After I read all of the replies to my most recent post I looked up a meeting and found one at 10 PM about 45 minutes from my house. I told my husband I wanted to go. He begged me not to -- he was afraid it was too late, too far, maybe in a bad part of town, that I would go get drunk instead. Also, he asked me why I thought I needed to go. He seemed really upset at the thought that I might want to drink. I felt ashamed and weak, and I didn't want to admit to him how much I was craving a drink. I think he thinks that admitting I have a problem and going to one meeting means I won't drink anymore. I know he means well but he doesn't get it. Then again, neither do I, so how can I expect him to? I do know this: some very bad things are going on inside my head. It's all out war. One moment, I think: I have a lot of people in my life who love me. There must be reason for that? Then, I think: They love who they think I am, who I want them to see, and if they knew the real me, they would despise me. Another point-counterpoint: I can do this, get better, be a healthy, happy woman/mother/spouse. Then: I'm fatally flawed, irreparably harmed, black at the core, and I'll never get better.
Last year I had a brain tumor, and had surgery. I had a complication from it and nearly died; I spent over a week in intensive care, on the brink. Sometimes I think I should have died. It would have been the perfect, tragic tale; it would be better than me dying a slow, messy death of alcoholism, leaving a trail of destruction and pain in my path.
Sorry everyone. I'm feeling sorry for myself today I guess. Thanks for all of your messages.
No need to overcomplicate all of this experience. You are emotional and that is normal, you are human. I've told my story many times, in person, to recovering people, doctors, friends etc. It is a horrific story, full of shameful, harmful, painful, illegal, disgusting and hurtful times. When people come up and hugged me afterwards, I first thought, what the hell is wrong with you, didn't you hear what I just told you? You should be horrified and be running away screaming. I'm striving for progress, not perfection now. Since I have followed the steps, I am free of all that guilt, shame and fear, can replace all that negativity with positivity. I am a cancer survivor (4 years now) and can live on life's terms. It truly is a better life now, far from perfect, of course. It's not about me anymore but rather about us. I accept all help, trust my higher power and feel free of the bondage that was hellbent on killing me. Ask anybody here or in meetings...don't be surprised if their story is very similar to mine. Can you have a happy life, free of substance abuse? You betcha!!!!!!!
Scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
you didn't drink! It's natural for the spouse to sorta be in denial about alcoholism. Sometimes they even sabotage it unknowingly by saying "it's not that bad"... Those feelings you are having are "normal" for a recovering AA. It's the core issues that we have to get to and work on later, after we put the drink aside. Certainly don't dwell on them now. That's what your disease wants you to do so that you'll drink. So keep your head Today, and only today. Calling AA to arrange for a women to take you to some meetings would be very helpful for you for a number of reasons. Hang in there
It's really good to know that the woman you met at AA is going to pick you up and take you to a lunch time meeting.
Keep focused on the fact that you didn't have a drink. That's a terrific achievement and one that you should be proud of. It's not easy in the early days of sobriety, but it really will start to get better for you. In the meantime, it's little baby steps. Don't worry about what's going on in your head right now. It happens to everyone and we've all been there.
Just concentrate on one day at a time. The rest will fall into place in its own good time.
Please let us know how your meeting goes for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
JWC, I am very glad to hear the you got through the weekend ok.
I don't know if it would help you as well as it did my co-dependant and me, but I would recommend you aquire "My Name is Bill W" starring James Woods, Jo-Beth Williams, James Garner, and Gary Sinise, and ask your husband to watch it with you, (or by himself).
It helped my wife understand a little better about the nature of an alcoholic.
Good Luck!
-Dan
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 12:58, 2008-02-25
-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 12:59, 2008-02-25
Not only are WE confused at first about what it takes to start to recover, but our spouses and families are often extremely confused as well. I can see how and why your husband would be over-protective. My husband was very much the same way. But the longer I stay sober, the less 'protective' he feels he has to be. AA gives me greater independence and freedom, and it shows. There are some terrific pamphlets available at meetings, and also at your local AA Inter-group Office, that are created for the families of alcoholics who are getting sober. Perhaps you and your family could find out where your local AA Intergroup Office is, and pick up a few pieces of literature to read together? The pamphlets usually only cost some spare change at the office, and are free at meetings. These pamphlets outline what it is that we alcoholics need to do, what kind of space we need to do it, and how the family can help in the best ways. There is also the Chapter in the Big Book called, "To Wives". It was written back when the husband was thought to usually be the alcoholic, but it very much applies in a reverse-gender roll. Also you can find the Chapter there in the Big Book entitled, "The Family Afterward". It helps the family further in being supportive and understanding of a newly sober alcoholic, as well as how to deal with their own fears properly. Then there is Al-Anon, if your husband feels that he wants to become more actively involved.
This thing called recovery from alcoholism is often a family process, Jc. If we have (as you have mentioned) a physical illness, the sufferer and the family generally learn as much as they can about the treatment, the side effects, and what to watch out for. It is imperative that the family treat the disease of alcoholism in the very same way, to get the best result from the "treatment". (AA) Your husband sounds very supportive, which is a good thing. Some folks' families just want to look the other way, but even these folks can be happy and sober in AA.
You seem to be at a stage in your thinking where the disease of alcoholism, the "thinking part", is trying its hardest to keep hold of you, by inserting a lot of negative thoughts and attitudes about yourself into your consciousness. I encourage you to keep reaching out, and let yourself get involved with at least one other woman in the program of AA with some long-term sobriety, who can help you straighten out those thoughts and remind you of the TRUTH, when those old lies come into your head. You ARE valuable, and beautiful, and worthy of a better life in recovery. God (or your Higher Power) has brought you through too much in life to drop you on your butt now. If you seek, your HP (abbreviation for Higher Power around here) will grant you exactly what and WHO you need in your life at the right moments. It was not a coincidence that you stumbled upon this website. It was a small miracle, and there are plenty more in store for you if you can just hang on for a bit and "keep coming back".
(((((hugs))))) Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hi JC My husband was in AA years ago and boy was I mad! Mad because he was gone every night in the beginning and talking to men alot, lunches, etc. Felt like I was on the back burner for a while and I felt hurt and alone! (Funny I just shared this w/ Quetzal!) But, bottom line was: He needed to take care of him! If he didnt, we wouldnt be together today!
You said your husband went to alanon in the beginiing I think. Be as open and honest as you can be with him and encourage him to hit a few meetings. If your not an alky its sooo hard to relate to what another person is going thru. Like the above all said...The better educated he is the better!
Most of all, like I said, be honest with him and where your at...That can be hard to at least for me, because I lied so much to him before!!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
JC, It's nice to know that while your husband doesn't "get it" you have......you know that you need help. My daughter sort of was like "what the hell are you doing with AA?!!! You don't even drink!!!!" True. However, as in an earlier reply to you.....alcoholism WAS effecting me, physically and more so mentally. I NEEDED to understand, NEEDED to know what to do/not do. I WANTED BETTER FOR ME, AH, FAMILY. I continued doing the program, ignoring her prodding ect. Even suggested she get into it/ALANON. She didn't. For me, however, certain things regarding my character would have went unchecked. I too thought about death. It hurt so much.......my husband walking out, refusing to get help and continuing to drink. It was WHAT I NEEDED rather than WHAT I WANTED that is being stressed here. I feel my being has become truer to what HP wanted it to be. I'm different than before. If I had not followed through I shudder to think what would have happened or where I'd be today. I was left with virtually nothing but me and had two children to still get through HS. I had no idea where to go, what to do, ect. I kept coming back. I got cancer, too. It seemed far easier to go through because the program was by then engrained in my persona. I used it repeatedly, never fearing how bad ect. I did it!! Cancer free 5 yrs now!!!! Bills came left that AH did not pay. I gringed with each and yet tackled them a little at a time. I got through it. Had one utility cut off. Found ways to get around the loss of it. (HP apparently watching over me. LOL/ThankYOU!) There is more, however, I don't want to bore you to death. LOL I've told serveral friends when they ask "how?" I simply say ...... a little thing called AA. They look amazed until I explain. I am NOT ashamed of any of it. Not ashamed that I went to get St. Aid for health (this before I got my present job and before thank God I was diagnosed with cancer. I paid my own bills......and never used it. Not ashamed I didn't have access to money as before. It all made me stronger. And alot of that strength came from the AA program. Yes, there was fear, anxiety, depression ect. Days I surely didn't want to do anything, wanted to ignore it all, and got down emotionally. I just kept coming back to AA. I told myself that if others could find "life" so could I. As for your husband. Perhaps ask him if he would deny you medical treatment if you had a serious disease like cancer. I bet he says no. Then share WHY it is important that you go to meetings ect. ALCOHOLISM is a DISEASE!!!! I have to admit I was sort of in a place where he is now. Thought one could stop drinking with a snap of a finger if they wanted to. That was before things got sooooo bad with AH. I NOW understand it alot better!!!! If you want you may use my own words. Show/tell him what I have said. There are alot of people in this world who "think" ......."this can't be, this is not happening to me, ect." I can tell for fact it does. We have an image that the alcoholic is one who wears tattered clothes, lives in the streets, ect. Some are, but there are ALOT more that have beautiful homes, wear designer clothes, hold good paying jobs, and have wonderful families. For all appearances to the outside world they are normal. YET they KNOW they are drinkers and have no control over their problem. So if that is his problem, he better think twice. I admire you for coming back and back and back again to this board. That is what it is here for. We'll support you with every effort, we will encourage you anyway we can. It is very good to know you have not given up hope. Stay among the flock and in time this will be your past. You will be the example to do the same for someone else. To close.....I borrow the words of an ALANON friend...... IN SUPPORT OF!!! Wanda
