I had a strange couple of days.I didn't feel like working too much.Lots of conflicting thoughts kept hitting me.I popped on pills.Some nites I slept, some, I didn't.Some day I felt very, very low, and frustrated.Some day I was proud of myself, being able to keep sobre.One point, I was humble in accepting that more than anything else I had the right people at all the 'wrong' corners to take care of me and keep up with my whimsical stuff.I know now, that it was not just 'me'(who is me, by the way?) who has been there, its as if something, someone is there with me all the time.Otherwise how can one explain that I managed to 'stay put' even the times I felt like harming myself,not getting enough strength to say no to destructive relationship?
I have a long, long way to go.Right now the feeling is also'Nisha, what have u done to urself, just what did go wrong?'I know I am not equipped to look into these things, but they keep coming back to me in form of nightmares, in flashes of memory..
I realised yesterday at home that quite a long time had passed without me getting angry over anything.So, I am in a way experiencing the change I am undergoing, and quite positively.
Today my ex-boyfriend emailed seeking re-connection.I wavered for a while, took a deep breadth, thought of the hurt and pain he had caused, thought of the wife he has,remembered how I plunged into drunken-ness 6 months back when I discovered his lies, the humiliation, all the bad things I did to myself,my low-self-esteem, my coming back from that hell where self-destructiveness, pain and numbness caused by booze ruled,and now, back in AA with a sincerity and a realization that if it doesn't work this time, it never would, 'coz I will be dead anyways..I CHOSE not to respond.And I wouldn't.I don't want to go back in that hell.I want to get well.I want to live sobre.I want to be happy.I want to keep loving myself.I want to travel.To go back to the mountains which I love, to take those long walks.Fit into my fav pair of jeans.to wake up every morning feeling bright.To sleep without getting scared of nightmares.To be able to give someone a hug.To dance again.to be a productive member of family.manage my finances myself.to read books again.to write again.get that look of confidence on face back.Not to hide in my room at office everyday,not to keep plastic smiles on.so many more things, I am sure.
Today I am just grateful to be alive.And sobre.I cannot still trust myself what will I do 'tommorow'.But maybe, maybe I have seen the 'light', and maybe I have 'grown' strong, and maybe I 'have the strength' to fight back the demons.
-- Edited by Nisha at 01:17, 2008-03-07
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
In early sobriety, we need to stay away from places, things, AND people who might jeopardize our sobriety. Stay in touch with your higher power Nisha, and with your sober friends.
Sounds like you got a lot going on. These feelings and thoughts are normal. This is all part of the healing process as your body and mind start shedding the alcohol dependency. Many of us spent a great deal of our lives masking and covering these feelings with alcohol and drugs. It takes some time to become reorientated and begin dealing with them.
As you heal through sobriety, continue to seek out the program in any way that is available to you. Continue to go the meetings you are comfortable with and keep talking to people who provide that same comfort. Are you still in contact with that woman you told us about earlier? Continue sharing here, we are all listening. These new relationships will help break the old cycle of dependency with people, places and things that fueled your drinking.
Because of my alcoholism and drug addiction I can't help but ask you to be cautious of popping pills, dependencies often come in various guises. Apply the same attitude to them as you did with your ex. That took amazing strength to put your sobriety and well being first!
You're doing great, you are getting stronger, your higher power is guiding you. One day at a time it is all coming together.
Hand in there Nisha. "fake it till you make it" got me thru a lot of tough moments in early sobriety. Gratitude = Happiness. You will get more of what you are grateful for. And unfortunately you will get more of what you complain about as well. Be careful what you wish for. Hope these help
Hey NIsha Hope your feeling better today! Things will get better. Sounds like theres alot of things you enjoy doing! Get out and do them again! Keep your mind busy and fill it with happy, fun things. Get to some meetings, find a sponsor. Joy will return! They promise!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Sounds like you are making good decisions, Nisha. That is a gift of the program, whether you realize it or not. We get into the HABIT of reacting differently, when we practice it enough times. So glad to hear you are ok.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Yup..I am doing ok, even today.am in touch with the lady member, she's grt, write to her almost every other day.sometimes we sms 2.hope I can ask her to be a sponsor.I look forward to the forum for all the advice and wisdom I can gather.I certainly feel grateful for being able to come back here and start my recovery with you all.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Use the serenity prayer often. Go ahead and ask that woman to be your sponsor. If it doesn't work out you can get another. I asked a guy to be what we call a temporary sponsor. He was temporary for a year. :) He's still a friend.
Good work on the relationship. We usually recommend, if your not already in a relationship or marriage , to stay out of relationships or emotional entanglements for the first year. Its not a hard and fast rule but it was useful to me. My sponsor never told me what to do but I kept all dates free of deep emotional attachments. They always gave me headaches or made me want to drink. I had to work a fourth and fifth step before I could have a relationship. Even then it wasn't normal. I just didn't want to drink over it :)
Your doing great, keep your focus on living today well and tomorrow will come. None of those trips, blue Jeans and prince charmings can come in the future unless we live today well. We find we do not have to regret the past because it becomes the strength we use to help others. Keep comin Back Nisha :)
