We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as self-care. Self-care is not, as some may think, a spin off of the Me generation. It isn't self-indulgence. It isn't selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.
We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.
Self-care sometimes means, me first, but usually, me too. It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.
Self-care means learning to love the person we're responsible for taking care of - ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.
Self-care isn't selfish; it's self-esteem.
Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.
From The Language of Letting Go
__________________
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
BR, I always thought that the "it's a selfish program" related that the benefits of working the steps were realized by ourselves. Most alcoholics believe that anything that they are compelled, required, or routinely suggested to do (including rules and traditions) were for the benefit of others. It seems that when you hear "it's a selfish program" it's context is usually sarcastic , and follows another "suggestion" like "it's better to give a resentment, then to get one"
This is so true. One time in early experience with sobriety, I was putting the cart before the horse and trying to help everyone out there but I was running from getting ME together.
My sponsor and I have talked many times about coming into AA and also starting to heal from codependency, and she described it as like being on a pendulum. My pendulum swung so far toward codependency and caretaking, that once I started to learn to take care of myself, the pendulum swung way too far in the other direction, to where I said "NO" 99% of the time. I always felt selfish, but my sponsor just kept urging me to keep saying "NO" until I felt ok with the concept. (incidently, it was when I learned how to say no, that I met my somewhat balanced husband... go figure!! All things in their time, right?)
Now my pendulum swings still a bit in relationships, but it is closer to the center and not so extreme. I have learned a lot about giving and receiving, and balance in relationships. I have learned how to detach from both overly-needy and overly-controlling individuals and behaviors. I can see my own changes, simply by looking at the kind of people I attract nowadays. There are a lot less extreme people in my life, and a lot more balanced ones now.
We alcoholics and CODAs are very extreme people. Sometimes we have to revel in a bit of selfishness toward our own healing and recovery in order to grow toward the ideal.
__________________
~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I found this true with my hubby...Dont know why but I was always kinda afraid to be honest or tell him what I needed. Now that we have alot more trust in each other, I can feel free to say what I need! Not always perfect but a heck of alot better than it was! He;s still a "man" afterall!!!lol
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I didn't think you were being sarcastic, Baton. The seeming paradox had puzzled me too for a long time tho I think I'm gaining more acceptance & understanding around these issues now. Thanks for a great post, Carol. And everyone's ES&H. Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
