Hi JC,

Great to hear that by going to a meeting you found something you could use for yourself. You're doing all the right things.

I found myself going on that same roller coaster ride and it was no fun. Today when I accidentally get on that ride, and I do, the alcoholic in me, even after all these years has not gone away, loves it because it's very much an opportunity for him.  I definitely don't want to a see reunion tour from him!

I found as I went forward in sobriety there were more and more emotions. I was becoming alive again. Feelings I had suppressed and discarded were coming back to me. Through the steps I have found the tools to deal with them. I had spent a lifetime avoiding them and had never learned how to deal with them.  In the old days if someone upset me I'd go nuts and start drinking and never dealt with the issue. If I told you how long I would fester on something you would think I was certifiable. I once went 5 years without speaking to my father ... the first person who has continued to this day to be the first one to help me. Even at 90 he still does and with my new feelings, I know and cherish how much I need him everyday.
 
In the moments of confusion, I know today to ask for my higher power to help me. I ask for guidance to find what is the right thing to do. The right thing is  usually pretty obvious and by being sober I can recognize it and accept it.

JC you're doing great. You really are. Thanks for being here today. Keep coming back

JC all that stuff you're going thru is par for the course. I remember the roller coaster well. I came to the conclusion at about 2 months that the way to avoid the low lows was to moderate my highs. When I felt this euphoric feelings coming on I'd use the energy to do something constructive or exercise. The reason that we have such a range of emotions, when we first get sober is two fold. First we were/are accustomed to the all or nothing mentality, that everything is either "great" or "it sucks". The reason for that is that we are so conditioned to approval (which is a whole other topic), so we're always looking for the big bang and to be entertained to distract us from how we really feel about ourselves and our situation. Second we have been numbing our feelings with booze (and other things) for so long that we really don't know to handle it when our feelings return. Best thing to do is not think about it. That's why you'll hear this is meetings: "When an alcoholic is alone he/she is in bad company" or "When we are up in our head, we're in a bad neighborhood", or "My best thinking got me here, or almost killed". Just tell your brain to shut up, that's what I do.

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 14:54, 2008-02-28

Hey J:
I think we've all been just where your at. I felt the same way and my mind can still play tricks on me and I think, "Im not that bad!" My sponsor pointed out to me that these things havent happened to me "YET!" How true is that! If I would have kept on the path I was on, all those bad things and worse could hAVE HAPPENED TO ME!

Hang in, your doing great!

I was holding onto the rails of that rollercoaster for dear life. Around and around, up and down. Someone asked me exactly what I was feeling and I guess it was the clutching on as I spun round so hard I couldn't hold on anymore. I closed my eyes so I could describe wha I was feeling a little better and the person waited till I was really into it and said, Now let go!

For a very brief moment as i let go and flew through the air I felt calm and peace and something else. A warm comfort???

At that moment I first experienced what it might me like to be held in the arms and embrace of a Higher power. Thats not what we talked about, but I knew that was the beginning of understanding what they meant when we say Let Go.