Thought I would take the time, in between my studies today for class, to share my story, in a general way.
What it used to be like:
I enjoyed drinking in my early college-age years. I had grown up feeling a bit inferior to my peers, even though I seemed to have had all that a young lady would need to make it in this world. I still always felt "different". So I found that when I drank, the feelings of inferiority disappeared, and I was the life of the party. I could be anything I wanted to be. The problem is, I made very poor decisions while drinking. I would come-to the next day feeling guilty and shameful of the things I had done while drunk. So I would vow not to get myself into those situations again. But when the hangovers and the guilt would wear off, I would convince myself I could go out for a drink or two, and I would CONTROL it this time. But the more I TRIED to control it, the less control I had over it.
I started getting DUI's in my early 20's. One would think that a person with some intelligence could learn after the first time that driving drunk was not a good idea, right? Besides, my mother had died in a drunk driving accident when I was only 4 years old. Talk about guilt and shame, as I went to various court hearings for my DUI's. But the guilt, shame, and sense of doom only increased and it drove me to drink more, and more often. I started to NEED alcohol physically, or else get very sick for days on end.
I stopped hanging out with high school friends who were 'getting on with life', because I thought they were party-poopers. The reality is that they could not and would not drink like I wanted to drink. But I rationalized away the thought that I might have a problem by doing what I had always done when faced with hard questions about myself. I went out and had a drink. And another. And another. And I repeated this cycle until no one would drink with me because I was so out of control. So I began to drink alone, at home. I got rid of all the friends, boyfriends, and family members in my life who stood in the way of my drinking. I even went so far as to lie to family members who thought they were supporting me through school, so my rent would be paid. I was not going to school. I had dropped out to drink.
I got involved with some very 'unsavory' characters (as my father later called them). I got into a lifestyle of things that helped me stay up and drink more. Of ways of making money where I could drink and party the way I wanted to. I do not think I drew a sober breath for probably 6 years at that point. Inside, I had just come to the conclusion that I could not stop, so why bother trying. I was destined to die an alcoholic death, and that was a comfort to me. I think I was even trying to hurry the process along. My skin was yellowish and although I was skinny, my abdomen was swollen. I now know that my liver was probably already suffering, in my mid 20's. My hair was falling out too, so I shaved my head and punked myself out.
I had gone from a talented, artistic young girl from the suburbs who loved science and biology, to a drug-addicted alcoholic living on the streets. I even had some older boyfriends who had tried to take care of me and help me to get better, but I was constantly on the run. I could have lived like a Queen if I had wanted to, but I knew in my heart there was no love for anything or anyone else but the next drink and the next hit of whatever.
What Happened:
I ended up in jail on misdemeanors several times. Sometimes I wanted to believe things could be different once I got out. Other times, I welcomed a "vacation" from the insanity I was living in. I found my Higher Power in jail when the cel doors slammed closed, but I left him there when the cel doors opened up and I was free again.
I became horribly injured and inconscious do to an attack, and I had staples in my head, as a direct result of messing with the wrong person out there on the streets. I decided to enter treatment and give AA a try. I received inpatient treatment and counselling for 90 days. I met women in AA who had similar stories as mine, who helped me to realize that I was not alone, nor was my case unique. This was my first ray of hope. I was taught that I had a disease called alcoholism. And it was treatable, and that I was not "bad", just "sick".
I struggled through the years in and out of AA. My near-death experiences (yes, more than one) out on the streets had caused a lot of other problems which I had a hard time dealing with emotionally. A family friend in the legal system finally recognized that I needed some intensive help. So I entered an outpatient program for 18 months, which not only addressed my alcoholism and addiction issues, but it also required that I see a doctor and a therapist regularly. For me, this is what I needed in conjunction with AA in order to start believing in life, and get better.
I went to meetings, got a great sponsor and a home group, WORKED THE 12 STEPS, and I kept all my other appointments and counseling. I fell down a few times in my recovery when I would stop doing what I needed to do to maintain sobriety. But I was always lifted back up by those in AA who loved me, and told me to keep coming back and keep working those steps.
At about 2 years sober, I discovered that it was time to start pursuing some of my dreams. I started back to school, and I got several great jobs. I was terrified that my old "record" would bar me from ever getting a decent job. I was wrong. I was honest with employers, including a huge hospital, about the minor infractions I had had in years past, and I candidly told them what I had been doing to stay sober and become a useful member of society. I was trained and worked a few medical jobs over the span of 7 years. I also worked at the treatment center where I had once been a patient.
I became complacent at points, and thought I "had arrived" a few times. I fell down in my recovery, (including a few months after my wedding to a non-alcoholic), and what I learned from those experiences has been extremely valuable to myself and other recovering friends around me. No matter what has happened, I have always Kept Coming Back.
What it is Like Today:
By the Grace of my Higher Power, it has been many years since I have had any more minor legal infractions. I have been very fortunate. I had always loved the medical field, and today I am in my last 3 weeks of a 15 month program, where I will be a Diagnostic Technician. It is hard to believe that enough time has gone by since my old days of getting into trouble, that I am employable in the field that I LOVE.. But it is true. According to the law, I am. And it is my first love, medicine and biology, and I am so gratefuI for one more chance. Even if things turned out differently job-wise, I could still be happy, I know I could. But it is the icing on the cake of my life right now. I have a terrific marriage to a very loving, hard working man. I have a beautiful old home which keeps me constantly busy with all it's drips and clangs and bangs. I have loving pets I can take care of today, and 2 step sons who love me and know that I am stable and love them. But more importantly than these outside things, I have true peace of mind. I have true friendship in AA. I know what I need to do every single day in order to maintain the ability to become all that I can be. And it lies right here in the program. I have purpose today.
I humbly remember, without irrational fear of the past, what got me to AA. And I have learned through painful experience and relapse how to STAY in AA. I like myself and where I am headed. I believe every day that I am headed in a good direction, no matter what life throws at me. I have a deep understanding that life may not go as I plan it, but that something good will come out of whatever happens, so long as I keep remembering WHO is really in charge. I have real serenity and joy on most days, and when I don't, I know exactly where I can go to find some gratitude again. I can go to a meeting, or to the Big Book, or call my sponsor, or simply pray to my Higher Power for Acceptance and Guidance. I can share my own experience with another alcoholic, and I can give back to the program. All this is my "AA Insurance Policy" that I can continue to remain sober. Because I do NOT want to drink today, by the Grace of God.
I hope someone here can benefit from my story. I really believe that if there was hope for me, then there is hope for everyone in AA. I know that sharing this with you all today has helped ME tremendously.
Keep coming back! It REALLY REALLY DOES WORK!!!!
-- Edited by jonijoni at 16:23, 2008-02-25
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Wow Joni, what an amazing story of hope and inspiration, thanks for sharing your story here, I really find it so helpful to my sobriety. You sure are a grateful survivor!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Thank you for sharing! Im so glad to be blessed with your friendship!
It can only get better!!!!!! xo Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thank you so much for sharing. It is an amazing share filled with hope and inspiration. Your gratitude shone through it for me and you have reminded me just how much I have to be grateful for. Thank you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thankyou for your ES&H, Joni! Your Story is of real inspiration for me & I hope I can emulate your hardwork. I've much of it to do. You've won a shame~free life today & I aspire to that too. I've some way to go but by your light I hope to follow & have a story of my own as inspired by yours. Thanks for sharing all of this with us. I've experienced your wisdom & kindness many times & you've helped me more than you know. Thankyou for your giving again & again. Thank God you're here! ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
