01. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
02. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
03. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
04. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
05. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
06. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
07. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
08. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
09. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
38. Your friends love you anyway.
39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
that reminds me of my favorite nursing home joke.
Two old geezers sharing a room together. One remarks "I'd give anything to be regular again". His room mate exclaims, "the hell with being regular". the other asks "what's the problem with being regular?". His roomate replies "Every morning at 7am I take a wizz, then at 8am I take a dump". "so what's the problem" the other man askes? "I don't wake up till 10"
Ha ha Very funny!!!!!! Theyre all my patients too!!!!!!
Dean, #35 is for you!!!!! Oh and #17!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thought I might mention tis Deano's Bellybutton Bday on Saturday.. & it IS A BIG DEAL!!!! Oh & mine is on the 18th.. Obviously a big deal too ;) lol.. I'll be 31.. Thanks for the jokes, Lani. Many a true word spoken in jest.. Also, to let y'all know I'm going to concentrate on my homework over the next 10days & that I haven't flounced out for a cheeky one.. lol ~ Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
We wont forget you March babies on your special day!!!! Wow, Dean could be your dad!!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lol Bless~ed be, did you hear that Deaneo! Jeesh.. I suppose I could be flattered in some way as that can now make me feel really young! (Although I don't think that was the aim ;) lol Yeah, I made that up as a facetious trivialising of the deadly disease of alcoholism. I couldn't take much more of the reality lol Still sober today. Messing about though. Can't seem to settle to my homework. I've always been a mess~about type of person. Can't sit & behave, do what's right. I've prayed & handed over but am missing the link. The bit that actually gets it done.. Can anyone help? I expect it's a stating of the obvious.. I am in my own way.. Ta fellow folks! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hey Danielle! I too always had trouble focusing on my studies! Always had to wait until the last minute, feel the pressure than forge ahead. Try taking short breaks inbetween studying and dont overwhelm yourself in one big chunk! Focus when your into it and then while breaking, let it go for a while! Good luck, you can do it~
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
