At some point on Friday afternoon, I felt a dark cloud of discouragement come over me, I felt really down and vulnerable.I didnt even feel like leaving my house, but I went to my meeting Friday night anyway, I didnt say much, but I listened.
I knew what had me down, my biggest challenge and greatest feeling of fear comes from my old feeling of abandonment. I can get consumed by the feeling that I will always be alone and I get scared, REAL scared, and during these spells, it can be really hard for me to find my way back to consciousness.I know its my dis-ease, because these are the times when I feel the most tempted to use drugs.
So for 24 hours, my mind kept playing tricks, telling me, that being sober was boring, that I should go find my old friends, that I should go find someone to lay with, escape, escape, escape!What stopped me was remembering that I have gone down that road SO many times and always ended up in hell.Ok, maybe there was a period of what seemed like relief, 2 days, 2 months, 2 years, whatever it was, inevitably, EVERYTIME, I used, I ended up destroyed.I have been down that road enough to recognize that it is NO longer an option.
So those thoughts stopped me from using, but this is the thought that snapped me out of my bad feeling.Accept the present moment as if you had chosen it. Eckhart Tolle.Something inside me shifted and I thought, ok, I feel horrible, but how can I embrace this?Can I find the courage inside to face my biggest fear, can I know, that as bad as this feels, it really will pass.I dont have the option of falling back on old habits to remove this bad feeling.Yes, I am brave enough to embrace it.And by embracing it, I can work on healing it, accepting it.I can work through this without using, because I accept the present moment.And, pop, suddenly I was conscious again, and comfortable in the present.Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Thank you, Higher Power, for always being there, even when I lose my way.Thank you to God, thank you for those who believe in a power greater than themselves, and share their experience strength and hope, so that we all can encourage each other.
This morning I am glad to be alive, I want to live, I feel happy, joyous and free.And I believe this is my reward for keeping the faith during those dark hours.Wishing everyone a great day!Celebrate Life!
Wow, is it ever a bitch to get in one of those bummer states of mind and trying to switch out of it. I always gravitate to the "fantasy" of what I'd like to do,like using safely, with no consequences etc. As per usual, these fantasies never work out, time after time. I'm always disappointed! I guess nothing changes, if nothing changes. I am now trying to get into being more "center present" when I feel out of sorts. What am I feeling right now? Not including the past and future into the equation. Gives me a chance to greet the emotion and accept that it is present, allows me to figure out what triggered the emotion, which should assist me in figuring out how to deal with it and get myself out of the rut. Damn, this disease make us work hard!!!!
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
Freedom, I found this post really touching, and I could relate to it. What seems to happen in these times is that our Higher power puts the second though in our minds now, the "I can't do it" thought, where we used to be incapable of veering onto the right course once the thought of drinking came into our minds. We were on a runaway train, but our Higher Power now helps us put the brakes on.
Amazing. I am so grateful for this program!! Hope you continue to feel better!
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I love this board! thanks for the support and encouragement from eastcoastscott and joni.
having a great day, just got back from some boogie boarding and i am just so alive and grateful, that i did not give in to the temption and darkness that had me so sucked down yesterday and the day before, this too DOES pass.....recovery is the best!
OMG!!!...It is 10 below zero here...I am not grateful for that at all,LOL. That's OK though, I can still recover in sub zero temperatures, we Cannucks have no choice!
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Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
eastcoastscott, wow, i know what cold weather is, i have lived in boston and maine, so i'm sending you some sunshine.
every morning i pray to my Higher Power, in my prayer i thank God for the beauty of the landscape that i was born into and where i choose to live, i did not always appreciate living here. living on a small island has it's advantages and disadvantages. but i've travelled enough to know that the advantages out weigh the disadvantages, for me.
Hi Deb Glad your feeling better! I hate when those old drinking thought come to mind. Its so consuming sometimes! But, you used the tools and shared where you were and that for me, is the key!!!!!! Where do you live anyways? Im in cold Ohio! No boogie boarding herebut do enjoy the slopes in Michigan! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
thanks for the support, the tools keep me sober it's amazing to see how each time i practice what i have learned i feel stronger, victorious, if i didn't have the tools of this program, i'd be right back out there, messed up again
i live on Abaco Island in the Bahamas. my family came here in 1785, on a whaling ship from charleston, sc, they were Loyalists, i am very proud of my heritage, it's quite a story.
never been to Michigan, but did get to Chicago once, never got going with snow ski-ing, but can water ski.
Love the Bahamas!!! Is that you in the ocean? Enjoy your day! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
yep, thats me in the ocean with my boogie board, at a place called Schooner Bay, i try to get there as often as possible, it really helps me, mentally and physically. this is one of the advantages to living here
one of the disadvantages is the small population and lack of people in recovery, i am surrounded by alot of active addicts, you know, the Bahamas sells the image of rum punches with the little umbrella in the drink, a person sitting on a pretty beach without a care in the world and the marketers make it look like this is most attractive activity in the world, well, for this alcoholic, the image is a joke, it looks ike a fool, holding poison in a cup, while smiling and thinking it's fun.
I think Ive been there! Schooner Bay. Very cool! I rememeber going to the bahamas and meeting a guy who was a tennis instructor at one of the reorts. Dumb us, my husband and I took him up on a private snorkeling trip. Went to waters unyet charted!!!!! It was glorious and we got to spear lobster then cook them on the beach! (meant to cook them on the beach but got to drunk and passed out!!!) I love the ocean and the water is to die for! After the fact we realized we could have been murdered and no one would have known! Thank God for protecting the children and the drunks!!!! I love the picture!!!!! Boogie away! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
wow, you are right, it's so remote down here, no one would have known. on the rare occasion that there is a murder here in Abaco, one things for sure, maybe 1 out of 10 cases every get solved.
i'm so glad it didn't end that way for you and your husband.
congrats on your 4 months being sober, isn't great to not feel sick anymore? i have so much hope and faith instead of depression and pain.
