Alcoholics Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> A new relationship
Post Info TOPIC: A new relationship
Sobrietyspell


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 3057
Date:
A new relationship
Permalink  
 

Happy Sober Day, my dear Sobervibers. I thought I'd share something of my news with you. As of last Thursday I am taking a relationship with someone I've known in fellowship since he came in around 8mths ago. He's been in active in his addictions for years, hyper & reckless & was on his way to a serious case of death having survived 6 events of such & being brought back to life. On the last day of his drinking he felt he got a special touch from his HP & joined AA the next day. He came in & got the Program straight away, reading all the literature, working with his Sponsor, sharing at meetings & just generally doing everything as suggested.

We met at his first meeting & he told me he'd dreamed of me the night before. I thought he was being a boy & trying to flatter me so I laughed it off & simply welcomed him into the fellowship (It turns out later he really had & we'd been supping non~alcoholic drinks together as casual as you please, he hadn't meant romantically at that time!) Anyway, ever since, it's been wonderful to listen to him share & watch him grow. I've been getting on with my own thing, making my own mistakes & staying single to develop my sense of my own HP. I've had loads of space & time to grow & work with my Sponsor though it hasn't been relentless. I've not hit the Steps running through one after the other consecutively but I can give myself credit for working on my recovery everyday.

I kept my new friend at a distance given the soft spot he obviously had for me & I gave us both a wide berth due to early recovery. Last February I went as far as to give him my facebook details so to connect up online yet still from afar which we did & then I gave him my number a couple of weeks ago. We went for dinner during an AA Convention last weekend & then this Thursday we chatted by phone & I told him I cared about him too. This was a huge leap for me cuz I was hoping to stay single another 6mths or so but something inside seemed to know venturing forward with him would be ok.

I've shared it with my sponsor & a few close friends to check & make sure my motives are all good & as far as I can tell they are. I have doubted myself cuz I've lied to myself in the past & come from a really needy place but I don't feel like that right now. I feel like recovery has been teaching me how to take care of me first with my HP, Sponsorship, fellowship, program & meetings & doing the next right things. It felt right with him straight away in that chat or I don't think it would have gone there. I've had some fears & misgivings since but they seem to have come more from my own worrying head than anything else & I'm learning not to project or be paranoid.

The most beautiful thing about it is that I feel I can be myself with him honestly today without having to tell him every God damn thing about me in like 5 seconds. I trust & respect him & he's treated me like a queen ever since we met. I suppose this is the one thing that I am worried about. Because he's been so nice to me, am I with him for that seemingly selfish reason rather than being with him for him & I know this isn't true. I really am into him for him. Not 'just' because I think he'll be good for me! I'm taking care of my own needs so I'm not looking to him for a rescue of any kind though saying that, I really do & am enjoying the feeling of being safe with him.

It's 1Day@aTime & it's all thanks to AA & this program that has & is teaching me how to love from my inside out. It's teaching me how to love, care for, respect & take care of me & that in turn helps me to be more loving & less selfish in a good way. It's a funny program cuz on the one hand it seems selfish in a taking care of me first sense but then it's in order to be of better & more helpful service. I've found recovery difficult to understand as far as giving & receiving is concerned. Do we take care of ourselves first & then give to others or do we give to others, get out of ourselves & then we can feel better? I've found there's a strange balance inside all of this & it can be confusing cuz I haven't wanted to think I'm people pleasing when I think I'm helping.

It's a funny one & just for today, somewhere inside I am learning the differences & truths in all of these questions (& in their chicken & egg aspects!) I wanted to share with you what's going on for me. I have been apprehensive but I'm also feeling good about it & exercising my recovery in this too. I'm hanging onto the thought that recovery is to continue in coming first. Anything I put in front of recovery I know I will risk losing. A relationship is a hefty undertaking & I'm not doing so lightly. I'm trusting in my HP & for me to be careful. I'm also feeling happy & joyful without any giddy jubilance that I used to aim for when new in a relationship I hoped could be the answer to life, the universe & everything. For me, for today, I'm simply happy to work on me & this, just for now, amongst my many spinning plates & do everything I choose to do Just 4 Today.

I did the main share at a women's group this evening & just cried the whole way through. Healing tears of joy. Touching truths from my childhood & hope gained from the 12Steps. It's all good. I feel peaceful today. I suppose on some level I am asking for a blessing cuz maybe my own's not enough! That good old approval seeking again lol At least I've caught myself at it! Thanks for letting me share. I hope everything's getting well with you too, Danielle x

__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
StPeteDean


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 6464
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi Danielle,
I'd like to say that I'm happy for you, and I'm am. It sounds like you're already aware of the challenges that you (and he) will face, with regards to putting your life and your sobriety first, and standing on your own two feet emotionally. I think that the pitfalls are using each other for a sponsor. If either of you start whinning at each other, tell the other one to take it to their sponsor or a meeting.

I guess the big thing about relationships in early recovery is not to take it too seriously. Be each others friend first second and third, have fun, but maintain your current life (don't loose yourself to the relationship). I think warning signs are obsessing/thinking about the relationship too much,or using it to mood alter feelings. That's a big one. I worked hard (still do) on taking care of myself emotionally. If I'm not feeling well or centered, I don't need to be going out and leaning on my girlfriend/wife ( emotionally or physically weirdface) to make me feel better about life or me, but rather work on that stuff as if the relationship didn't exist. I hope this makes sense. 

Lastly, it's important to realize that most relationships will come to an end because we won't marry everyone that we date.  Learning how and when to end them, in the dating portion of the relationship, is important.  When I was where you're at in my recovery, I was also attending coda, so I was working on setting boundaries and ending relationships.  I did a lot of dating that never got past a couple of outings. I kept them in the "friend zone" while I was keenly evaluating who they really were and trying not to create an image of them (to put on a pedistal).  With the ones that got past the "friend zone"  I told them that with being in early sobriety, I wasn't going to be  very available and that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship.  Several lost interest because I was moving too slowly for them, which was a pleasent surprise.  Well that's probably more than you bargained for Danielle.  Good luck and have fun.

Dean

smilesmile

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 21:57, 2008-04-08

__________________

 Gratitude = Happiness!





lani


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 1893
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi Danielle:
First thing that grabbed me was, "I trust & respect him & he's treated me like a queen ever since we met...." I hate to tell you but, YOU do deserve to be treated like a queen!!!! Isnt that a nice change! I think we get so down on ourselves that we dont respect or love ourselves enough to just take it and run with it!! Great news and you sound so happy! You have the right motives and youve grown alot the last few months! Keep doing what your doing and who knows where it will take you!

Im glad you shared your new adventure with us! It is a huge step but one you sound ready for. It can be challenging having a partner in the program but as my husband and I are both in, its worked out well. We do have to remind each other on occassions (more him then me!!) that I have my program and he has his!! But its nice being on the same page with each other!

So, good luck!!!!!!
lani

__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
jonijoni


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 540
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yay Danielle!!!! Enjoy yourselves, and stick close to the program!! I have seen relationships where both members are in AA, that are a disaster, but I have also seen them blossom and flourish, and last forever. I hope yours proves to be lovely!!!


((((hugs))))
joni

__________________

~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Tina


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 295
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi danielle

I'm so happy for you both, and may each day of ur new relationship grow one day at a time...

Hugs

Tina

__________________
tina
Tuggboat


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 211
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yeah, Glad for ya. My sponsor met his wife In AA. Still married but not without some difficulties. But not without some fun, fellowship and love too. They both actively work the program and help many others.

Lets hope this guy can keep you from getting bored. :) Be careful you don't let him drag you to deep into the program. If you don't watch it you'll be doing conferences and service work, watch a fellowship grow up about you, see hopeless people giving hope, gather a host of friends all around the country and globe while people line up to shake your hand and be your pal.

Gotta watch out for guys like that. ;)

__________________
Second Wind
Sobrietyspell


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 3057
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thankyou all for your attentive care. It's so good not to be alone in this fellowship & I'm proud to speak of you with friends in this city's fellowship too. I'm just back from quite a visit with him & he's beautiful. Even better than I met in meetings. He simply shines & it's a joy to know where he is today especially to where he's been before. He's living proof that AA can do its best when taken well. I feel honoured to be with & capable of being with him. It's a far cry from this time last year & that's how much the program has helped me to grow too. It's important that I can recognise that. LOL@Tuggboat.. Loved your words & think you hit the nail on the head there. Yes, I must be very careful ;) lol Just for Today.. Thankyou for your support. It strengthens with my HP too! Danielle x 

__________________
Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> A new relationship