Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
From The Language of Letting Go
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Beautiful timing again, Carol. Thanks for posting, Q!x I wrote this in my share regarding my new relationship & it's the principles of recovery as taught to me through my Sponsor & all the reading, listening & practicing I do of the Program that are helping me in my conduct, attitude & relating to him in particular. I've heard it said many times in meetings that people came in not knowing how to live & the 12Steps have given them a set of tools to hone & polish every day. Hearing this from people I respected in fellowship, & their humility alone won my respect, meant that I could have the courage to get past my own pride & arrogance & admit that I wasn't too hot on it either. When I let that guard down & became openminded & willing, life began to change. I began to change & all of this seems definitely to be achieved by a rigorous & vigilant honesty. Thanks for being here & helping me with everyone's ES&H. I'm working it Today, Danielle x
*It's 1Day@aTime & it's all thanks to AA & this program that has & is teaching me how to love from my inside out. It's teaching me how to love, care for, respect & take care of me & that in turn helps me to be more loving & less selfish in a good way. It's a funny program cuz on the one hand it seems selfish in a taking care of me first sense but then it's in order to be of better & more helpful service. I've found recovery difficult to understand as far as giving & receiving is concerned. Do we take care of ourselves first & then give to others or do we give to others, get out of ourselves & then we can feel better? I've found there's a strange balance inside all of this & it can be confusing cuz I haven't wanted to think I'm people pleasing when I think I'm helping.*
Your post has answered this nicely ;) Happy Sober Day xxx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
