So I went to a noon meeting near my office. A few people figured out that I was new -- I guess I still look pretty crappy, despite my best efforts. It was a good meeting. The leader of the meeting read from the book (which at first I thought was the Bible and I was ready to bolt!). It was a passage about how alcoholics cannot drink like a "normal" drinker but expend a lot of energy trying to, or wishing they could. I really do believe that I can't drink safely. Even if I could control it for a while, eventually I'd be out of control again. It's not a matter of whether I would lose everything if I drink, it's when. I don't have to go down as low as other people have, lose more, hate myself more. I've gone down low enough. I got a bunch of numbers. I even talked a little (though I started off by saying, "I'm ___ and I'm .....um....) and got a white chip. It felt awful at first but good by the end.
I am smiling from ear to ear, Jc, because you have reached out today, and that is marvelous. Every baby step we make is actually a BIG step of Willingness, which is the Key to How this works. HOW it works is Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness. You have begun to see HOW it works now. And I am so proud of your accomplishments today at the meeting! It takes a lot of guts, and it gets easier as time goes on. I commend you!!
AA encourages us all to find our OWN Higher Power. It is not Bible-based. It is merely a "Power greater than yourself" that you can figure out for yourself when the time is right. It can be an energy in the Universe, or even the AA group itself. Eventually you will find something to lean on that is personal and works for you, and no one will try to take it away from you or convince you that you are wrong about what you feel in your heart.
You said "it's not a matter of whether I would lose everything, but WHEN." Never truer words were spoken from an alcoholic in recovery. You are actually working out the First Step of the Twelve in your mind and heart right now. Step 1: "Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." You are getting this, even though you may not even realize it yet. If you get to know a woman in AA whom you can trust, who has some long-term recovery under her belt, you can continue to explore the Steps, and see how by our admission of having a problem, and our reaching out for help, we can get better and better each day.
Thank you for coming here and letting us know how your journey is going. It is really so helpful to me in my own recovery, to see someone reaching out the way I have had to reach out as well. It continues to get better, Jc, it really does.
Keep coming back!!
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Thanks folks. And thanks Bob -- one of the women I met today gave me a copy of the "Big Book" and also a copy of Living Sober. I started reading the Big Book tonight. Pretty profound stuff. I think the idea that alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol is brilliant, though a bit simplistic. I worry that I can use that as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for my drinking. I feel very much like I bear a lot of the blame for it.
Anyway, another day under my belt. Thanks everyone!!!
So glad that you got to a meeting yesterday and also got a copy of Big Book and Living Sober. I'm pleased that you have got a bunch of 'phone numbers, too. That's a really important tool in our program of recovery. I make sure that I have plenty of contact with other recovering alcoholics every day.
Just keep going to meetings and it really will start to get better for you. And, please keep posting here and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thanks folks. And thanks Bob -- one of the women I met today gave me a copy of the "Big Book" and also a copy of Living Sober. I started reading the Big Book tonight. Pretty profound stuff. I think the idea that alcoholics have an allergy to alcohol is brilliant, though a bit simplistic. I worry that I can use that as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for my drinking. I feel very much like I bear a lot of the blame for it.
Anyway, another day under my belt. Thanks everyone!!!
check out the story in the big book, starting on the lower part of page 37 known as "the jaywalker parable"
I felt somewhere nearly like you when I went to my first meetings.I am an atheist, hence having a book looking like a bible didn't help much. Now its home.The book is my courage.The meetings and members my inspiration, and space where I feel more secure than anywhere else.
I could never practise AA properly.I am again back after another disastrous situation.This time instead of running back to my old friend, my bottle, I decided to give my recovery another chance.I have stooped low, and it goes worse with each passing day.The more I think I would be able to manage alcohol, the worse it becomes....So hang on, before its too late you people liek u and me.
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The most practical, beautiful, workable philosophy won't work- if you won't.
