I'm approaching my 31st birthday & it very much feels like a timely coming of age. I spent my singular years in wonder of the world, wondering what was going on, what did it all mean, knowing only what was going on around me, moving around, family disruption, different schools, new faces, not knowing who I was yet feeling incredibly loving & special though confused & innocent also. I grew into my teens & felt unrest. I felt something had been & was terribly wrong. My family a mess, my peers unaccepting, yet to know my niche & wondering why home was the way it was. I spent my teens desperate. Angry & worried. Spiteful & lost. Hopeful yet yearning. 'Please help.. Please save this love of life from drowning in loss & self~pity'. That was me. I wanted to care & I didn't have the tools.
I found drink & I thought I'd found the answer. An answer to my bottomless craving for love, life, friendship, care & meaning. I loved the experience. The loss of control. The disappearance of boundaries & constraints. The imagination. The loss of fear. The sudden & seeming openess to all possibilities. It was like magic juice. It opened up my insides & made me silly, carefree & reckless all at the same time. I felt like I could be whoever I wanted. Pry into whoever I wanted.. looking for me.. to be the answer for them.. So disenchanted & hopeful. That crazy combination made Me crazy & the attention~grabbing desire to be wanted, needed & loved was unleashed to my great detriment. I carried on like this for years. Putting my life on hold & waiting for it to get good all in one go. Losing myself to loves & their ambitions I hid from myself & deferred my responsibility. I hadn't the courage or confidence to live the dreams of my own & inside I was dying ~ A spiritual death.
I had moments of glory. Of courage to get out there & do the odd, daring adventure but for the most part I hung onto my company & dreamed an altar~ego in a bottle. The evil & misguided in me coming out to play whenever that haze took over my head. There were moments where my truth shone through, where my ideals counted for something, where my care was genuine but the poison was seeping in & settling & before I knew it.. All that was left was selfishness. Self~centered bitterness & my death had arrived. There was only one thing for it. Only one thing I could change.. And that was.. EVERYTHING.. beginning with alcohol. The friend I thought that allowed me to express myself. The friend that meant I'd hid & couldn't take the pressure of being a person until I let go & blew my head out with oblivion. Now is different. I learned how not to compartmentalise my many aspects. Rolling me altogether in one ball & entity of parts held together gently by my Higher Power & I turned myself over to the care of.
I met many people & heard their stories, similar to mine. I heard, too, how they'd given themselves away to the power of alcohol until they realised themselves that they were powerless to it as well. I heard their message & I let go of my ego. My immature & self~seeking autonomy. I let go & learned how to ask for help, helping in return. I never knew how to do this. As a child, I'd wanted to save everyone. Every sad, suffering, lost soul I ever met cuz this was how I felt yet I had such a great love inside. What I couldn't & didn't know in my naivity was that I couldn't save anyone & it was this crushing reality that killed my heart so slowly until I couldn't even save myself. And alcohol was a numbing of all that, I realise now.
I feel love & compassion for that child I was. I know her & what she wanted. I love her & how she tried. She wasn't enough & everything she had to give, she wanted in return. What massive ambition for such a small one. I look into children's eyes now & I wonder what their hearts hold.. What their secrets are that they don't know how to tell.. What lushful leaves on their laboring trees are turning to an old autumnal gold & grey.. The loss of innocence.. I couldn't cope with these changes.. The wishes turning to ash & I died an alcoholic death to be reborn into Sobriety where I learned that our secrets keep us sick & to share my soul with those who understand knowing the same in theirs.
Suddenly, slowly.. Sharing changed my life. I got to know myself all over again. From scratch. I didn't like what I saw for alot of it & for this I had to learn unconditional love. My Higher Power was born from behind a dull & cautious cloud to shine in full faith. A trust I have today that I do not have to drink. I do not have to hide. I can love & be me sharing a place in the human race. I don't have to be for everyone & everyone doesn't have to be for me. In this I can still be receptive & yet, self~protective, nurturing. Restoring & recovering a childfulness. A grace & letting go of anything not needed. Learning how to understand; how to grow. And today I don't have to be everything. I don't have to know everything. I don't have to be all powerful. There is One greater than that & all I need for today is acceptance. Acceptance to be; Just as I am; Just for Today ~ And knowing God is Good.
I thank in this daily for my life today, Danielle x
Current Mood ~ Relieved
-- Edited by Sobrietyspell at 01:11, 2008-03-14
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hi Danielle: That was absolutely beautiful!!! Im glad your allowing an inner peace to fill your heart: with acceptance and love for yourself!!
Now we learn to give without expecting something in return. We do it because we love and trust ourselves and if we get it back...that is a Godsend!!!
xoLani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thankyou so much, Laurie. Sharing this really felt like an exhaustion of my soul & I can't believe it took me until now to reach the root of where I feel & know I've come from. It took me 18mths away from a drink to discover a way, this way to express a truth, my truth. Inner~child work cannot be undersold in my humble opinion. It's where we all came from & remembering this stuff inside me has healed a long & lost yet achingly frustrated wound. I am, indeed, relieved. I've shared alot this week & chaired two meetings which I feel has helped. Also, learned more in the Course I'm doing too. I finish this tomorrow & will go to a meeting after a nice haircut for us all to go out for a meal after as a preliminary birthday present.. How lucky in Fellowship am I! I based my main share on my gratitude for the fellowship last night & I often mention MIP :) I spoke to my Sponsor tonight. She's Amazing. She's like me except already ready. How Ace is that! Talk about having what I want lol Bless her dearly. I'll go over & give thanks to her on 2002's website over the weekend. I better go to bed now. It's been a long, learning day at the end of a long learning week & for that I am truly grateful. Thanks for your kindness & recognition again, Laurie. You're a gift. And for the rest of us amongst us.. Hang in there.. The best is yet to come ;) Blesses for you all, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
The child is an almost universal symbol for the soul's transformation. The child is whole, not yet divided . . . when we would heal the mind . . . we ask this child to speak to us. --Susan Griffin
Was there ever a time when we did not feel divided from ourselves? Occasionally we get a glimpse of what such spiritual wholeness would be like, but most of the time we struggle with feelings of conflict, unevenness, a divided heart. Perhaps "the child" is a metaphor for a spiritual guide, like our own higher power, that can help us in our journey toward self-acceptance.
"I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent," writes author Ashleigh Brilliant. If we can be happy with this proud, funny boast then perhaps we can stop berating ourselves for our imperfections. If we dwell on our own contradictory impulses we give them too much importance, too much power.
Let me trust to my glimpses of harmony and wholeness and be grateful for the richness of my spirit
Hi Danielle! Found this on the 24 hrs a day site.....Was going to post for 24hr/day but not up yet..Just got home from work and thought I'd jump start the day...... Oh well! You sound fab!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
