Thankyou all for the love, patience & forbearance you reciprocated to my wanting to run around in the boundaries. There were thoughts of 'I'm not an alcoholic.. well I might not be.. I won't know unless I try.. I'm sure I could drink differently now.. I can be normal' yadda & so forth but really it wasn't long into my freedom that I knew in my heart of hearts that I wouldn't have what I have today if it had not been for stopping that ridiculour habit of mine in the first place. I know it didn't get as bad as how it can be but it really didn't & doesn't need to. A couple of days in & I knew I wanted to keep my sobriety with or without AA so I stayed close & listened to all the love that's been shared on MIP for the last week. I didn't go to any meetings but I hadn't been to many for a long while anyway (aha you say) lol I wanted to free my head from the fear & negativity I was in. I wasn't enjoying living by the fear of not taking a drink & having to adhere to the program at all costs in order not to do so. I had to side step that illusion & realise fully that I wasn't taking a drink for no other reason than I didn't want to. I was getting abit stuck in the program & hating myself for my lack of perfection. I can be terribly competitive too. I'm glad I've gotten from under that heady thinking now. I've come back cuz I want it. They say the program's for those who want it, not those who need it & to come with honesty, openmindedness & willingness. Well. all these had disappeared for me & I needed a drastic action to snap me out of it. To break free from the chains I'd set myself & to come back with the humility & gratitude I prefer & needed. We can get tied up in the Steps sometimes & overanalyse. This alcoholic can. I wanted to stay fresh~minded & to know these principles are universal through the best wisdoms anyway. I feel like I've pushed through the threshold I needed & I've awoken to some of the stuff inside I couldn't quite reach before. I'm ready, again, to do whatever it takes & to start recognising my assets. I think this has been a problem for me so far. With all the right~sizing of ego, my self~esteem had been taking a plummeting & I had had some or at least a positive self~image at one time. Not a great one, mind, or I might have done more for myself by now unless I accept ofcourse that this disease was having me off all along. I hope I'm ready for a new phase of development. I'm heading 1Day@aTime for my 18mths on April Fools Day through another birthday in March & maybe the best of me really is yet to come & whilst working a program too. Fancy that! I thought it was doing me in. Felt like that sometimes ;) So for anybody else out there who's feeling the pinch cuz their program putting them to rights ~ Tell us all about it. I sure as hell know it's not all plain sailing. There's the best of intentions involved though & afterall ~ It's a program of love, healing & forgiveness with that Higher Power running all the way throughout. That's the best bit for me.. That & fellowship ;) Thanks for all of yours. Thanks & prayers, Danielle x
Ps. Going to Book Study this morning & Women's meeting tomorrow night.. After that ~ I'll keep you posted ;) Thanks for being here MIP & keeping me sober today.. Dx
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
It's just so good to see you posting again and you have put a big smile on my face. Thank you for that.
I know what you mean about having thoughts that maybe I'm not an alcoholic and so on. I had those for a while, but then I really thought back to my drinking days with an honest mind and I just knew that if I picked up again things would get so much worse than they had been.
I also know what you mean about getting stuck in the program. When that happens to me I go to different meetings and listen to other people. It helps. I also try hard not to let myself over analyze myself when working the steps. I have a bad tendency to do that, or just look at the bad character defects that I have. Now, I try to look at my good character defects, too.
I'm sure that the best is yet to come for you Danielle ... and you deserve it so much.
Have a super day, won't you?
With love,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
As I said to you earlier, each of us has to make our own decisions, but the AA door is always open. I hope you can find that path which is truly yours.
Wow, great to see you back and great to see that smile, looks so good on you. I love your point about people wanting the program and people needing the program. It's always the smaller sounding points that are the most powerful. Thanks for coming back, we need your wisdom!!
scott
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Yea Danielle!!!!!! You sound great!!!! Glad to see your lovely smiling face!!!!!
Everything you said is so true for me too! It is all a little overwhelming and who wants to look at themselves! Not me!!!! Who wants to go to meetings eveyday! Who wants to read AA lit all the time and "practice these principle in all our affairs!!!?" Not me on some days!
But the reality for ME, if I dont, I get back all the shit I hated!!!! Or like your saying, it could all get worse!!!
So, Im not ready or willing to have all that stuff back. We get what we put into it!!! Thanks for the reminder! I know weve all been where youve been, but thank God, your back and none the worse for it!!! Possibly better than ever!!!! Love ya!!!!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thanks for being here. I'm grateful that your program has a wonderful inventory of tools. Thank you for sharing them with us.
What a wonderful day here today in MIP, the place is just bursting with love. There is so much good here. I truly feel blessed to be here.
Who knew?
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Even after all these years ... they still blow my mind.
Ladies and Gentlemen our Higher Power is in the house.
Welcome back Danielle. Nice to have you back. Thanks to for the share. Yeah, sometimes we all have those moments when the steps seem like binding gawd awful chains. For me, it seems the "medicine" I need most and am sqwauking about taking.....is the very one that will do me the most good in the long run. Hope you'll stick around. Wanda
"Yes, respecting alcohol, I guess I have to be dependent upon A.A., but in all other matters I must still maintain my independence. Nothing is going to turn me into a nonentity. If I keep on turning my life and my will over to the care of Something or Somebody else, what will become of me? I'll look like the hole in the doughnut." This, of course, is the process by which instinct and logic always seek to bolster egotism, and so frustrate spiritual development. The trouble is that this kind of thinking takes no real account of the facts. And the facts seem to be these: The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. Therefore dependence, as A.A. practices it, is really a means of gaining true independence of the spirit.
I definitely know what you mean by getting stuck in all the self-analysis. For me recently, while I have still been working the Steps to the best of my ability, I have GOT to have some breathing room from that at times. I cannot go at this like I am Dr. Sigmund Freud trying to solve a puzzle.... because the simple fact is that I don't have to "figure everything out". My Higher Power already has everything figured out, without any help from me. Sure, I need very much to look into my grosser handicaps, as the BB calls them, but I can't fix them all at once!! One Day At A Time certainly applies to that too! And for that matter, "I" still don't have the Power to do the fixing. I can't fix a dang thing of my own knowledge and power and analysis. If we could have fixed ourselves in the first place, we would not have ended up in AA.
Like Quetzal mentioned, I had to change-up my AA schedule. While any meeting is a good meeting, I had to get a fresh perspective. So I got a different home group, and now I find that it is right where I am suppsed to be, and it is providing for me everything that I need in a meeting. It also provides a different way for ME to give back every week. There were years when I needed to hear leads (stories shared) a lot. Then there were years when I needed discussion meetings. Now I am ready for, and engaging in the Big Book studies. I found it hard to stay in the same routine after awhile, while I was attending certain meetings where I was feeling "stuck", or else taking things and people for granted. It doesn't mean I was a bad person, it just meant that I was ready to move on WITHIN the program.
I don't know if you have a pamphlet available to you where you are, but it is published by AA here in the US. It is called "Alcoholics Anonymous Second Reader". It talks about how after a year or so some of us get to feeling a little stale, and also we might start to feel like we are not the "kind" of AA we thought we would be, along with some other common issues. It discusses the different TYPES of AA's there are, like the ones who speak a lot, the ones who read a lot, the ones who are hell-bent on self-exploration, the ones who sponsor tons of new people... that we don't have to try to be all of these things all of the time. It is really an awesome pamphlet, and has helped me not to beat up on myself so much, and just relax into my sober life in AA, while keeping up whatever work I am doing on myself without "rushing" anything, as though I had a deadline to meet.
If you would like a copy, and cannot get one, I could find a way for you to get one. Just Private Message me and we will get it done!!
So glad you are here now!! You have a lot of experience strength and hope that is needed by myself and everyone else here!!
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Yeah, Tuggboat, I think CCBob said it well in his quote re feeling our way through recovery rather than thinking about it. I love thinking lol Maybe tis abit indulgent though & my Sponsor niggles me to get to the juicy feeling part where I speak from my heart rather than my head (where I think it 'feels' much safer ;) I don't think I'm the person I 'thought' I was & I'm really looking forward to reaching my heart in the matter. I think it's my head that's messed this whole thing up & not knowing who I am or being reconciled & forgiven for where I've come from. I'll get there. I know it! That's my faith. I'm on the precipice & I'll awaken from my blockages soon. I know it! I feel like I'm a handhold away from knowing me through one veil in front of my face, just out of reach of my awareness cuz I'm nearly not quite ready for those reveals yet but I'm working on it. I'm still to sit with my Sponsor & finish Step5 on my SC. It's been long but I've had so much change & terms to come to. I don't mind it's taken this long. It's kept me busy, focused & sober 1Day@aTime. I've started the Basic for Person Centred Counselling which is one of my dreams in sobriety come true & Carl Roger's principles are really sitting well for me with its emphasis on congruence, empathy & listening. My goal, for the moment, is to get into myself, accept me & learn who I am using this program. This program & fellowship is teaching me how to love me from the inside out with my HP. Sometimes I can even feel worthy enough to share & pass some on too. Get me right & I can give it away. Some say to give it away first & that's how you get it, you know, chicken & egg style. Maybe it is both. For me, I'm happy to take turns. It's progress not perfection & I'll be relieved when I've simply stopped cowering. Then, maybe then, I'll have nothing to prove. Looking forward to that peace. Hope I can share as I go in all my 'naivity' until then. Thanks for being here & listening, all you miracles in progress. Thanks for all your love & support. Thanks for that tip too, Joni. I'll look it up x Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
It was somewhere in my fourth step that I fully realized the first step. Somewhere I couldn't come up with any more excuses or feelings or anything except this,"Whoa, I'm really alcoholic. Theres a lot of peace in acceptance of that.
You girls all seem too nice to be drunks. Its just hard to imagine you gals swillin stuff like crazy and getting some of the places I've ended up. It wasn't in the real rugged drunk stories I found myself though. It was in the unmanageability that over and over my isms were working to confound my efforts at everything. Even today it was in the unmanagability in its many forms that I accept some limitations or at least areas of very slow progress :) I like that better. lol lol
Yes thats my say ing for the day.
I don't have any limitations, just areas of very slow progress :)
Wow, what a great thread! Everything you all have said has touched my heart today!!!! And it is Progress not perfection! We each need to find our own way, with the help of AA to find peace and serenity (and sobriety!) in our lives!
My dad makes me laugh because he's been to a few meetings with my brother! He said, "shoot, I dont even drink but YOU people have got it made, everyone should join AA!!"
Guess were all really lucky!!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
