I may have mentioned this, but I moved with my family to Florida from up north several months ago. I left behind a therapist who I had grown to trust. She was helping me deal with some terrible childhood abuse at the hands of my father (I won't elaborate in order to spare anyone who has gone through something similar). I still talk to her every few weeks. I always lied to her about the extent of my alcohol abuse.
I talked to her today and told her that I am working on staying sober and going to meetings. She doesn't doubt that I'm an alcoholic. But she seems concerned that I'm going to focus all of my energy on AA, at the expense of dealing with the abuse issues. I think she's worried that I will say, "Aha! Alcoholism is the root of all of my problems, and as long as I work on that, I'll be fine." If I don't continue working on abuse issues with her, she says, I'll wind up drinking or engaging in other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I am very conflicted and confused. I desperately want to get well, and to heal. It just feels overwhelming to try to do both -- stay sober and deal with these issues. What to do? I wish she had been more enthusiastic about AA, though she was glad to hear that I'm not drinking.
Hi Jen: Thats a lot to have to deal with right now. Staying sober to me IS dealing with the issues of my past and accepting what has happened without blaming myself. There are alot of people who see a therapist and go to AA as Im sure you will find as others share.
Maybe find a therapist in your new town that deals with alcohol and sexual issues. You said you had grown to trust her but "always lied about the extent of my alcohol abuse" As difficult as it may be I found I had to be absolutely honest in order to get well, or at least better. Still working on that after years of half truths!
As long as I am drinking I will not be able to deal issues that plague me. I always dreaded doing the bills and would have a couple cocktails to get thru it! 9 out of 10 times I would get so overwhelmed and hammered that I wouldnt even pay the bills even tho the money was there! I would never deal with my parents, husband or childhood issues because it was much easier to just drown them out or numb myself. As long as I was drinking I didnt feel overwhelmed trying to deal with both because I just wouldnt deal with it, I drank!
Your doing great and I would get some opinions from others that you are getting to know. There has to be a way to do both!!!
Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Well JC, nobody should try and advise against continuing to see a therapist (or take a break from), but I question her concern over you getting sober. What we have found out, by going through the process is that working on those issues while medicating ourselves with booze is next to useless because we aren't feeling anything. And working on those issues in early sobriety can cause us to drink over them. Many of us (most) have parental issues unresolved and a host of others, but we have to get a handle on our sobriety (get a year sober) so that we have a solid base and support structure so that we can deal with these issues. If you are comfortable with setting them aside for a while, then that's probably a good course. You sound like you're doing ok. You can always jump back into therapy, but you might find jumping back into sobriety a bit tougher. That's my two cents, don't spend it all in one place lol.
I'd do anything to move to warmer climate!!!! I can appreciate your dilemma regarding which demon to focus on the most. I'm not trained or educated on such disciplines but was seeing a Psychologist recently myself. It's funny how the world works but just when I was getting somewhere with him, I got into recovery. As I was doing the steps, I found that I was coinciding with what he was telling me. When I did steps 4, 5, 6 and 7, I found that I didn't really need him anymore. The steps are free and he is $140 an hour (my health insurance pays). I am not suggesting this will happen to you but you will go thru a major transformation if you do the steps. I'm just thinking out loud here really and am interested in what others have to say.
BTW, anybody catch that Oprah Webisode class last night? I tried to do it but the Net was crippled with all the people logged on. That author Echardt Tolle really isn't saying anything different than what the 12 steps will do for you, I think.
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
I signed up for that class too, and intuitively knew that logging on was a waste of time and I could catch up later lol. Funny you should mention how working the steps replaced therapy for you. This step study group in Pasadena spends 3 or 4 nights per step in a college lecture Q&A format. The same guys have been doing it for 20 years. Each year when they start, the older guy says "you're about to receive $1,000,000 in therapy for free" And I believe that he's right. My mother (who is 32 years sober now) was a mental patient for 15 years, 2 nervous breakdowns, continuous medication (that she drank on top of) till she got sober in '75. She was quickly off the meds and 6 months later was told by her psychiatrist that she didn't need to see him anymore (cool guy I saw him myself when I went thru a divorce in early sobriety).
What's stopping you from doing both? AA and Therapy. Since it sounds as if you need a new therapist anyway (since you moved), why not look for one that is well versed in addiction? .. Just my 2 cents.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Please know and understand that some of us here are not medically trained. Most of us are recovering alcoholics and drug addicts that have come to this program to help us quit our ways and find a better life for ourselves. Our recovery is our enlightenment. We are are motivated by gratitude and a desire to give back, to help others find hope and recovery from their alcoholism and addiction.
I can only encourage you to continue building your program and dealing with your alcoholism, as our friends have shared, it helped us go forward. Having said that I also encourage you to continue speaking with your therapist and embrace and incorporate your new found strength to that part of your life that also needs healing. You mentioned that you speak to her every few weeks, are your sessions with her over the phone or do you commute to see her?
As you talk to her, seek her guidance, continue to trust her and ask for help when you need it. You will hear, if you haven't already, people here often change groups and/or sponsors as their needs change. If you find yourself in similar waters seek a second opinion from another therapist who shares and encourages your desire to quit drinking.
Making choices are part of the promises fulfilled. You will know what is right for you.
You're doing great. Your strength is an inspiration to all of us. Keep going to meetings and keep coming back.
I've had to struggle with this since the beginning. Stay sober first worked for me. Working the steps will give you an opportunity to revisit family life when you are on stable footing. As i worked the fourth step, I took the stuff that was more about family to my therapist. First I had to get sober though.
I can totally identify with your dilemma.I have a therapist whm I have been seeing couple of time over past 18 months.And till 2 months back I had been lying to him about the seriousness of my alcohol problem.I don't know why but he has never encouraged/appreciated my engagement with AA program.So the result is that I stopped talking to him about it.Now, I realise that all my sessions weren't really working out desirable also becoz I was under the influence of alcohol.
As for now, I am confused with my program with him.I donot see myself equipped enough to deal with other problems I have, like also a childhood sexual abuse,and some major traumas I went thru as an adult.I have grown to realise that without sobriety there's nothing much I can do about my other issues at the moment.I tend to use booze to numb myself,or just 'drown' the memories which trouble me.And all that is more harmful.It makes recovery more difficult and over past few months I have wavered into and out of AA also because I use to plunge into these situations f helplessness where I didn't know what to do, and my therapist wasn't very helpful.
All for 14 months when I kept seeing my therapist, not regularly though, he told me that my situation will get better with counselling, and I donot need to go on medication.But since I had not been honest about my drinking, he didn't know the whole picture.I also believed then that the abuses and drinking are so disconnected I don't need to tell all.But, see when I finally admitted my problem about drinking, the first thing he did was take a U-Turn, and put me on pills(relaxants, perhaps theyr anti-depressants).
Last time I saw my therapist, which was 5 days ago, he told me I shouldn't drink anymore.But that's all he could do.I mean he cannot help me with a program which will help me keep sobre.
If u can find someone who understands 'addiction', it should help you out.But the primary focus has to be on sobriety for now, otherwise, u will end up losing more than what u gained(atleast I learn this the hard way.)
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
Many of us (most) have parental issues unresolved and a host of others, but we have to get a handle on our sobriety (get a year sober) so that we have a solid base and support structure so that we can deal with these issues.
I agree. Granted I had a lot of unresolved family issues when I sobered up, but I had to get a solid foundation in recovery and then work on those issues.
I'm currently back in therapy again as a supplement to my recovery in dealing with some pretty deep depression and family issues.
On page 133 (4th edition) of the Big Book, it specifically addresses the issues of using doctors and psychiatrists when need be in conjunction with AA and sobriety.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
