Last night was my first time meeting with my sponsor, supposedly to start working on the steps. As I drove there, I felt more and more anxious, then mad, then scared and sad. I started to cry. I didn't want to go. I sat in my car outside of her house for a while. It was like I was physically unable to move, but finally I did and walked to the door. She saw me coming and her face immediately went from a smile to concern. I guess she could see that something was really wrong. I sat on her couch and cried like I haven't cried since I was a kid. Worse than when my parents died, or when I almost died. I finally managed to talk a bit. I didn't think any of it made much sense, but I tried to describe my deep, deep fears. She really understood. I believed her when she said she knew exactly how I felt because she had been there 11 years ago. She wants to know me. That terrifies me. I don't know who I am. I've played so many roles, since such a young age, for various reasons -- survival, mostly. I'm sure many of you know what I mean.
I feel like I had the first real, honest conversation with another person in my life. It was profound.
wow, that's great stuff Jen. thanks for sharing that. sounds like you are surrendering after all this time. no more need to run away from this "stuff". It's time to "drop the rock". "we're only as sick as our secrets". the funny thing is, that those that are around us know anyway. once we get this stuff out in the open, it deflates. once we hear others aknowledge, validate, and share their similar experiences. our uniqueness fades and we're "ready to rejoin the human race" as an average person rather than this polar all or nothing personality.
Jen, that's an amazing experience that you've shared with us. A real letting go of all the bonds & weights inside that we carry inside us dragging us down & making us need that god~damning escape of oblivion in drink. I hung onto so much even after my own rockbottom & to learn to trust another human being with the deepdown grief that's been inside for so long truly is like a great surrender & it's this experience that frees us from our self-centered fear into its opposite of self-acceptance.
My Sponsor is the first tangible experience I've had of unconditional love, besides my parents (who didn't have a program & passed on many of their hurts & damaging to me though I no longer blame for that part) even theirs I didn't feel was completely unconditional. The other experience I feel is that in meetings where we learn to share & speak our inner truths in the company of others who understand & are trying for the same sober life.
Today, I've been learning that my higher power is a form of unconditional love that I allow into my life too. It's like having a battle between my heart & my head. My heart is where my truth & higher power comes from & my head is where my disease & self-loathing comes from. On a daily basis I use my program & AA as referee between the two with a surrender of the negativity to be kind & learn to actively care for & about myself. Then I have this to give & share with others.
One of the first things I learned in AA was that my tears were healing tears of joy. That as I let go & got honest about what was troubling me, my spiritual malady, I found that sharing them & being understood meant that I could let them go. All of this still confused me cuz even in the letting go I was terrified of being so vulnerable but I found that as I did that's where my strength, joy & sunlight of spirit came from.
We didn't destroy ourselves in one day & it will take many days & efforts to make all that old pain right but if we keep on putting one foot in front of the other & trusting in our Sponsors, fellowship, HP & program all of these joys will continue to come. Before I came into recovery I felt I had to boost myself up from such ego to be happy. Today, my happiness comes from surrender, gratitude (& as much as I can) humility.
Well done in being courageous & taking that leap of faith of getting out of you car & knocking on her door. Your grace in letting go & humility in sharing it with her will have helped her greatly too. All that suffering she felt a long time ago will have been healed again & another time over because the two of you shared & do share recognition. It's a beautiful feeling to know we're not alone. Well done, Jen. Thanks for sharing with me today too. You're a massive inspiration. Keep on doing what you're doing. Thankyou, Danielle x
__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
