alcoholism 101

jc2008 · Veteran Member

alcoholism 101

Bryan39 · Senior Member

I'm one year sober at about 6 months i was diagnosed and am still treated for clinical depression. when this happened i had exactly the same thoughtss you are right now. The best answer i've come up with is what an old timer said to me when i brought this up at a meeting. This old timer said "I don't want to know if its just the depression or not it doesn't matter I'm happy and sober and gonna stay that way" where i took this is just that it doesn't matter i was miserable now i'm happy i've started over and life is good.

hope that helps
Bryan

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Sometimes, for me, it's as simple as.. 'Knowing I'm an Alcoholic keeps me sober today' & I don't want to take a drink. If I take one drink the mental obsession returns & I cannot guarantee my behaviour after the first drink. With me there is no controlled drinking. I do not want to control my drinking. I loved to drink & I didn't hide my drinking. It didn't go that far but I know I'm simply flesh & blood. Alcohol is a chemical compound & thus stronger than me. It can erode me from the inside out & that's without the bad behaviour, the lowering of standards, the reckless abandon that comes with it & leaves me in shame. I've a whole period of time in my past full of people who could testify to my being a nuisance when drunk. Graceful drunk, not I. I'm not even that great when I'm sober, riddled with insecurity & ineptitude! So, for me, I can't afford to take that drink. I need to build my confidence in other ways. I'm alcoholic because I used alcohol as a fixer. Not to get a little loose at the weekend, have a laugh & then get on with my life. It wasn't like that for me. I depended on it to get out of my head & even to have a spiritual experience. What a complete contradiction in terms. I can't drink because it kills my spirit, depresses me & stops me growing up & getting on with my life. It trapped me into resentment & self-righteousness. I can still be like that today though now I can come to AA where others understand & I can share about it. To new & growing friends, sober, with real courage instead of waiting until I was drunk to pour it all out while others were trying to have a good time. My life's better today without it. That's what teaches me I'm alcoholic too because I'm learning how to give to me & others without relying on a drink to escape. There's no escape for me today. Unless I want to pray, write, talk & be with other people who struggled with drink & life too (& for me, just being a person). You've done so well with yourself, Jen & in the end you simply know alcohol wasn't/isn't for you any more. That you don't want it. While we're learning about 'the physical, mental & spiritual illness of alcoholism' it's enough to simply know that alcohol didn't agree with us for many reasons & that for me is enough to stand up & say 'My name's Danielle & I'm an Alcoholic'. I don't want to drink today & I know if, even if I'm keeping a reservation!' I teach myself daily to stave of the denial with that simply admission, confession & solidifying conviction that I cannot drink like most other folk. Life's alot easier too when I accept that. Fake it even if you're not sure. The outcome's the same. It might just keep you sober for another day. I hope something in this has made some sense for you, Jen. It's my own experience & I know lots of us will have differing ways of looking at it. I think you're doing amazingly well. Keep up the good work. Good luck with your sobriety & thanks for all your honesty & being here, Danielle x

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Jen these are answers that working the 4th-7th steps will bring. You're such a quick study, ask your sponsor when you might start your 4th. The second half of your second paragraph is a good start.

I think the question "am I really an alcoholic" is irrelevant. I like John Bradshaw's definition of addiction- "a pathological relationship (love to/have to) to a mood altering substance or event, that has life damaging consequences." The bad news is that "we don't know what we don't know, or that we don't know". So how can we answer the question - "am I a..."? When a person is "In a behavior" they do not know the definition of that behavior or the term itself. For me, one of the revelations was "what is a womanizer?". My coda sponsor laughed soooo hard he almost feel down, when I asked him for a definition. That's when I knew that I didn't know. We talk alot about denial in here but I think that often times denial is confused with outright cluelessness.

Jen if you look back at how you were feeling and functioning a little over a month ago (your memory is really short lol) and compare it to how you feel and function today. I think that you'd note a marked improvement.
So whatever you're doing is working, doesn't matter what you call it today (which you eluded to). I can tell you that this phenomenon continues indefinitely. When I had 7 years, I looked back at 3 years and thought boy was I still making some radical decisions and having a lot of "dry drunks" back then. The fact was that I was still pretty nutty at 3 years! Same thing with 10 looking back at 7, but it was more about grandiosity and arrogance, and still taking a lot of risks physically. I don't want to discourage anyone, it's just that it takes time to heal and grow up/grow in to your sobriety. The trouble is that at any given moment we convince ourselves that we've "arrived". And with sobriety, just like humility, that "once you think that you've got, it's gone". This is a journey not a destination.

Sobriety is like climbing a huge mountain. As we climb the view starts to improve, so we rest a little and take some of nice view in. We climb a bit higher, rest, and repeat. If we ever stop for too long, we tire of the view and begin to get cynical, then we may fall. We must continue to grow and we will never "get there". Enjoy the climb.

Dean wink

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 23:36, 2008-03-31

Quetzal · MIP Old Timer

Hi Jen,

When I first started with AA, and had eight weeks sobriety, someone suggested that I wasn't an alcoholic and it was what I wanted to hear, so I drank again. Within a few days I was back to being completely unable to stop drinking and not in control of myself or my behavior. Blackouts became a regular thing for me. It took me eighteen months and a lot of pain to get back into AA and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

I still get days when I wonder if I am an alcoholic. When that happens I sit and think of all of the stupid, embarrassing and hurtful things that I did when I was drunk and ask myself would I have done them if I wasn't drinking. The answer is always 'no'.

Then, I talk to my sponsor and share how I am feeling with other alcoholics. I always feel better then. I used to tell myself that if I'm not an alcoholic staying sober for today isn't a problem, and if I am an alcoholic then I am doing the best thing that I can.

Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?

Take care,

Carol

BatonRougian · Veteran Member

"has blackouts, continues drinking, manages to have decent life, job, family, then for no apparent reason starts drinking in car, closets, garage, etc., at all hours of the day."

The AA book says we dont like to pronounce anyone alcoholic but it doesnt say we dont. Yes your an alcoholic in the grips of a fatal progressive mental and phsyical illness. Over time you will get worse as you already have. If we didnt have mind fucks we'd all get sober. Your mind games are a symptom of your progressing mental illness. Yes alcoholism is a mental illness. The problem unfortunatlely centers in our minds. Why do you think the program is about being restored to sanity. And once restored if we quit the program "The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die." The dumb part of this is me telling you this has no effect on you. My advice would be go to speaker meetings and pray they talk about their drinking and how they came to know they were alcoholic and why knowing that alone didnt keep them sober anyway.

lani · MIP Old Timer

I think if we even question the fact that we're alcoholics, we probably are. My parents rarely drink, are not alcoholic, and the discussion of "am I an alcoholic, can I go to a party where theres alcohol, did I leave that bottle of wine at my daughters that I got for my birthday there, do I have to wait until a certain time to drink a cocktail.....That stuff is never even thought of to them.....
A non alcoholic doesnt drink in their car, doesnt black out, doesnt have their husband threaten to leave them......

Someone at my noon meetings always says: Alcohol is just a symptom of our disease..." Someday I'll ask him to elaborate. Im sure there is someone on here who can clarify that one for me.....I know its in the BB but cant find it!

Its better to be bouncing between relatively happy and messed up, than just plain old messed up!!!

I think too that its not that we're NOT convinced were not alcoholic, we dont WANT to be alcoholic!

As everyone has posted its not an easy road to walk but if we keep doing what were doing, things can only get better! I definitely wouldnt have a career I love or my beautiful family if I wasnt convinced Im sick!

Thanks for sharing because it gives us all the opportunity to really look at ourselves and share where were at!
Lani

glenngds2006 · Member

Anyway this is my first post on this little message board you have going here. Daily, I have to re-committ myself to the clean and sober way of life. I also suffer from Clinical depression. My exact diagnosis is Major depression with psychotic features that is recurrent and chronic. I take a ton of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics every day, even then I am not functional enough to do very much of anything. I daily struggle with the ideas, is it my mental illness that caused me to drink and do drugs or did I become mentally ill because of my drinking and drugging. In my case it does not matter which way the horse goes in front of the cart or behind the cart, just connect the ~!@#$ horse to the cart. Honestly what step I am currently on, step one. You see I got cured there for a while and stopped working the steps. My psychiatrist said to me the other day, "Glenn, you never talk about anything spiritual." She was right, I never talked about anything spiritual, because I was not working any kind of spiritual program. I have decided to change that huge, outrageouly large mistake and get back to a spiritual program.

I just started a web site last Saturday and it is at my home page of my profile. If anyone bothers to look at my profile, you will see that I am the web-master of my web site.

I am trying to think of something great or grand to say and I just believe I am talked out. Mentally I am not capable of thinking very long at a time, so bye.

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Youre not sure that you are an alcoholic?

Well..our friend...

Go out and buy another bottle...

And let us know how you make out...:)

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hello Glen, and Welcome. Start your own introduction thread so that we can give you a proper welcome.

Dean

Bunchie · Veteran Member

I have been arrested 3 times in my life nothing serious, disturbing the peace, drunken disorderly , and assault and battery on a police officer, which was reduced to disorderly conduct.rightfully so I often wonder if the cop who charged us with that had mental illness, thank God for witnesses. Well anyways I was a weekend binges of epic proportions and always was the king of denial, but every time I did something stupid , idiotic , reckless behaviour, I was drunk. I once woke up on airport floor in New York , I am from Boston, I was barefoot and had a T shirt that said sweet sixteen or bust. My friend was with me he said we tried to sleep outside but it started raining so we went inside and slept. This whole excursion developed because we thought we would stay sober and help a friend landscape his yard.The Boston Celtics were playing the Lakers in the finals so we were listening to the radio while we worked. The Celts win and the friend takes us to lunch after working. We went for one on a Sunday and returned on Tuesday. We never remembered which airport we landed at, we took a bus either from Kennedy Airport to LaGuardia or vice versa.We did not have shoes on because we wrestled on the beach in front of whole restraunt and forgot to put them on .Apparently it's against the law to fly with barefeet, the stewardess told me and she gave me a whole bunch of those little beers they serve on airplanesThe bartender at restraunt called Logan Airport for us and said there were flights to Florida which was our destination. We were going to fly to Florida to surprise our brothers because the Boston Celtics won. I said to my buddy if I had the money I would fly to Florida and wake my brother up and say " did you see the Celtics" he was always complaining about me calling him in the middle of night when drunk and leave these long indiscernible ramblings on phone. So in my alcoholic state I thought it was rational to do this.After we awoke in New York I figured we were heading back to Boston about an hour flight, no my buddy bought 2 tickets to Fort Lauderdale so the drinking continued.Firt Lauderdale is a utopian dream for alcoholics, every corner had a bar with scant clad women and plenty of action. This bender lasted 2 or 3 days, we did not do drugs , we were strictly alcoholic, it's hard to keep a true bender going longer than that especially when your wife is looking for you, and your boss also. We arrived back in Boston and tried to keep the bender going but the guilts took over, and the guilts and the withdrawals, and the apologies. I continued to drink for many years after this , but this was the first time I thought I was truly alcoholic, especially when I overheard my sister in law tell my mother where I was because I never called my wife, or boss or anyone else. So basically , if your asking yourself if your an alcoholic you probably are, just go back in your memory bank and pull out a story. I pray to God my son or daughter does not get the insanity gene. Bunchie