A refusal to comply with or satisfy a request.

A refusal to grant the truth of a statement or allegation; a contradiction.
Law. The opposing by a defendant of an allegation of the plaintiff.

A refusal to accept or believe something, such as a doctrine or belief.
Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.
The act of disowning or disavowing; repudiation.
Abstinence; self-denial.


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We are born with certain basic traits and characteristics that do not go away however we wish. They are those that come with genes and inheritance, which we cannot change and need to accept and cope with, if necessary, for our inner peace and happiness. Then we have some qualities and aspects of behavior, which we develop as we grow. Some of them are determined very early in the age, before we even knew what was happening. They usually become an integral part of our core mentality and stay for the rest of our lives. They determine our basic personality types and how we behave in different situations. That is they determine whether we become extroverts or introverts, whether we are sensitive or intuitive, how we think and feel, how we relate ourselves with the external world and how we interpret our experiences both within and without. Many of these core aspects of our personalities are difficult to change, without time consuming therapy and years of effort, which few can really afford, much less cope with.

Despite this, there are many aspects of our personalities, which we can change, without the need of a therapist and with some regular practice. There are certain areas in our personalities which are not very difficult to change and by changing which we can achieve a greater control over our lives and behavior. We can change the pattern of our lives and recreate ourselves in certain ways. In this article we try to analyze this aspect and explore the various ways by which we can accomplish this goal.

Becoming aware of yourself.

This is the first step: to develop a conscious, realistic and objective awareness of our behavior, movements, thoughts, emotions, attitudes and feelings. To be truly aware of ourselves is the key to understand the source from which we initiate our actions and create our reality. It demands a great deal of practice and patience on our part for its fruition. Without proper awareness of the self, the need to change may not even arise. This is actually the case with many people who live rather unconscious lives without experiencing the need to improve themselves in some substantial way for a better life or more meaningful existence.

Developing true awareness of oneself is however is not easy. The way the mind is organized and the mysterious ways in which it works and regulates our thinking mechanism is by itself a major stumbling block to our awareness of our true selves. The mind tends to shield us from our own judgments by preventing us from taking an objective and rationale view of ourselves. It does this basically to make us feel good about ourselves and also because it helps us to deal with the complex issues of life in a simple way. Since the mind needs to process a lot of information that keeps flowing into the system through the incessant activity of the senses, it devises various ways and means to organize this information and relate it in some meaningful way to our existing awareness and view points. The result is we perceive reality not as what it is but in the framework of how the mind works and organizes the information. This is where each individual develops his or her own world views and ways of comprehending reality and this is how he or she develops his or her own unique character and personality.

So the first step in trying to change oneself is to understand this very basic process of how the mind processes the incoming information and how it organizes this information. What illusions, shortcuts, stereotypes, and frames of reference the mind uses to deal with the otherwise perplexing and overwhelming information is the key to understand our behavior and change ourselves effectively.

To be aware of one self means to be free from the many illusions one develops over a period of time about oneself. It is a process where one assiduously examines the consciousness itself and how it has been molded and shaped by the methods of the mind from an early age. It is a conscious and deliberate effort to know the truth as it is, not as the mind want us to believe. This is not an easy process because to arrive at the truth you need to remove the many mental blinds and defensive mechanisms that your mind has built consciously or consciously for a very long period of time.

To the extent you are honest with yourself, to the extent you feel the need to develop an objective awareness of yourself and to the extent you succeed in detaching yourself from the routine methods of your mind so that you can look at yourself with a mirror like precision, you succeed in becoming truly aware of yourselves and your personality. True, as said earlier, this is not an easy process, though it looks simple. It is difficult for you to be objective in matters concerning yourself, but objectivity is what is most required in this case. To accomplish this task you need to understand your own own mind and use it against itself. However, there are some fundamental ways in which you can accomplish this goal. We deal with a few in the following paragraphs.

Develop a quiet mind. This is the starting point. The mind cannot concentrate, if it is disturbed. Without concentration you cannot focus on the movements of your mind and understand and interpret your reality in an objective and detached way. So a quiet mind is an essential prerequisite on our road to change. You need to cultivate a mind that is calm and composed amidst intense activity and not disturbed easily by the events that happen around you. You can develop such an awareness through deliberate and conscious practice and persistence. The best way to accomplish it is by developing detachment.

Develop a center of awareness within yourself from where you can observe the movements of your body and mind as if they are separate from you. Use your senses effectively. Instead of allowing them to roam around aimlessly and bring in huge amounts of garbage and keeping your mind busy with it, turn your senses inward to observe the physical, mental and spiritual parts of your personality. Feel your heart, the lungs, the limbs, the head and the various parts of your body. Notice from time to time which parts of your body are tensed up, in which part of your body you have lost dynamism and control and allowed it grow disproportionately or become lazy through disuse. Look at yourself as if you are watching another person and how this new person is dealing with different situations. Change the point of your observation from the center of yourself, to a place outside yourself, preferably to a point high above, from where you can look at yourself and everything else in an all observing awareness, as if you are watching life from a wider angle, of which you are but a part.

Become aware of your physical self. Your physical self is your immediate self. Your body is the bridge that connects you to the world you in which you live. Since it is your visible self, it defines you to others, what you are and how you look like. Because of this in many ways it also decides the quality of your experiences and the fate of your relationships with the outside world. Over a period time, for one reason or the other we develop a number of illusions about our physical appearance. This sometimes lead to some unhappy situations. If you have an accurate picture of your physical appearance in your mind, it will help you resolve many issues related to your physical fitness as well as your sense of well being. You can learn to deal realistically with such problems of your physical self as your weight, appearance, dress sense, composure, physical fitness, eating habits, mannerisms and so on.

Exercise: Think what illusions you have about your physical self. Have you learned to accept gracefully the physical changes that have taken place in you over the years?. Becoming aware of your illusions helps you improve your physical appearance and deal with the problems of aging and growing realistically. You will learn to cope with the changes that come with age and accept yourself with dignity and understanding. Develop a true picture of your physical self as accurately as possible in your mind's eye. Become aware of your physical needs. Become aware of the many false notions you have about appearances in general and to what extent they are interfering with your life and your relationships.

Become aware of your Mental Self: Your thoughts, your desires, your attitude, your emotions, your rationality, your life's goals and ambition, your memory, your senses, your sense of self, your ideals and ideas, and much more that is hidden and yet to be understood constitute your mental self. To become aware of the mental self is perhaps the most difficult task we may never be able to accomplish with complete success.

But with some effort you can build roads into your inner world and improve your awareness of your mental self. Practice conscious self observation. See how your thoughts, feelings and emotions rise and float in your consciousness, as you spend the day performing different tasks. See what is happening inside your mind as you interact with different people and situations and when you are all alone with no one around. How much of your behavior is put up to cope with the ways of the world? Become aware of the motives and the hidden desires behind your words and actions and what actually prompts you to take decisions and solve problems. Examine carefully what you usually suppress and what you normally express before others, which parts of your physical or mental self you like or dislike and wish to change and so on.

As you become aware of yourself, you learn to cope with reality and accept yourself with dignity. With such realistic awareness, you gain better control over yourself, your actions and relationships. You will realize that your inner peace comes not by closing your eyes to some aspects of you or by ignoring them, but by developing a true awareness of yourself: your limitations as well as your true potentialities. You learn to appreciate your strengths and work out realistic means to compensate for your shortcomings or overcome your weaknesses.