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Post Info TOPIC: 18months Today ~ Thanks to AA :)
Sobrietyspell


MIP Old Timer

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18months Today ~ Thanks to AA :)
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Dear MIP.. Happy April Fools.. It's my 18mth mark & I'm going to celebrate by giving out alot of shit really. I need to get all the crap that I've been living with in my head outa here so that I can find some way to move on.. United, in fellowship (not alone) & entirely capable of making it 1Day@aTime with you by my side.

I keep wanting to make a break for it. To run away, leave AA & get on with it. I hate AA sometimes. I feel like it brings out the worst in me, in my insecurities & in having to wear the label alcoholic. My pride is huge & I never came to AA thinking of myself as an alcoholic. I came knowing alcohol had been bad for me & I'd stopped for 2mths previous. Through pain, hardship & the near loss of a crazy yet loving relationship I was in. It didn't survive recovery & that's another part of the story I've told here & there but the point is I came to AA in curiosity. I had no preconceptions. I knew I wanted to stay stopped & I wanted to know about alcoholism.

I didn't realise that I was going to have to concede to my innermost self that I was alcoholic if I was to stayed stopped. I didn't know that I couldn't stay stopped by myself. I didn't know that in my sickness I would pick up on everyone else's defects & label myself with those too on top of my own & to compound my already lacking of self~worth. I didn't know that my own self~pity was a part of the disease to keep me sick & I didn't know that once in AA I really would have the feeling that I can't leave. I feel trapped between a rock & a hard place.

I feel like I don't know how to make the best of this right now. I feel like my intelligence is not enough to put all the answers together & live in life as an example of this 12Step solution. My pride is so much that I don't want to be a sick person trying to get well. I'd rather be a bad person trying to be good or at least a good person who does bad, needy things & then tries to be good lol Like I won't submit & ask & accept the help as it's offered here. Like I'm not desperate enough. I obviously am or I wouldn't have come this far & I don't know why I'm still fighting my conversion into this life.

I want it all both ways. I want the joy without the commitment. I want the help without showing my vulnerabilities. I want the release from care without telling the truth & I want to tell you my truth so much. I want to get honest & learn how to be honest, everyday, daily. I'm not meaning to bitch & be negative to hurt anyone else. I've been hurting myself with it & the truth is I simply do not feel or have the true faith that I deserve to keep what I have by giving it away. I can't give it away if I haven't got it. Something has been missing & inside all I can feel is criticism 'Listen, girl.. You've been sober this long.. you've no right to suffer.. you're doing it to yourself.. get on with it & get over it..'. At the same time I feel like I can be that same alcoholic suffering inside & outside the rooms of AA on any given day. I feel like a contradiction. I feel like a hypocrite.

I'm telling you all of this, not to be negative (though I know that's what it is) but to get honest & tell you what's wrong with me.. To confess so that I can change. I want to change. I need to change. I want all this so that I can help others because I've been through & done it myself & funnily enough I really do know that I can't do this without your help because this is how it works & first I have to ask.. Please help me? I'm saying this & asking from my heart.

I don't want to be alone in this pain. I don't want to be rejected. Something that I fear has stuck with me since childhood is my asking my parents always.. 'Do you love me?' & them quite often replying 'Only when you're good.' I know with my adult mind why they said this & that they wanted me to behave well but my child has & still does hang onto this by thinking 'I can't tell these people, these fellow alcoholics what's truly wrong with me because they'll see it as bad behaviour & I will be rejected & I answer this to myself before you even say anything with 'How dare you reject me if I confess & tell you ~ Yes, I am fearful. Yes, I am self~pitying. Yes, I have all of these defects of character & Yes, I even don't know how to love myself today.

In fact, Yes.. I'm an Alcoholic just like you & I cannot afford to take that first drink & I want to learn to live life on life's terms but inside my inferiority complex tells me I am different. That you don't want to hear my active disease when I ought to be working my program so that I'm not all over this page complaining about the problems in my head! I do feel better for telling you what's wrong with me today.

I needed to know that I could trust you because all inside my worst fear is that I can't cuz all my worst thoughts of myself are true & I would deserve your rejection cuz I'm rejecting me. I need to stop rejecting myself & to stop hurting me from the inside out. I need to put the selfharm stick down & practice the same forgivenes for myself that I'm asking you for. I know sometimes the most I can hope for from you is the simplicity of non~judgement. The letting me kick & scream in a safe place until I calm down & realise that you're still there, being kind & waiting for me to come to my senses & grow up. Gently, slowly, as quick as I like. Such acting out, I ask you! :)

Thanks for your patience & thanks for hearing this out (if you're still here) I just wanted to know that I could share & you'd still care no matter what & even if I was being bad Just for Today. I want to embrace this program. I want to set down my pride & stop fighting. I want to stand for at least one good thing in my life & I would like it to be with you, in recovery. Thanks for listening.. I feel a bit better now.. & will be calling my Sponsor. Thanks for being here & staying sober too. I wouldn't be able to do it without you & I am grateful for that. Yours in fellowship, Danielle x

Ps. I wish I wasn't such a drama queen & knew regularly how to deal sensibly with my thoughts & emotions. It is good to be alive & to be able to laugh at myself (after I've kicked & screamed of course..!) One Day I'll have a fully functioning program knowing how to live with it & in it, for it & give it.

*God, grant me the Serenity
to Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to Change the things I can
& Wisdom to know the difference*

*Progress not perfection 1Day@aTime*

-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 20:16, 2008-04-01

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StPeteDean


MIP Old Timer

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RE: Feeling stuck&sick with Recovery&AA :(
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Hi Danielle,

I had to skim thru your post because I'm tired, so this is somewhat of a drive by post. I feel your pain and sense your restlessness and discontent. You're going to have this for a bit. Try and focus on the positive, and let go of the rest. I would say that I began to feel pretty comfortable with my sobriety at 3 years. I was totally comfortable at 5 years and felt like I knew what I needed to do with my life At 10, I felt like I had about half of that done. I'm presently trying to wrap up what I began what seems like a life time ago. It just takes time. You can't rush it. It takes what it takes. We all want to have that benefits of 10 years at 1 or 2. Been there and done that. I remember the feeling of inequity, and thinking "why can't I just have that now?" smile.gif Please don't leave us. congrats on 18 months, thats like 550 days and nights.

Dean


-- Edited by StPeteDean at 23:50, 2008-03-31

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Tuggboat


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You might try Al-Anon. Picking up everyone else's character defects is co-dependency (just gave you another. :) ) Many old timers in Al-Anon say that technically all AA members qualify as we all have friends with the disease. Will help with the drama queen thing too. Thats a common topic. We cover it in the Big book around step three but we don't talk about it much. Your not alone in the big ego stuff either. Its not your friend though, One honest look and you can see how its trying to push you out of AA and kill you. BAD EGO!! :) Down!!

You are right, your intelligence is not enough. A dependence on a power greater than ourselves is necessary. NO?? Possibly a study of unconditional love. We ain't perfect but AA's continual acceptance of people is one place you can see it in action. I'm sure you've read about it but its not what your parents taught you. You'll have to learn it from us I guess.

Three kinds of love; Agape/unconditional, phila as in filial/ like a brotheror sister and eros from which we get erotic which of course is a sexualand romantic nature.

My favorite story about this is quite dramatic and I almost got thrown off the MIP alanon site for posting it. Its really bad. It talks about the prodigal son which is a guy that takes his half of his inheritance, blows it on wine and women and song and then crawls back to daddy and his dad takes him despite the protestations of a younger brother.

If you go to Al-Anon, don't be surprised to meet a people that to forgive is Blasphemy. Take what you want and leave the rest. They got some good stuff but forgiveness is a very long path for most of them as they have been entwined into this disease not by their own choice. :) We at least choose the first drink, after that we're no longer in control either but somehow they fight down a path of self rediscovery that can lead to forgiveness. Just my recent experience but if you want thrown out of Al-Anon you don't have to drink. Just forgive an alcoholic;)

Yes I have an Al_Anon resentment. I carry one everywhere I go. Sometimes I've had an AA resentment too. But not today. pretty recently a guy pissed me off, I hollered, I made an Amend and come to think of it, never have even looked for one from him. He's perfect, I Ain't. No new news there. :)

-- Edited by Tuggboat at 23:58, 2008-03-31

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jonijoni


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LOL.....

I'm gonna get you for this post, Danielle!!!!biggrin

The reason why I say this, is because at first glance of your title, I thought you were making a break for it. But I know realize that I too have felt this way, and your getting this all out in the open here is the way to freedom from those feelings. Sending many hugs your way today, not just as an AA, but also as a PERSON who has felt similar. Thinking of you.

joni

-- Edited by jonijoni at 15:35, 2008-04-01

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beachgirl


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For what its worth ( Iv'e been sober for a year, so I'm new at this too).   I don't think you are a drama queen at all.  People , like me, who like to always feel in control, tend to regard their emotional struggles from a very "head" not heart kind of place- and give judgemental labels to themselves, "drama queen" being one.  At the same time they ( I ) fear labels, and being pigeon holed, and so being an "alcoholic" feels like a jail sentence rather than a free pass.  At this point I decided not to worry about the labels - it is what it is, whatever you call it.   And so am I. And so are you.    The important part is that I respect myself more when I don't drink.  And actually like everyday life more.  Hope this helps.

beachgirl

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lani


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I pray that I may let God run my life. I pray that I will never again make a mess of my life through trying to run it myself.

Read your 24 hrs post again! Words of wisdom there!!!!

Yes you are a "drama queen" but thats what I love about you! You honestly grasp how you are feeling and share it with others! You are probably saying exactly what alot of us are feeling! I tend to cry out to a certain person my frustrations almost on a weekly basis! The beauty is, she listens and shares that she too has the same problems at times too! And, know what, she loves me no matter how whiny I can get!
This is not an easy program for me either but everyday I try my best to get thru it and move on! Its a happy day when I can say I didnt run or take that drink! Its starting to get warmer here and Im started to cringe at the fact that I am an alkie and I wont be having cocktails on the deck with my neighbors and friends who can handle drinking. Makes me sad somedays! But, its not the end of the world. The end of the world as I know it today would be gone if I stopped working my program and gave in to my foolish thoughts that I can go back to where I was.

You hopefully know by now that alot of us are here for you no matter what! We dont care where you have been, we just care that you are here now!!

Lots of love and friendship to you on this special, remarkable, wonderful, exciting, miraculous day!!! Lani



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Tuggboat


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Part of the path of change is always to admit and then accept who we really are in the first place. AA allows us to laugh at ourselves if we are willing. Its good to vent to someone or at meetings even. My struggle is often I don't want to leave it there. If I'm really letting God run the show instead of me I keep a lid on this stuff on the outside world and I don't cause anymore harms to others that I have to make amends for.A lot of people with similar character traits as myself are offende when I make fun of myself. If someone has no spiritual solution for things, when I make fun of myself they often thinkI am making fun of them. If i called myself a drama queen in front of someone without the spiritual solution it just makes them uncomfortable.

Its a one day at a time solution. We ask in the morning to be divorced from self seeking, dishonesty or self pity. I have to pray for this because every day it tries to make a reappearance. I don't reflect morbidly at my failures though. This is where laughter comes in for me. I laugh and say to my self, boy are you an alcoholic, chuckle and get on with things in a better manner more in line with how God would have me. This goes on througout the day untilthe end where we look at our failures and simply ask for forgiveness and ask for guidance on correcting our errors. We don't really have to pray to correct ourselves. If we correct each days flaws as we go, that disciplines us and shapes us.

Stuff to attend to here now that I've done all this thinking lol.

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StPeteDean


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[quote=sobrietyspell]  I'm telling you all of this, not to be negative (though I know that's what it is) but to get honest & tell you what's wrong with me.. To confess so that I can change. I want to change. I need to change. I want all this so that I can help others because I've been through & done it myself & funnily enough I really do know that I can't do this without your help because this is how it works & first I have to ask.. Please help me? I'm saying this & asking from my heart.

Danielle,  I  relate to the feelings that you're having.  I recall hitting that point, where the comfort of just going to meetings daily wasn't working the way that it did.  When I asked my group and sponsor about this, they're response was that "my pink cloud was no longer supporting me".   It was an indication that I was going to have to work for my sobriety over and above the basics of meetings, talking to sponsor etc...   I was going to have to work on my core issues, as identified by my 4,5,6,7 steps.  I was going to have to impliment changes fo my behavior as suggested to me by my sponsor and my group ie:   praying for people that I was haveing problems with, checking my motives, checking my ego, making prompt amends thru daily and spot check inventories,  checking my honesty, learning humility (learning it's not a good idea to pray for humility lol),  deal with my anger in accordance with the 10 step.  Get going on my 8th and 9th steps  (you'll get in touch with all your resentments when it's time to do those steps, taking about it in your 5th step is a cake walk compared to actually going to make amends.   I've got admit that  I'm not always able to read all of your posts, because the font is sometimes fuzzy to my  variable  uncorrected  eyesight, but I haven't see you talk about how you're actually working your program (frequency of meetings- step meetings, home group,  relationship to your sponsor?,  where  you are at in the steps, your partisipation in the fellowship (having and getting together with friends in the program),  service positions in the group (making cofee, leading meetings...),  working with others....  Can you tell us about the above?  It would make your situation a lot clearer, even to yourself.  Otherwise  we're shooting in the dark with trying to make suggestions...you did ask for help smile.gif

[quote=Sobrietyspell]
I don't want to be alone in this pain. I don't want to be rejected. Something that I fear has stuck with me since childhood is my asking my parents always.. 'Do you love me?' & them quite often replying 'Only when you're good.' I know with my adult mind why they said this & that they wanted me to behave well but my child has & still does hang onto this by thinking 'I can't tell these people, these fellow alcoholics what's truly wrong with me because they'll see it as bad behaviour & I will be rejected & I answer this to myself before you even say anything with 'How dare you reject me if I confess & tell you ~ Yes, I am fearful. Yes, I am self~pitying. Yes, I have all of these defects of character & Yes, I even don't know how to love myself today.

This is a very good self introspection and addmision.  IMO  you've indentified your core issues.  I'll try to be brief on this non AA speak that I learned in other 12 step programs.
According to many authors, John Bradshaw for one,  all a child has to do to be set up for
dysfunctional behavior and addiction is to have the perception that one or both parents does not love them.  Conditional love "if you're good" falls in the same catogory.  Your parents thought that they were doing the right thing, and presumably they were doing what was done to them, but it's no way to treat a child.   Love the child, the child is good.  Inappropriate bahavior is another separate issue that has no bearing on the unconditional love and support, care of the child.    Conditional love sets the child up to be a "Human doing" instead of a Human Being.    We all have these issues to a certain extent, whether our parents were addicts, alanons, codependents.... or not.  Most of us had a heavy handed
parent that gave little or no approval that left us with a feeling that we'll never measure up.
We must work through this by talking it out, dispelling our self centered fears. The steps do a pretty good job of this although I would reccoment some additional reading, and I got a lot of help in the 'other' programs, as i've more hinted to in previous posts.

Do come out with these feelings at meetings.  Not only will you get the answers and comfort from others sharing, you'll help others discover what they are feeling and why.
We are much more alike then we are different.

Dean

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BatonRougian


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I know you think you're going through all this but really you're just gonna S**T or get off the pot soon so I really dont have anything to say other than this reminds me of your posts last month and HEY!!!!

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lani


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Wanted to share this because it goes hand in hand with what tugboat is saying! Where is the middle ground for me? Im either up or down.....But, through humor, and making the best of things I am able to make it thru yet another day sober!!!!
April 1, 2008

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

To be wildly enthusiastic, or deadly serious--both are wrong. Both pass. One must keep ever present a sense of humor.
--Katherine Mansfield

How familiar wild enthusiasm and deadly seriousness are to most of us. We experience life within the extremes. The thrill of wild enthusiasm we try to trap, to control. We are exhilarated and feel good. Our serious side traps us, controls us, lowers a pall on all our activities. Both expressions keep us stuck. Neither expression allows the freedom of spontaneity so necessary to a full, healthy life.

Through our addiction--the liquor, the upper, the person, the food--we were searching for a feeling we didn't feel. We were searching for an unnatural state of happiness, even perhaps wild enthusiasm, because we had so little of any enthusiasm for life. Our search failed. Again and again we'd "catch it," only to have it elude us.

We may not have given up the search. But we will come to accept both states of mind as temporary and search instead for the middle ground. A sense of humor will make all of life's loads easier to bear. A sense of humor will offer us the balance that has been missing for so many years.

Today will offer me a chance to be wildly enthusiastic and a chance to be deadly serious. I'll try to focus on the middle ground and cultivate my sense of humor.

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Sept_19_2002


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Thanks for sharing Daniella,

You've been around these rooms and the program long enough to know what you have to do - don't drink. If you're not sure - pick up. It'll be a quick lesson.

I respect and understand that you have these feelings of uncertainty and think you may have had enough of AA. It's tough, it's been tough. Know that you are not alone. It is very common that after people get their 1st year they start questioning their sobriety and begin drifting away from the fellowship. I'm sure you've noticed at meetings when sobriety countdowns are done, most of the fellowship consists of people in their first 18 months, a few 2 - 5 years and the rest are usually old timers ... people move on and that's what we're supposed to do, live the lives we fought to get back. I'm not saying walk away from the program, use the program in everyday life. The greatest seed we can plant is living life on life's terms.

Many of us have gotten so much out of these rooms that we're so grateful, all we want to do is give back. Know and trust it's okay to give to yourself. Think of it like moving out of your parents home and into your own apartment. You still love and see everybody but you're ready to have your own life.

As for the uncertainties, the fears, these are yours to give away, let go and let God. God loves you.

I believe the old timers really put it in the best perspective, don't drink, go to meetings and do the steps, everything else will take care of itself.

You have so much more than you think. You are surrounded with love smile


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Sobrietyspell


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RE: 18months Today ~ Thanks to AA :)
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Thanks to you all for your continuing commitment to recovery. To your own & each others including mine. I'm so glad I spoke out about all of those sick thoughts I had whirling in my head. I had to get them out so that I could accept some serenity & peace back into my life. Honesty gets us well & I'm getting much better at it myself, learning by your examples. I have found it really difficult to name my feelings, say them, speak them & share them in meetings. I've spoken about all kinds of stuff about recovery in meetings & I will open my mouth & share at least 2/3 of the time.

I won't always utilise my Sponsor & I shared about that in a meeting last night. I opened my mouth & told everyone about where I was at struggling & how little I felt I knew about my Program & how I was finding it difficult to surrender & practice it & how it was blatantly obvious that I couldn't do it by myself & needed help though I wouldn't always recognise & ask for this.. In spite of my shame about not putting on a brave front & *saying, look at me, I can do this, see how much I know* I was liberated by saying *No, I don't know & I need your help, I need my Sponsor's help* It felt amazing to tell the truth & not be scared. Something changed inside me & I became teachable again. My Sponsor was there & we gave each other such a hug (like always) when I left early to go to work & she told me to call her anytime. I've been in touch with her several times today & will call her for a chat tomorrow night & when to arrange to meet.

So, I'm back in the boat. I'll tell you what I'm doing regarding my program everyday. It won't be theoretical anymore. It will be practice. I will have the courage & live it. My fear has been replaced with faith & I'm so glad you're all here to share it with. You're my fellowship & I love you. MIP is like an extra online Sponsor though I must remember not quite as sufficient as the real thing! Thank God for my Sponsor. Thank God for yours. Let's hear it for Sponsors passing on our heritage! Thanks for sponsoring me in the interim here on MIP. I definitely needed it! Ps. Thanks Baton for your eloquent addition ;) lol

And in terms of the business of living ~ Keep on doing the next right thing.. Do my homework.. Springclean the house & tick off the to~do list & nevermind distraction by obsession (that's another story!) Today I will give myself a break, forgive myself & let go with more than a little laughter. You have all lightened my heart. Thankyou, Danielle x

Ps. I went to a 12Step Women's meeting tonight & picked up my 18mth keyring. What a Joy! & to celebrate I've accepted Tea~Making duties as of next week. Now that's real recovery! lol I'm going to put out the feelers to get another Women's group started in Liverpool for AA. This will be wonderful for me & will really help to encourage sisterhood in the fellowship. I have a male friend who has mentioned he'd like to start one for the fellas. It'll be the only one of its kind that I know of too. I told an Oldtimer my ambition & he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I don't know why? I think it's needed. I hope he's not concerned that it might detract from attendance at other meetings! Thanks for listening & letting me share, Danielle x

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lani


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Hey Danielle
Thats more like it! I like that youre going to get involved in making tea and perhaps starting up another womens group! From what Im learning, thats the ticket to this whole thing! We just had an awesome meeting tonight, womens, home group and a gal with a year or more shared her story! Incredible....She was so cute, kept saying , "just one more thing..." But the very last thing she shared was...."The only thing I have to do today is stay sober and help others achieve the same!!!"

Truly it should be that simple! Keep it simple!!! My sponsor has said many times that by helping me, its helping her stay sober!! It helps her get out of herself for a change! Your probably at that crossroad now where its time to help others and grow with that!!

Just like helping you figure out and vent your feelings...It helped US more than you know!

Wasnt that like one of life;s lessons in growing up....? Help others!!!!! So it should be and can be quite simple if we keep it simple! TaDA!!

Happy sober 18 months! That in itself is a miracle!!!!
Lani

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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Quetzal


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Hi Danielle,

Congrats on 18 months!!! That's terrific.

And, congrats on sharing how you felt at a meeting. That's something that I'm not always too good at. And, I'm not always so good at really opening up to my sponsor either. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Have a great day.

Carol

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jonijoni


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Many Congrats, Danielle.
Sometimes we indeed have to "trudge", but you will get through this stuff one day at a time. So proud of you on your 18 months!
Love,
Joni

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BatonRougian


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No problem SS. Glad to here your feeling better about doing the deal. My opinion (oh crap) is that we all have these feelings and thoughts all over the grid but the real deal is what we do when we get to the forks in the road and its grow or go time.

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Sobrietyspell


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In celebration of my 3rd year of sobriety in this journey I've temp stickied this from my halfway mark when I was feeling antsy & frightened of just how deep this program can go. I live in full immersion today & I am happy, joyous & free thanks to all your support@MIP. For any newcomers who may identify I thought you might find this interesting.

I want you to know that 18mths later my life has changed from the inside out & I love everything about it today. I live in real life & in all its love & simplicity it is beyond my wildest dreams. I will ready up to post a 'How it is now' thread soon. Thank you for being here & helping me stay sober for another day today. God bless & love you all, my beautiful Sobervibers! Yours in Recovery, Unity & Service, Danielle x



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