So its the 7th day, and also a friday.I have got 2 days ahead of me for myself, I have two choices: I carry work home, and pretend I am still in office and two, I sit in my own silence fighting the battle of refusing the drink.Cannot think of a third option at the moment.Perhaps it will come to me once I realise I have to face two full days on my own.

My family is getting bothered, I can see that they can see that all's not well with me. In my own anger at myself, and inability to see myself as a productive member of the family,I am losing it sometimes. So the best defence I got is clamping up, and talking only when required.

I am also fighting a lot of demons within myself.This is strange, but after 4-5 years, I am slowly disowning what decisions I took then.Its like, I did what I thought best THEN. But now its gradually looming on me that they were not the best ones, and there could have been different ways of dealing with situations. I know there is no point in beating up myself about it.However in my moments of self-pity, bitterness, and anger directed mostly towards myself, I get mad at myself.Its not that I always think of my past with bitterness. I have lived my life the way I wanted.I have made difficult choices.I have fought back against suffoctaing traditions and taboos.I have been working with people,trying to bring smiles to their faces. I have given services to people in most geographically adverse places. I have chosen those sections of society to work with whom the mainstream discards like a piece of tumour, or uses and throws them away.I have stood for rights of persons who were victims of violence of most inhuman kinds, even after their death.I have touched so many hearts in my course of work which is also a way of my living most of the times, inspired dozens.I am known as a strong woman who made all the difference.But somewhere on the way what is it that I did to myself? Where did that respect for myself go?why is it that I REALIZE that I am a big ballon full of helium, which sometimes helps me soar a little above the ground, and when the effect is passe, I need to come down, and get again refills.Its not consistent, its never sure.People look at the ballon, and smile and appreciate, and dream of flying high themselves, but for the balloon, its a different story.

I have been seeing a  counsellor lately, and he tells me I need to search every nook and corner of my soul, into my past, and reach a level of acceptance for all that I did.Is it what AA will call a moral inventory? Do I really need a  counsellor? In my city where I cannot find  a member physically whom I can hold on and cry sometimes, or just chat up regular, the counsellor beckons me.A phone call's fine but some times I need someone I am familiar with and can identify myself with.And there is no other female member in my town. And damn! a counsellor is expensive and I cannot afford it always.Also I donot wnat to grow dependent on him.

This is a lot of rambling off I guess. Thats what I am feeling at the moment. Thought if I could ofload this NOW, I can get along rest of the day,and also finish some of the assignments I have been dragging my feet along.

Thank you AA, thank you, The Higher Power, Thanks to all the members through out the world who keep praying for each other.