I am feeling very restless.Mind wandered away to the idea of having 'just' one drink.Mind playing games since evening when just while leaving work I got piled with unnecessary crap assignment, something which could have waited till tommorow, but no, the boss wanted it then.And I determined not to get angry,did it.But then what happenned?My cab driver waited 2 long for me to come out of the office.When I finally got into his cab, he expressed his displeasure, and I snapped back.There was a lot of negative energy without much having been said.I got back home.The gate was security-locked.I suspected the worst.My sis opened the lock with a grim look.I asked her the question, usual for such times, is everything allrite with Dad? She confirmed my fears.He was again drunk, and yelling at everyone.Now he was sleeping.I left my dad in the morning after a very amiable conversation, something which is rare between us.But to come back home and get this, was far from what I imagined, as someone said, 'beware of ur expectations'.I knew my dad is an alcoholic and there is no guarantee when he will get 'drunk' and start all the row.But I was still not prepared today.After I got freshened up, and decided to watch some T.V., talk with my mom, dad woke up and started yelling.And somewhere I got the words'throw her out of the house, she has runied everything, my life, everything..'(her meaning me).When dad's sobre, I know he will never say anything like that.But this is something he believes in.I felt like crying out loud.Feel so choked right now.I wasn't the 'good' daughter.In my days of recklessness I blew up the money he saved for my marriage, and after having 2 affairs(in his knowledge) I refused to marry any.I was a deviant since childhood.I ran away from home at the age of 20.I did so many things which will make him unhappy.I said sorry for having hurt him many a times.But I was never really repentant for what I did in life. I never wanted to become the 'normal' girl.Thats why I did what I felt good doing.So my saying sorry to him still had that feeling of arrogance, of being 'self-made/un-made'...
I understand him in away noone else at home does.As a daughter I was the closest to him, and was his confidante for many years, and now as another alcoholic, I understand his problems, his mood swings, his sickness better.I wanted to help him.
I tried keeping big book under under his nose when he woke up in mornings.Though he didnt have much clue of my alcoholism, I decided to break the barrier, and risk it by keeping a pamphlet of 'A letter to a woman alcoholic' lying around his study table, my daily reflections book..everything to see that he gets the idea.I know AA isn't just his 'type of thing', but who knew, then, that one day I will want to seek help?But nothing happened.I wonder if he even picked any of them up..
As a child it had been my fantasy to see that my dad gets rid of alcoholism, and today, I am trying to kick it from my system.I find it 2 ironic and depressing.
Today after all this ruckus at home, I didnt feel like talking to anyone.An escapist from this reality at home which I have become over years, I quickly slipped out of home, leaving my sis and mom to deal with his drunkenness,and took shelter in a cyber cafe, typing out what I am feeling at the moment.
This is how self-centered, selfish and coward I am.I cannot deal with that kind of situation.It made me shaky when I didn't drink at all and even today after living at home now, an alcoholic, I still cannot handle it.And the feeling which dad has for me inside makes me feel even more threatened from my own self.I remember the first times when I picked up the drink to really get drunk was when I thought, 'anyways noone loves me, I am a goner, so better die out/do what I want to do with my life.'
I know I have to keep being strong, for each day that passes by.Today is trying, very trying.Its making me feel emotionally all clogged from inside.
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 20:15, 2008-03-24
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Wow -- you are in a really tough situation, Nisha. My heart aches for you. Is there any way you can move out of your parents' home? Living with an active alcoholic, never mind your dad, is an intolerable situtation. My father died in 2002, but when he was alive, I had a very complicated relationship with him, too. He also was an alcoholic. It bonded us together, in a very unhealthy way, but we were also like oil and water, not compatible. There were times that I wished I could help him, unlock the cage of anger/regret/self loathing he was in, but I could not (probably because I was in my own prison). I've always wanted to fix everyone, but never myself. I didn't think I was worth it. Sometimes I still don't, but I'm working on it. It sounds like you really want to help your dad, but perhaps for now you should just try to focus on yourself? I feel selfish doing so, but it is the only way I'm going to get healthy and stay that way. You deserve to get well. You aren't a bad person -- you're an alcoholic. It's wonderful that you're working so hard to get help. You are very strong.
I'm glad you were able to get out of the house and post here. Please continue reaching out to people, here and at meetings. The more meetings you go to, the less time you have to spend around the house.
If you believe that you are an Alcoholic "just one" is not going to make it all go away. If you believe you're an Alcoholic and believe that you suffer because of the disease of alcoholism you have to accept that having a drink is not going to help the situation. Not drinking will give you a chance. Not drinking has given you the chance to see what is happening in your life.
You are where we all have been and where some of us still are. The place of seeing and welcoming the change in ourselves and wanting the same for the ones we love.
I have a cousin who for the last few years has been in and out of the program. In and out of treatment, consultation, therapy, everything and everyplace. She wants to quit to get her high paying union job back but she has to have legitimate sobriety to do so. So she uses and goes into programs and gets kicked out and then just keeps doing it over and over. It's heartbreakingly pathetic. I tell her that she's like the coyote trying to catch the road runner, always trying the craziest ideas to beat the system and like the coyote never gets it. She quits for a few days or so to get herself into a program and then starts up again once she's in.
She knows my story, my recovery and the joy I have in my life today ... but nothing I can do or say will make her want it until she wants it. I have to accept that and love her unconditionally. It breaks my heart to see her crash and burn over and over again. All I can do is stay clean and sober and tell her I love her no matter what. My hope is that if the time comes where she may want to ask for help I pray that I haven't scared her away by wanting things on my timetable. It's all up to her and only her.
For me I found that I had to make my sobriety the most important thing in my life. I never fought so hard for anything in my life.
Your recovery is only up to you and only you. Please know and trust that you are doing all the right things, what you feel is normal. Be selfish. Take care of yourself. Stay sober. Keep coming back
Hi Nisha! Glad you came here to vent and didnt take a drink!One drink wont make it any better and that one drink eventully leads us right back to where we started. Got to moderate my first meeting tonight! They asked me when I got there so I wasnt prepared but by the grace of MY HP, it really was a great meeting!
Two girls shared that they had recently relapsed. One after 9 mos the other not sure how long she has in. The scariest part for me was both ended up in the hospital and both almost died! That for me is where one drink would lead me, maybe not today, but as experience from others has shown me, eventuallY!!!
The drama we feel at home was always there, and might always be there! But today we see it without clouding it all up. It can be painful but today with the help of AA we are going to be able to handle it someday and be a great example for others!
Just like saying your sorry to your family. Action not words will be forgiveness enough. As long as you keep doing what your doing things will and can get better! Your in my prayers!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks all of you for clearing a lot of the cloud.If it had not been for MIP, I would have been a goner for sure yesterday. Today I asked the lady member to be my sponsor.Still awaiting her response(e-mailed her)...I am feeling lots better today.My dad is ok, and he brought home Pizza(Iam the only one at home who eats it)...Very tired today.Didn't have much sleep yesterday.Tonite hitting bed early.Will come back tomorrow and post more.
Thank you, higher power for giving me the strength to seek help, to remain sobre and for guiding me to keep coming back.Thank you for helping Dad COME home today.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
