Hi everyone. Just popping in to say Im still sober. I have to be honest though, I havent been to a meeting since before Christmas. Didnt help that I was in a bad car wreck 2 week's before Christmas and destroyed my truck, (not my fault..gave me a good reason to fly to Houston and buy that 4Runner sport Ive been eyeing . Still in MUCH pain..but not taking any Narcs..just over the counter ). Ive been going through alot of mental crap, I just dont feel like I belong...anywhere. I come home from work and my world is my dog and my pc. All the so called friends that I thought I had..you know , the one's that say "we will love you till you love yourself"...Bullsh-t. Havent heard from not one. I use to call folks all the time. Not to complain , or cry or beg ect. , just to simply let them know I was thinking about them and just wanted to call and say hi. In all these years , guess how many have called me? Nada-0. If I mean that much to them, then they can just bite me. Ive heard sponsers say , " I dont call my pigions , if they want what I have , they will call me". Well, first, I aint no da-n pigion, Im a sick human being in need of a REAL friend. Yea, I know where the term "pigion " came from. After 15 years I have retained some knowlage. and, any sponser that makes comments like that is so full of sh-t , it's coming out of there mouth.Ive also heard them say things like,"Im not here to be your friend..Im here to help save your a-s". Yea..sure , boy I want what YOU have ! (B.S.) Im sure that after their first meeting, Bill told Dr.Bob , " now look here fella , I aint gonna call you. It's YOUR job to call ME if you want what I have and will go to any lenth to get it ! And I aint here to be your friend..Im here to save your A-s . GOT IT BUD ? If that would have happened, Im willing to bet the house they would have been drunk off their butt from the get go. My first sponser, God rest his soul , use to call me and Say "Hey Ron..How ya doing"? I would say..you know full well Im still drinking. He would say, I know that, I just called to check on my buddy. Once, he even invited me over for dinner while I was still drinking. He said, Ron , all I ask is that you dont come here stinking drunk. ..If you need to leave the house to go drink something, just be sure to come right back. Not ONCE did he bang on me. He showed me what TRUE friendship was...and what a Sponser SHOULD be...he cared about me drinking or not. And Yes..he Called me..alot. When I finilly got sober, it was because ogf God and a Man named Floyed..Years later, he blew his brains out in his car in the parking lot of a bowling ally. To this day, I wish I could tell him how much I love him and what a he taught me about being a true friend. So, to all those who cant take 3 min. out of there week to just call just to say hi...bite me. I know all of AA isnt like that, but from where Im at right now, thats the way it is. So my dear friends, Im sober..for now. The only thing that is keeping me from picking up a drink..or somethig else is my Mom,Sister and my dog. I swear by the blood in my body...if something happens to them...Im out of here.Thanks for letting me unload. P.S. Sponsers..go call your sponsee's just to say hi. Get rid of that Mr. or Ms. AA Bookthumping Hardliner B.S. if it applys to you. After all, who know's , one day THEY may be YOUR sponser if you happen to go back out (and yes..it can happen. it did me after 14 years sober )For those who do reach out and make contact with others..God bless you. Your a rare breed
Hey there! First off, I hope your doing better after your accident! Its no fun being in pain! Try hitting a couple meetings...Sounds like you could use some fellowship. Might I suggest hitting some different meetings, meeting new people. Its funny you posted this today because I was feeling all sorry for myself after tonights meeting. Dont know why exactly....Saw lots of people, huge meeting, got lots of hugs and it was a great meeting. But something is chewing away at me today!
Went to my grandpa's showing, it was fine and Im not all that sad cuz it was def time and he's in a better place....Funeral's tomorrow. We are on step 4 and thinking about it, theres a problem with ME and no one else. I can point the finger at my husband all I want today. We were at it all day. Im right and hes right.....Blahblah on that...
But truly, my discontent lies within me and I feel I need to get on a good spiritual plane and fast!
So, youre in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things get better! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome back, Ron. I'm sorry to hear your fellowship folks haven't had the forethought to actually pick up the phone & see how you are. I'm sure you've been thought of often though! Sometimes we can all get a bit wrapped up in our own worlds & not realise how much someone else would like to hear from us. Have you called to see how anyone is? I'm not meaning to sound facetious in that! I'm thinking there's not alot we can do about others & only one thing we can change for ourselves.. I can really feel your anger right now & I hope you feel better soon. Nevertheless, it was really enjoyable to hear you venting all that stuff in honesty & could really relate though I know it's not helpful to me when I'm thinking like that too. The main & best thing is that you're alive, still sober & still here. Thanks for coming back & letting us know how YOU are. I'm glad you're alright. Please keep coming back & sharing all that stuff with us until you've calmed & found some forgiveness for the shortcomings we all seem to be guilty of. I will heed your words too & call my Sponsor soon. She's the type that doesn't call me either & deep down I respect her for that. It gives me more ownership for my own recovery & what she freely gives, when I ask. Thanks for being here ;) Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Glad you took the time to say what was on your mind.
For me I don't think there's a difference between venting and sharing as both get things out. I still think my higher power puts words in my mouth so I can hear them, they sure don't do me any good over-amping in my poor brain. Spent the greater part of my life hacking away and over pruning them brain cells. No one's more surprised than me when I shake my head and I hear something rattling around in there.
You know what one of my favorite tools the program has given me is? It's a great one, it will always tell me where I'm at. I have the fantastic ability to find out exactly where I am, mentally, physically and emotionally. For someone who spent most their life completely out of their mind, I have learned to trust that I can come to these rooms and practically any other room anywhere and ask for help.
I have been so wrong, so many times that I'm confident I can qualify as an official source for misinformation. So I ask for help. Sometimes it's good and I can use it, sometimes I can't, either because it's not applicable or just not for me today.
Being in recovery my ability changes every day as I find my way. Some days it's me asking, some days it's me answering.
After riding the emotional roller coaster for a few years I now understand that it only works when I ask unconditionally and of course, give it back the same way ... as it was given to me when I first got here.
I'm sorry about your accident and I do hope that you'll soon be completely recovered.
Perhaps no-one from the fellowship has called you because they might be thinking that you have gone back out drinking? As Lani suggested you could try going to a few new meetings and meeting new people.
Please keep posting and letting us know how everything is going for you, won't you?
Take good care of yourself.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Its funny you posted this today because I was feeling all sorry for myself after tonights meeting. Dont know why exactly....Saw lots of people, huge meeting, got lots of hugs and it was a great meeting. But something is chewing away at me today!
thanks for saying what I couldn't say lani. I felt that way a lot, it was a reproduction of my life outside AA. You know, life is a fishbowl and I'm on the outside with my nose pressed up against the glass and nobody cares. My expectations were that people would warm up to me without any effort on my part. Well AA is a microcasm of life, we only get out of it what we put into it. Want to be known by all and liked by many? Make coffee for the meeting.
Resentments are like drinking poison and then waiting for the enemy to die!
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
"Resentments are like drinking poison and then waiting for the enemy to die!"
Thank you so much for your compasion. Rest at ease , I wont bother posting on here anymore, so maybe you need to find someone else to shine your Holy remarks on. Im sure youll find a victim. Your most likely one of the A holes I was refering to. You are a wonderful example of why I quit going to meetings. Always have a remark for something you have no fu-king clue about. Maybe when the time comes...and it will ,someone will be there for you when your at the breaking point, and Maybe, at leaste I hope they have something more to say to help get you back in focus other than that sweet smart a-s remark like you posted. Im at a point to saying FU-K it all and put a end to all the B.S. To all of you that have stuck by me in the past, Thank you, May God bless you and give you a long healthy sober life. Im out of here.
Hate to think it's the last time you post here. I like what you have to say. As I write this to you, a friend sent me an email and it makes way more sense than I ever could so I'll share it with you.
'Friends are God's way of taking care of us.'
This was written by a Metro Denver Hospice Physician:
I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., and the car started to choke and splutter and die - I barely managed to coast, cursing, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic and would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the quickie mart building, and it looked like she slipped on some ice and fell into a gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay. When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, and I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel. At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), and the gas pump reading $4.95. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed help, and she just kept saying 'I don't want my kids to see me crying,' so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California and that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, 'And you were praying?' That made her back away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person and said, 'He heard you, and He sent me.' I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, and while it was fueling, walked to the next door McDonald's and bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, and a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, and we stood by the pump eating fries and talking a little. She told me her name, and that she lived in Kansas City Her boyfriend left 2 months ago and she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan. 1, and finally in desperation had finally called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California and said she could come live with them and try to get on her feet there. So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there. I gave her my gloves, a little hug and said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, 'So, are you like an angel or something?' This definitely made me cry. I said, 'Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people.' It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away and got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong. Sometimes the angels fly close enough to you that you can hear the flutter of their wings...
Ron I don't know you at all but I feel that you're the kind of guy that would help the woman in the story. It's a tough gig doing the right thing and it sounds like you've been doing a lot of the right things for a while. It also sounds like you've been surviving a lot of things that would take other guys back out. You're doing really good. A guy early in my sobriety once told me if I wasn't getting what I needed from my sponsor I could fire him, I'm gusessing you can fire a group too and get a new one
Thanks for being here today. Keep coming back, we need you
So, Looks like prior to your posting yesterday you havent been around in a few months! Checked your old posts and you seemed to have shared some great things. Sorry you were gone so long...... Snagged one of your old posts and copied it below! Little reminder for you why you just might consider staying around! Freedom of choice my friend: And, it sure looked to me that you had lots of people happy to see you back!!!!
"Boy do I know how you feel ! I picked up 2 Mos. before my 14 year . Today Im 7 days from having 6 Mos.clean . I know how you feel about seeing others who came in about the same time as you did.Ive left meeting feeling so down on myself. Dont get me wrong , Im happy for them , but it does hurt . The truth is though , in my case , I know it's my pride and ego that hurt . Sometimes it burns me up to hear someone (brag )A.K.A. share about how many years they have . If ONLY they knew how fast that can chage ! You and I have been Blessed . I often remember many who went back out and died , went to prison etc. We made it back !! God must have big plans for us. I have to try to remember that NOBODY is promised to be sober tomorrow .All I know is that the only thing thats going to help is to Pick up where I fell off . Only God and time will heal us . If I keep beating up on myself , I WILL pick up a drink again. Just try to remember this , those feelings you have are just that....feelings , and they WILL pass . Whats done is done. If we live in the past , we wont live for today."
Prayers to ya! Lani
-- Edited by lani at 21:58, 2008-02-25
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Maybe your right, and Im wrong. Wouldnt be a first for me. I guess what I should have posted was as simple as " Go read the 12th step". It doesnt mean, go call someone and hang out with them when times are good. Not to be bragging, but I lost count on how many 12 step calls Ive made, how many times Ive been puked on while trying to get a sick friend into detox. As for them not calling because the thought maybe I went back out, If a drunk needs a true friend, it's when he's down. Im not talking about begging the to come back, Im talking about letting them know (like Flyode did me ) that he cared rather I was drunk or not...and he was Hell bent on making sure I knew he loved and cared for me..even when I was drinking. That was The biggest thing that had a impact on me and brought me into the rooms...that someone Really , I mean Really took the time to care...and call. Just 3 weeks ago , I heard that one of my old friends was back out there. Did I say to myself "let the bum go, when he's ready he will be back? Hell no , I knew for fact he was at a crack house when I called his cell. All I said was , "Kev , I know your out there using, but even so, I want you to know I love ya no matter what. If..and I do mean IF you decide you want to come back, Im here for you and I WILL not beg you Or Bang you up for doing it." The 12 step says we should carry the message to other sick people ..just like ourselfs. I didnt say carry them. Sure there are times when we need to say things to help people...but there is a right and wrong way...and time to do it, and the post she wrote was WAT off base. Again, not to be bragging, but like a early poster said about helping the Lady with the kid's...done that, quite a few times , thing is, I never let them know that it was me that did it. I try not to let my sick ego get inflated. As for Sponsers not calling there sponsee's , I havent , and will NOT change my mind on how I feel abot that.A sick person need's 2 things , help from God and a friend who cares. I would be happy to hear from someone where it says "Sponser..thou shalt Not call thy sponsee. Maybe that sponsee is at a point of blowing their brains out, or taking that first of many drinks. That simple call might be a call that changes ..or saves their life. Like I said...3 min. of your time a week ...is that asking so much. Want to talk about ego...A sponser who has that thinking" If they want what I have , they will call me" , THAT my friend is ego. Thats like some old timer bragging about how may years they have sober.EGO
I'm glad you came back, Ron. Call me obtuse.. & I mean this gently.. Is there anything else that's bothering you? You sound like a really great guy & you've done so much for others. Is there something inside you're not quite happy with? I ask because I'm wondering if you were at ease would you'd let these other people's faults go & have some peace for yourself because you do know you're worth it, don't you? Besides how that comment may have come across there's so much here in fellowship & recovery love for you. Yours in faith & compassion, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Hey there: Glad to see ya! Upon reading your post I thought: So many people are blessed to know you. You seem like you really care about people!
I could be WAY off base but in reading the 12th step I found it interesting that it says WE alot! Never noticed it before! But, WE are rewarded by the things that WE do for others!
You have done alot of great things to help people, without them even knowing at times! I guess thats the work WE need to do to keep ourselves sober! Keep sharing and caring! It is appreciated! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Sorry to hear you're feeling down. We all go through that. I've never been a very popular person in AA or otherwise. I pretty much go to meetings and get what I need and leave. If I didn't show up for awhile, no one would miss me, not even my sponsor because we don't attend that same meetings. Most of the friends that I made in the first 5 years of sobriety are either up north or moved away. Some left, some to busy being a family men (myself included). So I hear that you've probably given a lot more (in the program) than you've received, or lately so it seams. Such is life. Can you tell I'm being careful here. One thing that came to mind while I read your comments about who should call who and when etc... I believe what I heard early on that "I can't keep you sober and I can't make you drink" and "this program is for people who want it, not for people who need it". With that said, if someone wants to get sober, then you can't keep them out of the rooms even if you barred the door. They are going to come, get what they need and come back. The gifts of desperation and willingness guarrantee that they will get sober if they want it and are willing to do whatever it takes. You know that, and I know that. So what difference does it make who calls me or you, or who we call? We need to get to meetings (especially when we're feeling down), work the program, and Be involved int he fellowship. If we're doing that, we're getting sober, if we're not, we're backsliding and are in relapse. The relapse begins way before the drink touches our lips. Get back in the game, we don't need any more funerals brother.
Dean I can't believe your not as popular as Clancy. Now there is a guy that knows how to be popular. He's got his own advertising agency, meeting, video series and all his sponsees come to his parties so they can clean up dog dirt.
What does that man have that I don't have? I'm about as popular as anybody else I gueess. Made a big hit with the girls last night. Bunch around the aniversery cake. Thanked the anniverserie girl for staying sober long enough so I could have cake.
Later in the meeting so they wouldn't get to enoamoured of me, I specifically stated that the failure to not put the toilet seat down IS NOT a character defect.
I didn't tell them but not lifting it up is the REAL defect. I'll let them judge themselves. Not me , I'm not judgemental. I just don't want all the girls falling all over me you know.
Made a few people happy last night to. Carried some books to clean up and the whole gang smiled and thanked me. Grabbed a meeting lisst and helped a guy that just moved in feel welcomed. Much slapping of backs and such. AA doesn't move away from me, but I can move away from AA. I always find greeting at the door fun but having some coffee with some homegroup members after the meeting is my idea of life well lived.
Who's Clancy!? And we didnt know you were such a ladies man!!!! You go Tuggy!!!!
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Clancy is an AA ICON, a cult leader of sorts. Probably the most well known AA speaker at conferences. I'm not fond of him. I had breakfast with him one morning after chasing his cult members through the windows and holes in a conference. They crawled in like rats at a garbage fest. I got quite a 'tude by the end of the night and skipped his talk even though I partially fronted his GRAND APPEARANCE.
Next morning he sits down for breakfast and tells me as if he is God or something to forsake all else and follow him. Ruined a gourmet breakfast. Where's the puke emoticon. :)
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Russell
