Happy your here!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
. So, although I know what it's like to relapse and come back in, pick up a white chip (I've go over a dozen on them in my chip jar) and start over, I don't know what it's like to have years and go out. By the grace of my HP, I hope I won't have to find out.