Today is my first day at work after the turmoil.Am feeling little shaky.Pressing deadlines,my own nerves not just right, a big uncertain future.I tried not to think about negative things and about HIM last night when I reached home. But couldn't help remembering the time I had, felt lumps in my heart when I remembered the good times, and the promises he made.Somewhere inside me I felt that maybe all was not exactly so terrible.Perhaps, perhaps, he loved me, loves me. Perhaps he is really caught up in a bad marriage,and is totally messed up.I know also that even if all this is true that gives him no right to hurt me the way he did. And even if all this could be true I cannot expose myself to another risk of betrayel and heart burns. I have seen I cannot handle that, and i know, I don't really deserve it.Inspite of all the logic, the heart still yearns.How does one deal with it? The first thing I have done is to delete all his numbers from my mobile and block him from chat lists and all, so that even if I am tempted one fine day, I donot end up doing it.When he was there with me, I broke my handset in a fit of rage.I was going to Pune the next day.So he lent me his mobile.I still have his handset, which I need to return.Maybe I should just courier it back to him, or give it away.
I refused myself the first yearning of drink I had last night.I know its only the begining, long way to go.I know if I keep on drinking, I will keep getting all the negative,self-destructive thoughts about myself.I will go on hurting and blaming myself for evrything I did.I will keep going back to HIM for temporary gratifications and nurturing a relationship which is hurtful and fires resentment inside me.
I need a lot of courage and hope.I want you on my side.I want to hold ur hands and learn walking again.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
There is only one person that should be in your priorities right now. That is you, Nisha. Courrier the handset back. In early recovery, our total focus must be on getting well. If we let someone else play with our emotions, we are setting ourselves up to fail.
what he said ^^^^^. without sobriety, nothing of value is possible. But if we put our sobriety first and mantain it, then anything is possible. First things first.
You have to put yourself and your recovery first, or you won't have a recovery. The most important thing in your life right now is your sobriety. Without my sobriety I wouldn't have anything.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
In my early days of recovery, I was in a terrible relationship - I being as responsible as her for what was wrong. It took me a long time to get to that realization. The days of "if you really loved me you would"are gratefully behind me.
I'd like to share with you something I heard someone share who had heard it from someone who had heard it from someone etc etc.
The speaker said there were 5 elements of love necessary to be in a relationship.
First and foremost, you had to have love for your self. Second, you had to have love for your higher power. Third, you had to have love for your immediate family. Fourth, you had to have love for inner circle of good friends. Lastly, you had to have love for your livelihood and the people there.
Over time this has taught me that if I was happy with myself, God, my Mum and Dad, my friends and my work, how could I NOT be happy with the person I want to share my life with.
It helped change me from "if I only get this" to "I have this to share".
For me drinking would only erode and destroy all that love. Drinking is not an option for me. This program has given me the tools to have these elements of love in my life.
I got myself involved in a very unhealthy relationship a few years into my sobriety.
The end result was I went out and drank again after 4 years sober.
He was so not worth it. No one is worth sacrificing my recovery over.
I had these awful feelings of impending doom when I drank again. My emotions were all over the place. I had a tremendous sense of fear that I couldn't put my finger on. I would cry at the drop of a hat.
It took two months of binge drinking, progressing to blackouts, and driving in a blackout before I crawled back into the rooms of AA.
Thank you for reminding me once again that it only gets worse, never better, should I choose to drink again.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Your sharing reflectes my own memories. 'crying at the drop of a hat' is exactly what I have been feeling these days.And its a miracle that instead of going back to booze, for the first time in my life I have decided to give my recovery a honest shot.
I cannot express whats going on inside me, its like I wish to cling to members who understand, I need people to keep reminding me that I am still good, and that I can recover, most of it I need to keep telling myself that u still got a life ahead, and keep looking,counting what blessings I got and trying to discover new interests...
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
